Slow Dance in Purgatory

15

“UNCHAINED MELODY”

Les Baxter - 1955





Jody was true to her word, and Maggie’s make-up was perfect. After the game, she hurried to the locker room and readied herself for the dance. She removed the dark lipstick all the dancers wore when performing, and applied a pale pink instead. The smoky eye makeup worked without making her look like she belonged in a nightclub, and Maggie loosened her hair from the mandatory tight bun and brushed it until it swung, straight and shiny, down her back. She removed her dance costume and jazz shoes and carefully pulled Irene’s blue dress over her head and shimmied the zipper closed. The shoes were high, but they had a sturdy strap, and Maggie thought she could walk in them without stumbling and without looking like she was playing dress-up. She might even be able to dance in them. In the corner. All by herself.

Maggie sighed and pushed the self-pity away. She was going to enjoy feeling pretty and wearing Irene’s beautiful dress. All other thoughts were banned for the rest of the night. The sparkly earrings were just the right finishing touch, and after Maggie brushed her teeth and spritzed herself with a hint of perfume, she stepped back to twirl in front of the long mirror. She almost didn’t recognize herself. Would Johnny be there tonight, somewhere in the shadows? She knew she was setting herself up for disappointment, but she desperately hoped so.

Maggie was in her place behind the ticket table as couple after couple filed into the school cafeteria. All the tables and chairs had been cleared or moved to the perimeter, and the large space was adorned in silver balloons and paper mache roses in deep red and black. White snowflakes twinkled at varying lengths from the ceiling, giving the space a ‘Winter Wonderland’ vibe. Maggie had to admit, Dara and the other members of the dance team had done a great job with the decorations. Still, she couldn’t help but wonder how long it would take Gus, Shad, and her to clean it all up Monday morning.

Dara hadn’t been able to hide her surprise when she’d seen Maggie, standing to the left of the table, taking tickets and chatting with a few of the dance team members and their dates as they arrived. Maggie tried not to smile, but Dara‘s expression was priceless. Didn’t someone once say “looking good is the best revenge?” They were absolutely right.

But though revenge is sweet, it turns bitter with time. More than an hour later, long after every one had arrived, Maggie still stood alone behind the ticket counter, watching the couples swing around the floor, laughing and holding each other tightly. Maggie desperately wished she could dance, but that clearly wasn’t going to happen. Everyone already had a partner. The pleasure she had felt in her appearance had faded, and her fancy dress and high heeled shoes now seemed a silly mockery. The depression she had felt earlier descended on her once more, and Maggie abandoned her now irrelevant post. The money and tickets were locked away, and there was no one to stop her from leaving. Maggie walked down the long corridor back toward the girls’ locker room to gather her things.

“You should be dancing.” Johnny’s voice spoke out from a shadowy somewhere, and Maggie cursed her tell-tale heart for singing in her chest.

He was suddenly beside her, his long stride slowing to match her own. Maggie struggled with dueling urges to slap him and fling her arms around him. She settled instead on silence. Her heels clattered on the hard linoleum floor; his boots made no sound whatsoever. She wondered if she should pretend she couldn’t see him. If she should just walk along like he wasn’t there, but she knew she could never pull it off. Her hair literally stood on end with awareness. Still, she was angry that he played that very game, staying away for days on end, and she was helpless to fight back.

“Maggie?” His voice coaxed her, nibbling at her anger, and with a sigh, Maggie let it slip away – for now. She was just too glad to see him.

“I’m not dancing because I would look very silly dancing by myself.” Maggie turned to look at him, and Johnny stared down into her up-turned face.

“You’re beautiful,” he confessed, and Maggie felt the sincerity of his words travel down her flushed cheeks, flood her neck and breasts, and pool like hot cider in her belly. Maggie reminded herself to breathe.

“Would you like to dance?” Johnny extended a hand, and Maggie stepped back reluctantly.

“Here?” she protested softly, her eyes traveling down the hallway toward the music spilling from the cafeteria that wasn’t nearly far enough away. Anyone could walk around the corner and see her waltzing with her invisible partner. She would never hear the end of it. She would be labeled “psycho” at the very worst, pathetic at the least. Neither term appealed to her much.

Johnny didn’t answer for a moment, and then he reached for her, pulling her into the circle of his arms. “Put your arms around me.”

Maggie hesitated again, but he smelled like sunshine and leather, and she couldn’t help herself. Surrender was far too easy. She set her hands on his shoulders and stepped into him, eyes glued to her shoes.

“Hold on tight. I’ve never done this before.”

Maggie’s head jerked up in confusion, and she let out a startled squeak as Johnny’s arms locked around her like steel bands. Without warning, she was swept up, like being caught in the vortex of a tornado, where the world spins around you and you are absolutely helpless in its power. Maggie’s hair whipped around her face, and she buried her head in Johnny’s chest, her arms clinging to him desperately.

Hallways and doorways, ceilings and floors, melded into flashing colors and shades of grey, without form or delineation. Within seconds, the tornado that had swept them up touched down without sound or fury, setting them weightlessly outside the dance room door. Maggie opened her eyes slowly and swayed on trembling legs. Johnny’s arms remained locked around her, but he lifted one warm hand to smooth her wind-blown hair. Like before, it fell heavy and straight over her shoulders, perfectly restored to its proper place.

“That was…interesting.” There was laughter in Johnny’s voice, and his face was slightly euphoric.

“What was that?” Maggie stuttered, closing her spinning eyes once more, trying to regain her equilibrium.

“That was me, taking you for a little ride. It was a little slower than I usually travel – but then I usually travel alone.”

He was laughing. Maggie shook her head in amazement. She still stood clutched in his arms, and his silent laughter reverberated through her like an electric charge.

Johnny stepped back and opened the dance room door. Bowing slightly, Johnny smirked and drawked, “After you, Miss Margaret.”

Maggie curtsied sassily and tossed her hair. Two could play this game. Turning on her heel, she sashayed into the room. Johnny groaned right out loud.

“Oh, baby,” she heard him mutter under his breath.

Right on cue, music blasted from the speakers, and Johnny’s arm snaked out and caught Maggie around her waist, his hand capturing hers as he spun her right into the Jitterbug. “Rockin’ Robin” shook the room, and Maggie shrieked and laughed, falling immediately into step with him. The boy knew what he was doing, and she was adept enough to follow his lead.

In and out, over and under, he swung her. Their bodies moved in concert, their feet flew, and Maggie’s skirt swooshed and floated around her in time to the beat. One song rolled into another, and then another, and Johnny didn’t miss a step. Maggie threw herself into the music, trusting her partner, mimicking his swagger and swings, letting him instruct her in a style of dance she knew very little about. She didn’t know how long they danced that way, frenzied, laughing, and never tiring as song after song wailed the forgotten soundtrack of an interrupted life.

Then the music slowed, and Johnny pulled her firmly up against him. Maggie’s laughter faded as she looped her arms around his neck, lifting her face to let the whirring fans in the corners of the room blow softly across her flushed cheeks. She knew this song and sang softly along with the Penguins….Earth Angel, Earth Angel…

Johnny sang too, and his voice tickled her ear “I’m just a fool…” Maggie’s heart missed a beat, and she leaned into him, resting her forehead on his chest.

“Maggie?” Johnny nuzzled her ear, and Maggie lifted her face from his chest. Her high heels put her eyes on a level with his lips. She watched them, and they whispered her name again, willing her to lift her chin and allow him access. The suspense was achingly sweet, and Maggie shifted ever so slightly, wanting to prolong the moment. As she did, she caught her movement reflected back at her in the mirrors that lined the dance room walls along one side. She had been so caught up in the dancing and so caught up in trying to follow Johnny’s lead, that she had failed to notice their reflection. Her reflection. Maggie stood in the center of the floor, facing the mirrors, arms raised and circling…absolutely nothing.

Johnny had no reflection. Her eyes swung down to the broad shoulders and firm chest supporting her arms, and then slid back to the overwhelming contradiction in the dance room mirrors. She held Johnny in her arms…yet held nothing at all. Her breath froze in her throat. Her lungs screamed for air, yet she couldn’t seem to remember how to inhale. Panicked, she pushed her way out of his embrace, stumbling back as the mirrors around her mocked her desperate untangling.

Maggie’s vision teetered, blurring at the edges, and the room spun wildly around her. The music faded like it had suddenly been sucked through a long dark tunnel, and Maggie realized that for the first time in her life she was going to faint. Maggie’s stomach lurched wildly as she felt herself be swept up off her feet and cradled like a child. Fighting to stay conscious, Maggie gasped for air and called out.

“Johnny?”

“What’s wrong, Maggie?! What the hell is happening!?” Johnny’s voice was urgent and confused.

“Take me out of this room, Johnny, please.”

Faster than it took her to form her next thought, in a blur of speed and light, Maggie found herself outside the dance room, still held in Johnny’s arms, the door swinging harmlessly back to a closed position.

“Where, Maggie?”

“Just …..be still for a minute.” Maggie’s head was swimming, and she didn’t think she could stand.

Johnny exhaled, his warm breath lifting Maggie’s hair where it clung to her feverish cheeks. Leaning back against the lockers, he slid slowly down the smooth metal surface, with Maggie still cradled in his arms, until he met the floor. He sat for several long minutes, Maggie silent and still against him. His warm hand made slow circles on her back, and Maggie concentrated on breathing deeply, in and out.

After a time, the circles Johnny was making on her back widened to include her dark hair that fanned across his chest. Rubbing a silky strand between his fingers, he lifted it and tucked it sweetly behind the ear that peeked out behind the heavy tresses.

“Are you all right?”

Maggie nodded, but burrowed her nose in his chest. She didn’t want to tell him what had scared her so badly.

“Maggie?”

Maggie nodded again and sat up, sliding to the floor beside him. She tucked her legs under her, smoothing her skirt nervously. Sighing, she pushed her hair back from her face and raised her eyes to his.

Blue eyes searched blue eyes as they regarded each other soberly, their faces only inches apart.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” Johnny’s voice was low and gentle, as if he were afraid to send her reeling back into the abyss.

“I couldn’t see you in the mirror.” Maggie spoke bluntly, seeing no way around the stunning revelation. “I could feel your heart beating, your arms around me, your breath in my ear,” Maggie blushed but soldiered on, her eyes still on his, “but in the mirror, you weren’t there. I stood completely alone in the center of the room. It was so surreal… and I think I forgot to breathe…I’m sorry for ruining everything.” And she was. How she wished she had missed that brief movement in the mirror and instead had pressed her lips to his, sealing the perfect hour with a kiss.

Johnny’s eyes shifted from hers then, and he drew his legs up, leaning his elbows onto his knees and running a hand through his slicked back hair. It fell back into place. He scrubbed at it again, violently. It slid effortlessly back to its original perfection.

“The night I died, for lack of a better word, I realized something was seriously wrong. I had felt myself dying. I was in horrible pain. I had a hole in my chest, and there was blood everywhere. I remember refusing to go. I fought it so hard, and then I must have passed out, because the next thing I knew I was standing, watching everything happening around me, but no one seemed to know I was there.

“I saw my momma. She ran into the school, stood two feet from me, and didn’t see me. She didn’t hear me either – nobody did. They were all looking for me, but I couldn’t let them know I was right there, and honestly, I didn’t know if I really was…. do you understand?”

Maggie nodded, transfixed

“I collided with a deputy, and I felt it, just as I would have if I’d been… alive. He felt it too, though I can’t say what he felt exactly. He reacted, though. Then, I tried to leave the school when they took my brother’s body away, but I couldn’t. It was like I was on an invisible leash, and it would stretch just so far. I couldn’t hear or see anything beyond the school. I saw no stars shining through the windows, no sirens or lights from the police cars, nothing. .

“Then later that night, the police searched the school. They spent hours digging through this place, searching high and low. I followed them around – even speaking to them, trying to tell them what had happened. It was like I wasn’t there at all. Then I got frustrated, and I tripped one officer, and he fell. I pushed one guy into another, and it started a fight between them. None of it made any sense.

“When they all left, I went into the boys’ locker room. I was cold and scared, and I didn’t know what the hell was happening. I turned on the showers and stood beneath them in all my clothes. The heat felt good, but the water didn’t make me wet. My clothes were as dry as they’d been before. I felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare, and I couldn’t wake up. I ran out of the showers and toward the mirrors and realized I couldn’t see myself in them.”

Maggie shuddered, understanding full well what that must have been like. She reached for him, but Johnny paused only briefly before beginning again, unloading the memory like he was reliving it once more. It occurred to her that he had never been able to unburden himself to anyone.

“I broke them. I couldn’t stand it.” Johnny’s eyes met hers again. “I broke every mirror in that bathroom. I slammed my fists into them over and over. The glass was everywhere. I felt the pain in my fists, but there were no cuts and no blood. My hands were completely uninjured.” Johnny looked down at his hands, his palms up; he seemed lost in the past.

“Before long, they fixed the mirrors. I’ve learned to avoid them. And, to tell you the truth, I’ve gotten used to it -- so used to it that I forgot. ” His voice dropped to just above a whisper. “I didn’t know it would be the same for you, Maggie. After all, you CAN see me.” Johnny smiled a little at that, but his eyes looked bleak, and Maggie longed to rewind the night back to “Rockin’ Robin,” when he had laughed and danced and seemed as care-free and innocent as the song.

Johnny rose to his feet and leaned down to her, extending his hands. She let him pull her to her feet, but gripped his hands tightly when he would have turned away.

“Don’t go!” Maggie couldn’t help but plead. “Just one more dance, please?”

“The dance is over.” Johnny’s voice was gentle, but he was already pulling away. “The school is empty, Maggie. Isn’t there someone waiting for you, worrying about where you are?”

She hated that it seemed so easy for him to leave her when she felt like her heart might break if she had to walk away. Not yet, please, not yet.

“We have time for one more – don’t we?” It was certainly not yet midnight. If Aunt Irene were waiting, she wouldn’t be worried yet.

Something warred in Johnny’s eyes, a battle of desperation and of need, and he bowed his head, holding it briefly in his hands, and she knew he was going to refuse her.

Moving close, Maggie pulled his hands away from his downcast face and stepped within a breath of him, lifting her cheek to his when he wouldn’t lift his head. Where she got the courage, she didn’t know. It was a courage born of her own desperation, and she spoke just one word.

“Please.” It was only a whisper of sound, but his arms slid around her, and from overhead a melody wafted down to wrap them in song.

They moved slowly, cheek pressed against cheek, arms embracing one another.



“Stay with me my darling

I’m lost without your touch

Without you time goes slowly

And time can hurt so much

Will you please stay?….”



The song ended much too quickly, and as the last note faded Johnny whispered the words Maggie couldn’t bear to hear.

“You have to go, Maggie.”

“I don’t want to…”

Johnny’s sigh echoed in her heart as he pressed his forehead against hers. “You have to, Maggie. This won’t get any easier. If you don’t go now, I won’t be able to let you go at all.”

Maggie thrilled at his words and pressed a kiss into his palm.

“Then I’ll stay.”

Johnny threw himself from her with a guttural groan.

“Don’t you think I want you to stay, Maggie? You’re all I think about. You’re everything I want! Don’t you think I’d keep you here with me if I could?” His voice had grown more strident. It was loud and cutting, reverberating down the empty corridor. Maggie winced and stepped back as if he had struck her. He pressed on ruthlessly.

“I’d give anything to keep pretending – because that’s what we’re doing. We’re playing make believe.” Johnny’s hands fisted in his hair, and he spun, talking as much to himself as to her.

“I was going to stay away from you – I tried so hard. But I saw you. You were so beautiful tonight and so alone, and I couldn’t resist. I had to get closer, and then…. I could see your sadness, and I couldn’t stand it. I told myself I could comfort you, that it would be just for a moment...“

“Why would you even try to stay away?!” Maggie interrupted, as impassioned as he. “What did I do?”

“It’s not what YOU did! It’s what I’m doing to you!” Johnny gaped at her, incredulous.

“Maggie – if this were 1958, and none of this had ever happened, and I was just a guy and you were my girl…..I would hold on to you and never let you go,” Johnny implored huskily, “But it isn’t 1958…and I am not just a guy, in love with his girl.”

Maggie swallowed back the yearning that his words conjured inside her. She stepped toward him again, and he raised his right hand, stepping back, warding her off.

“Maggie! This can’t work! Don’t you understand? I am essentially a ghost. I have no life beyond these walls! This can only hurt you. I will only hurt you.” Johnny’s eyes glittered like twin blue lasers incinerating her with his gaze. He lifted his arm and pointed away from him.

“You have to go.”

“No,” Maggie whispered the word.

“Maggie! Listen to me!”

Maggie covered her ears with shaking hands, defying him.

“Go!” The venom in his voice lashed out like a whip, and Maggie felt the heat radiate off of him like a billowing furnace.

Maggie shook her head vehemently, her eyes filling with angry tears. “I won’t.”

“Oh God!” he moaned, raising his face to the ceiling, in supplication to a higher power. His arms hung at his sides, fists clenched and muscles corded in an effort to resist.

“I love you,” Maggie said honestly, her tears freely falling.

“Maggie, please,” he pleaded with her then, the anger falling away as he moaned in surrender. With a speed that was beyond human, he swept her up against him, burying his face in her hair and crying out her name, over and over. Sinking to the ground with her, he rained kisses on her tear-stained cheeks, on her eyelids, on her soft mouth. His voice thick with emotion, he begged her not to cry, and begged her to forgive him. Then he was gone. Like a star winking out for the last time, he was gone, taking his light and his heat and Maggie’s heart with him.


He watched over Maggie as she sat, huddled and crying in the dark corridor. He fought against his desire for her, against the need that buffeted him. Johnny felt her pain calling out to him, but he resisted, knowing that wanting her made him selfish, but loving her demanded he deny himself.

She didn’t leave. With all his might, he willed her to return home to the arms that could hold her and comfort her. He exerted all his energy, which was considerable, to lift her from the floor and set her on her feet. But her will was not his to direct, and her physical self was not an energy he could control. She remained there, huddled in his prison, waiting for him to return.

Johnny watched in agony as she cried herself to sleep, a despondent tumble of arms and legs, lying on the cold linoleum floor. He sent hot air billowing through nearby vents to warm her trembling form and soothe her troubled sleep. Time passed. He watched as the old man, Gus, and his grandson entered the school, their faces grey and drawn with worry. He heard them call her name, ached to direct them to her, and finally, saw them find her.

“Miss Margaret!” Gus rushed to her side, the boy at his heels. “Oh Miss Margaret…what has happened to you, child?” Gus’s voice was thick with fear and sick with dread. He knelt by her sleeping form and rubbed his gnarled hand across her brow and down her bowed back, trying to rouse her.

“Miss Margaret! Are you all right? Wake up, little girl. Wake up, now.” Neither Gus nor Shad would be able to carry her, even as slight as she was, and Maggie was emotionally and physically spent. She slept as if in a stupor, and Gus was getting very little response from her. Johnny fought the instinct to assist the old man, afraid to touch Maggie once more. But he was weak with guilt and grief, and he could not watch any longer.

He crept closer, careful to avoid brushing against the boy or the old man. He knelt at Maggie’s head and stroked her hair without stirring a single strand. Sliding his hands under her head and shoulders, he eased her up slightly and, just as he hoped, she struggled to push herself upright. He whispered her name, and she trembled in response.

“Johnny?” His name was a mournful sound on her lips, and the old man stiffened as if he’d been struck. The boy stumbled back, clearly afraid.

Johnny instantly retreated; with a flash of energy he stood several yards back, once again observing.

Gus and Shad were able to coax Maggie to her feet, her slight body wedged between them, her arms along their shoulders, and their arms around her waist. She leaned heavily into Shad, and Johnny felt a stab of jealousy so intense it made him catch his breath and clutch his chest. What he wouldn’t give to walk from these walls, out into the early morning air, his arm around the girl he loved.

Somehow, Maggie communicated the whereabouts of her possessions, because Shad released her and ran ahead to the girls’ locker room. Gus remained by her side, walking slowly, his thin arm around her shoulders as they neared the exit doors. Johnny followed at a distance.

As they pushed through, Gus glanced back and for a moment his eyes met Johnny’s. His lips thinned and his brows lifted. Shock flickered across his tired face. “He sees me,” Johnny thought before the door swooshed closed, and Maggie and Gus became part of the black that was beyond.