The Science of Discworld IV Judgement Da

NINETEEN



* * *



DOES GOD WIGGLE HIS FINGERS?





Marjorie had been lost in her furious thoughts for an unmeasured length of time which, as it turned out, was about five minutes. These were broken into by Mustrum Ridcully, who had given her an appropriate nudge. She shook herself, stood up straight (which she generally did anyway) and said brightly, ‘This is going to be round two; yes?’

Ponder Stibbons hurried over, detected a certain look in her eye, and said, ‘Really, Miss Daw, please leave it all to the Archchancellors. After all, it is our business.’

Marjorie smiled: not the smile she had for a good book well read and catalogued and subsequently handed to the appropriate reader – a process she thought of as carrying the flame.fn1

The chamber was buzzing as people poured in, chattering. Lord Vetinari, apparently refreshed, was ascending the stairs to the podium. The gavel dropped like thunder and, almost immediately, so did the noise.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, I ask the wizards of Unseen University to defend their ownership of the Round World, although it appears to me that stewardship might be a better and more appropriate term. It also occurs to me that I haven’t even seen this curious thing. It is apparently reasonably small, so I will have it on my podium right now, so we can all visualise what is at the centre of today’s little escapade. It will be brought to me at once.’

Ponder Stibbons was dispatched in haste to the university and returned, breathless, carrying the padded baize bag. Against a background of laughter, giggles and outright tittering, he gently put the contents of the bag on a tripod in front of the Patrician, who himself seemed somewhat amused by what had been placed before him.

There was a twinkle in his eye as he said, ‘Excuse me if I seek for clarity, gentlemen, but could this indeed be a living world with a population of millions? Over to you, Archchancellor. I must say I am all agog!’

‘In fact, your Lordship, I will delegate this job firstly to Ponder Stibbons, head of the Inadvisably Applied Magical facility. What he does not know about quantum – yes, I am afraid we must use the term, my Lord – just isn’t worth knowing. Mister Stibbons—?’

Ponder cleared his throat. ‘My Lord, Roundworld came into being several years ago when we were experimenting with raw firmament. The Dean experimentally put his hand in the container and wiggled it about …’

Ponder’s voice faded as he saw Lord Vetinari’s expression. The Patrician was writing notes on his papers on the desk in front of him, and now he looked up, blinked, and said out loud, ‘Wiggled it about? May I ask whether he intends to wiggle anything today?’ A titter ran around the room as Lord Vetinari added, ‘Shouldn’t he be wearing gloves? I have no real ambition to be transmogrified!’

Ponder Stibbons, after he stopped laughing, rose to the occasion. ‘It is unlikely, sir: we’ve tried and it only works with raw firmament, and that is very difficult to get hold of these days. If I may continue …? The firmament in this case reconstituted itself as a universe, somewhat similar to our own, though happily using up only local firmament supplies. It is our belief, based on experimentation, that Roundworld picked up some aspects of our own world, but alas with rather less firmament. Nevertheless, it turned out to be quite small but ingeniously formed in most respects and, I might say, punching above its weight.

‘We have explored other universes by various occult means, and frankly, my Lord,’ he added, ‘so many of them are rather drab – just a few stars banging together occasionally and with planets where there is little or no life at all. And such as it is, life there is snivelling and grovelling underground, or at the bottom of the sea, if the planet has even been lucky enough to have one of those!’

‘Mister Stibbons, in your opinion, when the Dean – who I believe we shall hear from shortly – “wiggled his fingers” in firmament, did he then become a god?’

‘Not at all, my Lord. He was nothing more than a random event, turning an instability into coherence – the same as a last snowflake just before an avalanche. Not the best way of putting it, but I think it will suffice for now. However, as a result, the whole business left certain effects in both Discworld and Roundworld; for example, Roundworld has traditions of wizards, unicorns, trolls and dwarfs; not to mention zombies, werewolves and vampires. Our research shows that although these things don’t appear in Roundworld, the concept of them is shared by both worlds.’

Ponder took a deep breath and continued, ‘The idea of gods has permeated cultures in both worlds. In our world gods are not only acknowledged but also, occasionally, seen. Although there are claims that they have been seen on Roundworld as well, the evidence is generally patchy, and sometimes simply wishful, thinking.’

‘Really,’ said Lord Vetinari. ‘I am surprised. Gods have their uses and a part to play, and I often thank Saponaria when getting into the bath; she generally arranges the very best of suds – wonderfully fine, smooth and plentiful. Of course, I never neglect a candle for Narrativia before I embark on a lengthy memoir. It would also appear that the small gods, the household gods, survive very well. I take leave to wonder what went wrong in Roundworld?’

Marjorie’s self-control finally snapped. ‘Such concepts of the gods as there were on Roundworld didn’t work!’ she cried. ‘Proud people and smart people started to put their ideas into the mouths of the gods, and shamefully it has not been unusual for two countries, ostensibly both running on the rules of the same one sacred God, to nevertheless engage one and another in combat such as never been seen on this world – the deliberate destruction of whole cities and even attempts to slaughter whole races. Today, many of those who saw the name of God invoked as part of this dreadful pantomime have stepped back and very much prefer reason to faith, because it is self-checking.’

Lord Vetinari sat for a moment taking this in. Then he stared at Marjorie like a cat assessing an amazing new type of mouse, and said, ‘I do not believe I know your name, madam, or your occupation; be so good as to enlighten me, will you?’

fn1 At this point it must be said that Marjorie also had a smile for a gentleman known as Jeffrey, who travelled the world inspecting, reviewing, cataloguing and pricing – and in extremis also restoring – the libraries of a very large number of people and organisations across the world. The two of them had an understanding, and understood quite a lot, especially about Bliss. In case anybody is now thinking of librarian pornography, this is an alternative way of cataloguing books: a system created by Henry E. Bliss (1870–1955), still in use in America and specialised libraries.