The Science of Discworld IV Judgement Da

TWENTY-THREE



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OVER-ZEALOUS ZEALOT





Afterwards, Marjorie reflected on that aspect of the afternoon.

Roundworld was the planet Earth, in theory anyway, and surely flinging it around and sloshing it about would cause the seas to also slosh about a bit, to say the least. Nevertheless, she automatically fielded the globe, which against all reason slotted into her palm with a decisive but moderate stinging sensation, which had gone in a second.

The hooded man glared at her and drew out a curved knife. She could see the play of light on the blade and wondered how good her unarmed combat skills would prove to be against an opponent who clearly knew how to use a knife, especially since she was almost totally out of breath. The man screamed, ‘Om is good!’ and swung the blade at her.

Marjorie jumped backwards and a very large wolf landed in between, just as a hailstorm of bats dropped out of the sky. For a moment Marjorie stared fixedly at this tableau, and then, well, it all got quite exciting. Suddenly the wolf had the knife and the man was on the ground, and the bats had disappeared in a flurry to be replaced by a naked young woman, who looked both ways along the alleyway and said, ‘Excellent work for a civilian! You ought to get a medal!’

Still clutching Roundworld like a hot water-bottle, Marjorie managed to say, ‘But look! There’s still a wolf!’

The wolf stood up on its hind legs, and the girl said, ‘Better turn your head. Captain Angua does not like to be seen when she is – how can I put this? – well, deshabillée. Give her some space, please.’

Against all reason, Marjorie turned her back on the wolf, listened for a few seconds to what sounded like an autopsy in reverse, complete with unpleasant gurgling noises, and then a new voice said, ‘I’m impressed. Some people throw up just by listening. Allow me another minute to get into this dress, and we’ll be right with you.’

Indeed, only a couple of seconds later she realised that she really was in the company of a couple of young women – both now dressed – who showed her what looked very much like police badges. She recognised them as policemen anyway – she sometimes had to get them to call in at the library if one of the usual suspects was acting up, and policemen always looked rather out of place in the presence of literature. These two, however, seemed a whole lot smarter than the general run of the constabulary.

They cheerfully told her that they were indeed a vampire and a werewolf, the vampire introducing herself as Captain Sally and the wolf-lady as Captain Angua, before adding with a grin, ‘But don’t you worry, miss, we don’t eat on duty.’

In Marjorie’s bemused state it all seemed perfectly normal as the three of them then waited until a wagon turned up and disembogued them of their over-zealous zealot.

‘I believe Lord Vetinari would like a word, miss,’ the policewoman who had been a wolf then said.

‘What? I distinctly heard the hooded people say they were going to kill him!’

Angua shook her head, and said, ‘People try occasionally; sometimes he lets them live – even with all their bits if they are entertaining enough: he has what they call a mercurial sense of fun. On this occasion I can report that the group of zealous Omnians who attacked him were defenestrated.’ Angua smiled and added, ‘You have to hand it to his Lordship. He has style and is remarkably stronger than you might think. Lord Vetinari jumped out of the window and refenestrated them back into the hall!’

It was two days later when Marjorie Daw once again dined in the hall of Unseen University. In the centre of the feast, Roundworld glittered and shimmered miraculously, as became a world that could be in two places and be two different sizes all at the same time.

There were, of course, toasts and more food than was good for anybody. Lord Vetinari, who was also there, said, ‘I believe, madam, that you could stay if you wish, but I understand that you have declared to the Archchancellor that you want to go back to … let me see … oh yes, the library of the borough of Four Farthings, England, wherever that may be. Are you sure?’

Marjorie smiled and said, ‘Oh yes, very sure; there is no telling what the council will do if I’m not there. Probably halve the budget and fill the place with anodyne Good Citizenship displays and other idiocies. Politicians only read books they have written, or those of colleagues they suspect might have mentioned them in their text. Or they simply want to pretend that they have read the latest touted bestseller to show that they are just like “the common people”, neglecting the fact that people aren’t all common and can spot a phoney at a glance.’ She paused, then added, ‘Sorry for the rant, sir, but I just had to get it out of my system. I’ve got to get back before they replace me with a yahoo who doesn’t even know where the damn word came from.’

She let Lord Vetinari refill her glass, and felt a lot better.

The following lunchtime, on the lawn in Unseen University, the Great Big Thing hung in the air, scintillating, twisting, coruscating, evaporating and gently spinning. It was, in a very strange way, alive, and yet not alive: like people are alive, and ships are alive, or even mountains – in their own strange way – are alive, but alive all the way through. Surrounding it was the usual squash of fervent young white-robed wizards, muttering about ‘thaumic energies’ and ‘slood derivatives’ and the kind of terminology that made Rincewind’s head ache. Their fingers were almost twitching in their eagerness to get going on the next stage of the Great Big Glitch … oops, no, the Great Big Experiment.

Ponder Stibbons was also there, with other members of the Inadvisably Applied Magic group, and of course all the senior wizards, who would not miss something like this, even for lunch. Ponder, after all the hand-shaking, said, ‘Well, Marjorie, I’m sure we are all sorry that you have to go, but I only need to press the button in front of me to put you back just where you were before you so abruptly ended up on this turf. As the Archchancellor said, it is doubtful that we will do this particular experiment again. Sometimes even wizards know when not to meddle.’

In the silence that followed, a high-pitched excitable voice could be heard from amongst the crowd of young wizards: ‘You know, I think I know what we got wrong …’

Just then the Librarian of Unseen University knuckled his way across the turf at speed. He stopped when he reached Marjorie, blew her a kiss and handed her a banana.

She blew back the kisss with an extra s as Ponder said, ‘I have looked for a suitable sentence to speed you on your way, Marjorie, and came across a much-liked one: What goes around comes around. Welcome to Roundworld! It’s only a page away.’ Then he pressed the button. ‘So, you will be back home before I have finished this senten—’