The snotty, fibrous drop of stuff has wrapped all the way around her hand and forearm and lashed them onto the bar of the gate. Excess goo has sagged and run down the bar a short ways, but is setting now, turning into rubber. A few loose strands have also whipped forward and gained footholds on her shoulder, chest, and lower face. She backs away and the adhesive separates from the fibers, stretching out into long, infinitely thin strands, like hot mozzarella. These set instantly, become solid, and then break, curling away like smoke. It is not quite so grotendous, now that the loogie is off her face, but her hand is still perfectly immobilized.
“You are hereby warned that any movement on your part not explicitly endorsed by verbal authorization on my part may pose a direct physical risk to you, as well as consequential psychological and possibly, depending on your personal belief system, spiritual risks ensuing from your personal reaction to said physical risk. Any movement on your part constitutes an implicit and irrevocable acceptance of such risk,” the first MetaCop says. There is a little speaker on his belt, simultaneously translating all of this into Spanish and Japanese.
“Or as we used to say,” the other MetaCop says, “freeze, sucker!”
The untranslatable word resonates from the little speaker, pronounced “esucker” and “saka” respectively.
“We are authorized Deputies of MetaCops Unlimited. Under Section 24.5.2 of the White Columns Code, we are authorized to carry out the actions of a police force on this territory.”
“Such as hassling innocent thrashers,” Y.T. says.
The MetaCop turns off the translator. “By speaking English you implicitly and irrevocably agree for all our future conversation to take place in the English language,” he says.
“You can’t even rez what Y.T. says,” Y.T. says.
“You have been identified as an Investigatory Focus of a Registered Criminal Event that is alleged to have taken place on another territory, namely, The Mews at Windsor Heights.”
“That’s another country, man. This is White Columns!”
“Under provisions of The Mews at Windsor Heights Code, we are authorized to enforce law, national security concerns, and societal harmony on said territory also. A treaty between The Mews at Windsor Heights and White Columns authorizes us to place you in temporary custody until your status as an Investigatory Focus has been resolved.”
“Your ass is busted,” the second MetaCop says.
“As your demeanor has been nonaggressive and you carry no visible weapons, we are not authorized to employ heroic measures to ensure your cooperation,” the first MetaCop says.
“You stay cool and we’ll stay cool,” the second MetaCop says.
“However, we are equipped with devices, including but not limited to projectile weapons, which, if used, may pose an extreme and immediate threat to your health and well-being.”
“Make one funny move and we’ll blow your head off,” the second MetaCop says.
“Just unglom my fuckin’ hand,” Y.T. says. She has heard all this a million times before.
White Columns, like most Burbclaves, has no jail, no police station. So unsightly. Property values. Think of the liability exposure. MetaCops has a franchise just down the road that serves as headquarters. As for a jail, some place to habeas the occasional stray corpus, any half-decent franchise strip has one.
They are cruising in the Mobile Unit. Y.T.’s hands are cuffed together in front of her. One hand is still half-encased in rubbery goo, smelling so intensely of vinyl fumes that both MetaCops have rolled down their windows. Six feet of loose fibers trail into her lap, across the floor of the Unit, out the door, and drag on the pavement. The MetaCops are taking it easy, cruising down the middle lane, not above issuing a speeding ticket here and there as long as they’re in their jurisdiction. Motorists around them drive slowly and sanely, appalled by the thought of having to pull over and listen to half an hour of disclaimers, advisements, and tangled justifications from the likes of these. The occasional CosaNostra delivery boy whips past them in the left lane, orange lights aflame, and they pretend not to notice.
“What’s it gonna be, the Hoosegow or The Clink?” the first MetaCop says. From the way he is talking, he must be talking to the other MetaCop.
“The Hoosegow, please,” Y.T. says.
“The Clink!” the other MetaCop says, turning around, sneering at her through the antiballistic glass, wallowing in power.
The whole interior of the car lights up as they drive past a Buy ’n’ Fly. Loiter in the parking lot of a Buy ’n’ Fly and you’d get a suntan. Then WorldBeat Security would come and arrest you. All that security-inducing light makes the Visa and MasterCard stickers on the driver’s-side window glow for a moment.
“Y.T. is card-carrying,” Y.T. says. “What does it cost to get off?”
“How come you keep calling yourself Whitey?” the second MetaCop says. Like many people of color, he has misconstrued her name.
“Not whitey. Y.T.,” the first MetaCop says.
“That’s what Y.T. is called,” Y.T. says.
“That’s what I said,” the second MetaCop says. “Whitey.”
“Y.T.,” the first one says, accenting the T so brutally that he throws a glittering burst of saliva against the windshield. “Let me guess—Yolanda Truman?”
“No.”
“Yvonne Thomas?”
“No.”
“Whatsit stand for?”
“Nothing.”
Actually, it stands for Yours Truly, but if they can’t figure that out, fuck ’em.
“You can’t afford it,” the first MetaCop says. “You’re going up against TMAWH here.”
“I don’t have to officially get off. I could just escape.”
“This is a class Unit. We don’t support escapes,” the first MetaCop says.
“Tell you what,” the second one says. “You pay us a trillion bucks and we’ll take you to a Hoosegow. Then you can bargain with them.”
“Half a trillion,” Y.T. says.
“Seven hundred and fifty billion,” the MetaCop says. “Final. Shit, you’re wearing cuffs, you can’t be bargaining with us.”
Y.T. unzips a pocket on the thigh of her coverall, pulls out the card with her clean hand, runs it through a slot on the back of the front seat, puts it back in her pocket.
The Hoosegow looks like a nice new one. Y.T. has seen hotels that were worse places to sleep. Its logo sign, a saguaro cactus with a black cowboy hat resting on top of it at a jaunty angle, is brand-new and clean.
THE HOOSEGOW
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