The Republic of Thieves #2

8

“ARE YOU tired of life itself?” yelled Galdo, attempting to strike the most dynamic pose possible while perched atop a weathered market stall barrel. “Are you dull to spectacle? Are you deaf to the timeless poetry of Caellius Lucarno, master wordsmith of the Therin Throne?”

A light warm rain was pattering down around him, rippling the mud of the market square, where dozens of Esparans were hawking food, junk, or services from under tarps in various states of repair. It seemed only natural to Galdo that after endless days of merciless sun the sky should close up and start pissing the instant he went out trying to look impressive.

“Because even if you are—,” said Calo, who stood on the ground beside his brother.

“F*ck off,” yelled the nearest merchant.

“EVEN IF YOU ARE,” shouted Calo, “you will not be able to resist the romance, the excitement, the grand dazzling festival of forthright astonishments that awaits you when the Moncraine-Boulidazi Company mounts its exclusive presentation of the legendary—”

“—the daring,” shouted Galdo.

“—the bloody and heart-wrenching REPUBLIC OF THIEVES, this coming Count’s Day and Penance Day—”

Galdo had to admit that the state of full sobriety, while in most considerations far less interesting than any degree of inebriation, did at least lend itself to the better employment of reflexes. The irate merchant hurled a turnip, which Calo plucked out of the air just before it struck his head. He tossed it up to Galdo, who leapt off the barrel, somersaulted in midair, caught the turnip, and landed with arms outflung in a flourish.

“Turnips can’t stop the Moncraine-Boulidazi Company!” he shouted.

“I’ve got potatoes too,” yelled the merchant.

“Count’s Day! Penance Day! Limited engagements,” hollered Calo. “At the Old Pearl! Don’t miss the most stupendously exciting sensation that has ever graced your lives! The dead will live and breathe and speak again! True love, flashing blades, treachery of the heart, and the secrets of an imperial dynasty, all yours, but if you miss it now you miss it forever!”

Another turnip was hurled in their direction, and both twins dodged it easily.

“You missed us now and you’ll miss us forever,” shouted Galdo. He turned to his brother and lowered his voice, “All the same, we’ve got eight stops left. Maybe we’ve favored these dullards long enough.”

“Too right,” said Calo. The twins bowed to the general indifference of the market square and hurried off into the rain. “Where next?”

“Jalaan River Gate,” said Galdo. “That’ll be a welcoming and patient crowd for sure, fresh off the road with mud up their ass-cracks.”

“Yeah,” said Calo. “Gods, where would this gang be without us to do all the actual miserable footwork for it?”

“We got the aptitude, we get the chores. Bright side, though, would you rather be doing the bookkeeping?”

“F*ck no. Wouldn’t mind doing the bookkeeper’s assistant.”

“Hey now, prior claim.”

“Oh, I know. Good on tubby for sewing her up. I was starting to worry about him,” said Calo.

“That leaves red and the genius. Still cause for worry there.”

“How hard is it to fling yourselves at one another and let all the really excited bits just sort themselves out?”

“It’s not the doing, I think; it’s that our beloved patron barely lets Sabetha out of his sight. Hell’s own chaperone.”

“Think we should lend a hand?”

“Hey, I’ll cut the prick’s throat if you’ll dig the hole,” said Galdo. “But that would ruin all this dancing and singing we’re doing on the company’s behalf.”

“You must’ve kept your brains in your hair before you scraped it off, roundhead. I wasn’t talking about doing Boulidazi. More of dropping a useful hint in Sabetha’s ear.”