The anger welling in my chest all day erupts.
“You're exactly the same! I once choked a man with a belt. With a belt, Silvia! His face, his eyes. Feeling his body grow limp while he strangled against me. It was the most horrific thing I had ever felt. I've snatched children—small children—from their own backyard. I don't even know if they ever get to go home! I'm afraid to check!”
I'm in her face, and she looks terrified. She should be. No one has made me promise not to harm her yet. Her only saving grace is that I know Karl would take enormous pleasure in making me regret offing his daughter.
“I've hunted and killed, all because that's what is asked of me. It doesn't matter what the request is. I'm denied the right to say no. I'm denied the right to have a life. I just sit in a damn house all day waiting for my next orders and hoping, fuckin' praying, that I can find a way to forget what I've done when I get home. That's what your family has been doing to mine. Generation after goddamned generation.”
I back toward the door, my gaze fixed on her. “You're just another Walker, Silvia. When you make that wish, that one you can't wait for, pretend whatever you want. Pretend you actually gave me a choice. Pretend it somehow matters we were raised together. But know that it would never, ever happen if I had anything to say about it.”
I slam the door, leaving her to cry. And I don't feel any guilt whatsoever.
***
I lie on my hotel bed, staring at the ceiling. I would like to go home, but as soon as Karl knows we're back, he will start summoning me again. There is no lesser evil in this choice.
I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to kill people or burn down buildings. I don't want to be in a stranglehold because every dollar I spend is tracked, so I can't even go with Syd to her grandmother's house. If I do, Karl will see the charges.
Despite what I would like to believe, I'm not free on this trip either. I need Silvia to lead the leash.
I have no idea how my father lived this way for decades. There is only one escape from the bleakness.
The figurative dagger of disobedience rams into my head. Pain splinters through my skull, and I squeeze my eyes shut.
My hand goes for the phone in my pocket. As I think of seeing Syd again, the pain in my head fades.
I dial her number.
When she answers, I say, “Talk to me, sexy.”
She does, whispering in my ear as my eyes grow heavy. She sounds happy that I called. And I can't think of a better reason to want to keep trying.
***
Silvia and I leave Oklahoma City around ten in the morning. Breakfast is McDonald's, the only drive-thru my sovereign guest deems worthy of consumption.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. I glance at Silvia, then decide to ignore the call.
She looks at me. “I think I hear your phone, Dimitri.”
I grind my teeth and pull out the phone. Missed call from Syd.
I text one-handed that I'm driving and can't talk, then place the phone on my lap.
Silvia eyes the phone before speaking. “Who was that?”
Only three people call me. One is occupying space in my car. Another is her father. The third is my dark little secret.
“Wrong number,” I say.
Silvia studies me before turning back to the window.
***
A little after nine that night, we reach Nashville. The scenery has changed to tall green plants and large blue bodies of water, the antithesis of the desert. I am too tired to appreciate it. Silvia is dragging her feet and acting a lot less spirited too.
We try to check into two rooms—Silvia doesn't even bat an eye at the suggestion this time—but the hotel is booked up. I can either share a room with the Exorcist, or drive to another hotel. I refuse to climb back into that car without a slumber to rival the dead first.
I wave my hand to proceed, expecting a reflection-of-Satan smile to glimmer on Silvia's face. Instead, her eyes droop and she fumbles to pocket her credit card.
We stumble to our rooms, drop the bags, and each fall face-first into a bed. Sometime in the night, I wake up to strip down to boxers and crawl under the covers.
In the morning, my muscles are stiff and sore. I need a hot shower and strong coffee. I also need for this trip to be over. Unfortunately, I have to do all this in reverse after we find Doctor Kerr.
I would love to just dump the car, and Silvia, and fly home. I doubt that would go over well with Karl, though.
The bathroom sink is running. I turn to my side, joints aching. Silvia is missing from bed. She must be washing up.
I doze back off. When my eyes open again, the bathroom sink is still running. I sit up and squint, ruffling my hair.
The sound isn't running water. It's splashing.
What the hell is she doing? Ridiculous woman.
I fall back against my pillows and fade toward sleep. Then my eyes pop open again. Something is wrong.
I pull to my feet and stumble toward the bathroom door.
I knock. “Silvia?”
She says, “Hang on, Dimitri.”