“Again, folks, can we do this?” Sabrina said.
“OK, here goes,” Goldilocks said. She tucked her blond curls back behind her ear and leaned in close. Sabrina held her breath in all the excitement and realized everyone else was doing the same. They had all waited so long for this moment. There had been many nights when Sabrina was convinced it would never happen. But, now, finally, her family would be reunited. Things might go back to normal.
And then someone farted. Everyone turned in the direction of the horrible noise. There, standing in the doorway, was Puck, a shaggy-haired boy who, like Red Riding Hood, had been adopted by Granny Relda. He was somewhere in the range of four thousand years old, though he looked like he might be twelve. He was wearing pajamas with robots fighting monkeys all over them and had on a sleeping cap so long that the end dragged a herd of dust bunnies behind him. He scratched his backside with a wooden sword and scowled.
“You people have woken me up. I was going to come out here and complain that it sounded like there was a pack of bears running through the house and look what I find! A pack of bears!” Puck turned to Granny Relda. “I suppose you have invited them to move in, as well. You’ve never met anyone you didn’t hand a set of keys to. I mean, after all, you’ve invited a murderous lunatic who only wears one color.”
“I’m sorry,” Red Riding Hood squeaked.
Then Puck turned to Daphne. “A chunky little monkey who eats us out of house and home.”
“Hey! I’m not chunky. I’m big-boned.”
“Yeah, like a brontosaurus!” Puck snorted and turned to Sabrina. “And then there’s this one. A girl so ugly burn victims stare and point at her. So let’s have some bears move in, too. Why not? Maybe we could invite a couple of giants while we’re at it, or maybe a bunch of those idiot Munchkins from across town. We’ve got plenty of room! Why not turn this place into a bed-and-breakfast for every second-rate Everafter with a hard-luck story?”
“Puck, that’s not very nice,” Granny said. “We’re sorry we woke you but Goldilocks is here. She’s going to kiss Henry and wake him up.”
“Who? What?” the boy said.
“Goldilocks, my father’s former girlfriend,” Sabrina said. “She’s going to kiss him and break the magic spell that’s kept him and my mother asleep for two years.”
“There’s a magic spell on them?” the boy said. “I thought they were just really lazy.”
Sabrina growled.
“We’re glad you’re here, Puck,” Granny Relda said.
“I’m sure you are,” the boy said, letting out another fart. This one was so loud it made Elvis jump in fear. “Is there any food at this shindig?” Granny shook her head. “You people throw the lamest parties.”
“Goldi, please, just kiss my dad,” Sabrina cried.
Goldilocks nodded, leaned in, and nervously touched her lips to Henry’s. The kiss was gentle and a little longer than Sabrina would have liked. It was clear to Sabrina that it had a big impact on Goldilocks. Her face was bright red and she looked as if she had just been caught doing something illegal. But her expression was nothing compared to the looks on the faces of Sabrina’s uncle and grandmother. Both of them looked defeated.
“What? What’s wrong?” Sabrina asked.
“It should have worked already,” the old woman said.
“Try again,” Uncle Jake urged.
Goldilocks bit her lip but did as she was told. She took a deep breath, as if it might be her last, and bent over to kiss Henry once more. When she was finished she hovered there, inches from his face, and whispered something Sabrina couldn’t hear.
“Perhaps Goldilocks has fallen out of love with Henry,” Mirror said. “It has been more than fifteen years since they were a couple.”
Goldilocks shook her head but said nothing.
“Then what’s wrong?” Sabrina cried, fighting a bubble of panic and despair rising up into her throat.
“Let’s try one more time,” Daphne said hopefully.
“It won’t help,” Uncle Jake said. “Briar said the result would be immediate.”
Granny nodded sadly. “I’ve read accounts of these spells being broken. The moment her lips touched your father’s he should have woken up. This must be some unique version of the spell. We’ll just have to go back to the drawing board and find another solution.”
Daphne flashed Sabrina a look that said “don’t freak out,” but it was too late.
“This has been a stupid wild-goose chase!” Sabrina exclaimed. “The Master and the Scarlet Hand are probably getting a big laugh out of this right now!”
“Don’t give up hope, Starfish,” Mirror said.
“Give up hope! I haven’t had any hope in two years.”
“Bummer!” Puck said. “Well, maybe whoever is pounding on the door downstairs can wake him up.”
“Puck, could you answer it for me?” Granny asked.
“What am I? The butler?”