Finally, his grip on her hands loosened. He released her and stood up, avoiding her eyes. “I’ll try to stop loving you, Rose, but I’ll always be your friend…if you should ever need me.”
“It’s better if I go away.” Rose whispered the words then wished she had kept the information to herself.
“Go? Go where?”
“I know not.” She shook her head and decided not to tell him her plan to go with the Meistersingers. He might try to stop her. And it wasn’t a lie. If she went with them, she didn’t know where she would be going.
“Please don’t go, not because of me. Stay here with Frau Geruscha. Please.”
Tears stung Rose’s eyes again. She wanted to beg him to understand what a failure she was at her work with Frau Geruscha. She had to leave. And her leaving would spare him pain. He could learn to love his new wife without her around. But she saw the tears glistening in his eyes and stopped herself.
He leaned over her. “I vow I will never do anything again to…Only please don’t go.”
Rose clasped her hands and stared into his eyes, loving him, drinking in his love for her, for the last time.
“If you change your mind, you know where to find me. Farewell, Rose. God be with you.” He strode to the door and retrieved his cloak. He walked out without looking back.
The pain in her chest was so intense, she wondered if she was dying. She bent over, pressing her hands to her throat, which ached from holding back tears. She could still feel his lips on her fingers.
He loves me. A castoff foundling raised by a woodcutter. He was willing to give up everything for me, and what did I tell him? No.
She sank to her knees on the floor. “O God, what have I done? I’ve broken my heart and his too. I’m so unsure now.”
Maybe she should run after him. Surely their love would be enough. How did she know he would resent her? That was just her fear making her think that. Wilhelm was too good a person to resent her. He loved her. Hadn’t he proved it, being willing to give up his title and responsibilities to his brother?
She could catch up to him before he got far. She would throw her arms around him and wipe that half-angry, pained expression off his face with a kiss. She would tell him she’d changed her mind. That she loved him too much to give him up, that she’d always wanted his love, that she couldn’t live without it. His eyes would light up with joy and he’d sweep her into his arms.
“God, help me. Don’t make me give him up. I need him.” She began to sob, the stone floor digging into her knees. Her chest throbbed with pain.
She couldn’t give him up, not after everything he was willing to give up for her. She needed his love. And he needed her too. What if his betrothed was a cruel, heartless woman who wouldn’t love him and who’d treat him badly?
“O God, I want him. Please don’t take him away from me.”
Maybe God wanted her to go after him, find him, and tell him she’d made a mistake, but no. The thought gave her a terrible sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.
She had done the right thing. She had released him to do his duty, the thing that would bring him honor and peace of mind.
She rested her forehead against the cold stone floor. “O God, did I do the right thing?”
Yes.
Rose couldn’t exactly say she’d heard the word, but it was there, in her mind. Had she imagined it? Was it from God? She remembered someone in the Bible asking for a sign.
“God, if it’s you, and if I did the right thing, then give me a sign.” Tears streamed down her cheeks. She pulled herself up and walked to the window of the chamber. She squeezed her eyes closed. “Give me a sign, God, please.”
She held her breath and opened her eyes, searching through the open window.
A line of sunbeams in the shape of a perfect arc broke through a thin cover of clouds, pink and yellow rays stretching from heaven to earth.
Rose stared. She had never seen anything quite like it. The tears stilled on her cheeks. A peace beyond her comprehension overwhelmed her senses.
Her heart still ached, thinking of what she could have had. But God would take care of her. Somehow, God would make a way for her to keep on living, to serve him and not be completely miserable. God was with her.
O God, please give him the same assurance. Please take away his pain. I don’t want him to hurt.
“My precious Wilhelm.” The sobs came again. She heard Frau Geruscha coming down the stairs and forced herself to take a deep breath. She couldn’t let her mistress see her this way. The last thing she wanted to do was tell her what had just happened.
She looked out the window again. The perfect arc was still there, pointing to heaven.
Chapter 25