Slow Dance in Purgatory

13

“PRETEND”

Nat King Cole - 1953





The next few weeks passed in a blur of stolen moments and secret rendezvous, and Maggie grabbed every second with both hands and held on tight. When the early mornings and evenings weren’t enough, Johnny would attend her classes with her. Sitting in an empty chair or perched on her desk, he would contribute his thoughts on the various subjects, unbeknownst to her teachers or the other students around him. Maggie wondered how often he had done this very same thing over the last years. He could probably write a book on all her subjects or at the very least, teach the class.

Maggie had the difficult task of acting like he wasn’t there, though she hung on his every word, his every thought, and his every expression. His mere presence made her glow with happiness, and more than once, she had to make up an excuse for speaking out loud or giggling with, what appeared to be, her imaginary friend. In Math, Johnny would kneel by her desk and help her with her geometry proofs. In English, he would assist her with her reading, and in Chemistry he frequently helped her decipher complicated concepts and instructions. Maggie was thrilled to have her own personal tutor, and her grades had never been better.

Johnny seemed as enamored with her as she was with him, and every once in a while he would forget that he blocked the aisle alongside her desk, tripping and bumping unsuspecting passers-by. Those unlucky students would look around in confusion, wondering what they had stumbled over. Sometimes they thought it was Maggie who had stuck out a foot or jostled them as they passed. She got more than her share of dirty looks and often found herself blurting out awkward apologies for things she hadn’t done.

A few kids in Senior English started poking fun at her one afternoon, after she slipped and replied to Johnny’s comments out loud in a very quiet classroom. They were supposed to be silently reading Jane Eyre. Johnny was reading it out loud to her, making the whole assignment a million times easier. Plus, Johnny had to get very close in order to see over her shoulder and make it appear as if she were the one reading. Close to Johnny was close to heaven in Maggie’s world.

The story had started to take shape, and Maggie lost herself in Johnny’s voice and the romance between Jane and Mr. Rochester. Maggie could relate to the orphaned Jane who had so little. She was aghast when Jane discovered Mr. Rochester had a crazy wife hidden in the attic, and she was completely devastated when Jane decided she had to leave Thornfield Hall.

“But she loves him – she can’t go!” Maggie whispered. A few heads turned her way and then, shoulders shrugging, resumed their own reading.

“But he isn’t free to love her the way that she deserves,” Johnny replied gently.

“He’s crazy about her!” This time a few people snickered, but Maggie was totally unaware of them. Johnny laid a warning finger against her lips. Maggie looked up from the page into his beloved face, and all thoughts of Jane Eyre fled at the sadness in his gaze.

“Yes, he’s crazy about her – obsessed with her, even… and she loves him too. But it’s an impossible situation.”

Maggie knew Johnny wasn’t talking about Jane and Mr. Rochester anymore. Her eyes filled with tears, and she blinked rapidly, trying to hold them back. A few escaped and spilled out, sliding down her cheeks to freedom.

Johnny lifted his fingers and tried to capture them, but the tears slipped past, undeterred. It was as if the water slid right through his seeking fingertips.

“Why can’t I have a happy ending, just once?” Maggie’s voice caught on a sob, and the entire class looked at her like she had lost her mind.

“Miss O’Bannon? Are you okay?” Mrs. Olsen’s kind face radiated concern, and Maggie realized that she was crying in front of an audience – and not only crying, but seemingly talking to herself. She scrambled to wipe the tears from her cheeks and diffuse the embarrassing situation.

“Th-this b-book is just really s-sad,” Maggie gulped, mortified. Johnny had gone as still as Michelangelo’s David.

“It surely is, dear,” Mrs. Olsen agreed, rising from her desk to bring Maggie a tissue. “Carry on, class. Good literature should make us weep.”

Somebody coughed loudly, infusing the cough with the word “freak.” Muffled laughter rose from around the room. Dara Manning, the dance team captain, tried to copy the cough, only she inserted the word ‘loser’ instead. The smothered laughter and mocking comments continued throughout the remainder of the class. Maggie just slid her hand into Johnny’s, hoping he wouldn’t start sending things crashing around the room. He stiffened as if struck every time someone chimed in with a rude barb, but he didn’t retaliate. He continued reading to her until the end of class and, when it was over, slipped away, whispering the same words he always gave her – that he would be nearby.

If people were looking at her strangely and wondering why she was acting a little off, Maggie hardly noticed and never cared. Even her strained relationship with Shad was not enough to pop the bubble she floated in, day after day. Shad hadn’t talked to her for several days after their argument, but he had eventually thawed and resumed his endearing, if slightly obnoxious, ways. He was definitely more suspicious though, and watched her more possessively than he ever had before.

Johnny stayed away after school if she was working alongside Shad or Gus, making it possible for her to concentrate on her work and her friends. But she missed him desperately when he did, and sought more and more opportunities to work alone so he would join her. Shad complained that she was never around and when she was, she was constantly daydreaming and never listened. One afternoon, he even made snide comments in front of Gus about sneaking off to see her boyfriend.

“Who’s this boyfriend, Miss Margaret?” Gus was taken-aback. “Did I miss some big news?” he teased her good-naturedly.

Maggie tossed a withering look in Shad’s direction. He stuck his tongue out at her and folded his arms insolently.

“No boyfriend, Gus. Shad’s just being really stupid.” Maggie enunciated the word ‘stupid’ and turned away from Shad. His antics were getting old.

“Oh, yeah? What about Johnny, Maggie? I thought he was your guy. Or hasn’t he asked you to go steady yet? Hasn’t he given you his class ring? That’s the way they used to do it in the ‘50s, right, Gramps?”

Maggie gasped in outrage and reeled back in shock. Shad’s chin quivered as if he realized he had crossed a line. Gus looked back and forth between them, confusion wrinkling his brow.

“What’s going on with you two? You’ve been at each other for weeks now. And what’s this talk of Johnny, Miss Margaret? He ain’t been up to his old tricks again, has he? He been givin’ you trouble?”

Gus’s frank belief in Johnny’s existence was gratifying, but useless. Maggie would never confide in him, not about this. He might fire her, or worse, tell Irene. No one wanted a crazy foster kid. She might lose her home…again. She might lose Johnny. Fear clogged her throat and sealed her lips. Years of guarding her emotions and trusting no one could not be undone in months.

“Johnny hasn’t been giving me trouble, Gus,” Maggie sighed and turned away. “Shad is just messing with you and trying to irritate me, right Shad?” Maggie glared hard at Shad, and he just walked away without a word.

Maggie gathered her supplies and trudged angrily to the cafeteria. Shad had better not be there. Hopefully Gus would assign him to scrub the boys’ bathroom floor…with his vicious tongue! What was his problem?!

Maggie filled her bucket with soapy water and was just about to heave it down from the oversized sink when Johnny stepped around her and lifted it easily to the floor.

“Just in time! My hero!” Maggie batted her eyes and grinned up at him.

Johnny smirked back, but his eyes were shadowed and his smile fleeting.

Maggie followed after him as he wheeled the heavy mop bucket to the cafeteria. Without comment, he helped her move the tables and chairs to the far edges of the room. He took the mop from her hands and began sliding it back and forth across the dirty tiles in a steady swath. Maggie had seen him clean the floor with a thought when they had gotten carried away in conversation, and Maggie had hours of work still to complete. He obviously wanted to do it the old-fashioned way tonight. She didn’t mind. She always felt a little guilty when he made it too easy for her.

Grabbing another mop, Maggie dug in, and she and Johnny mopped side by side without speaking for a considerable amount of time.

“What was Shad so upset about?” Johnny said after a while.

“Shad is a little weasel.” Maggie had not forgiven him yet. “He claims to be my friend! He claims to be more than my friend, yet he is constantly on my case.”

“He’s just worried about you.”

“Ha!” Maggie cried, mop in hand, hand on hip. “He is jealous and nasty!”

“He is jealous….but he’s worried about you too,” Johnny insisted, not breaking his rhythm.

“I don’t understand why he’s jealous! He has no claim to me, and he thinks he has it all figured out. What does he know, really?”

Maggie resumed mopping, angrily swiping at tiles that she had already cleaned.

“He does have it all figured out, Maggie. That’s why he’s acting the way he is.”

“Why are you defending him? And what does he possibly have to worry about, anyway?” Maggie suddenly felt like bursting into tears, and she blinked her eyes furiously, not wanting Johnny to see her cry.

“Maggie…Maggie, stop.” Johnny wrestled the mop from her hands and threw it. It landed perfectly upright next to the suds bucket and his mop, which were already neatly lined against the wall. Pulling her into his arms, he slid into a cafeteria chair and held her in his lap. Maggie collapsed against him with a snarly sigh.

“He is worried about you because you are acting like you are in love with a ghost.” Johnny forced her to meet his eyes.

“Well, I am,” Maggie said in a tight, small voice.

“Maggie – “Johnny moaned, resting his forehead on her shoulder. Her hands immediately shot up to smooth his hair.

“Maggie,” he tried again, sitting up. He slid his fingers between hers, bringing their joined hands to her lap. “You are walking around with your head in the clouds. People are starting to notice. Shad most of all. He’s heard people talk about you and laugh at you. It hurts him. It hurts me. It hurts me even worse to know I am the cause.”

Maggie rose from Johnny’s lap abruptly and took several steps from him, physically distancing herself from what he was saying. She could take the laughter; she could take the teasing and the ridicule, but she couldn’t take losing one more person that she loved. His words felt like good-bye, and she couldn’t take that most of all.

“I need to go.” Maggie retreated. She didn’t want to continue with this conversation, even if it meant cutting their time short.

“All right.” Johnny didn’t argue or beg her to stay, and that made her feel ten times worse. He walked up behind her and ran a hand down her smooth ponytail, wrapping it around his hand and using it to turn her around and pull her to him.

“Every moment with you has made the last fifty years worth it,” Johnny said with quiet intensity, and he lifted her chin and pressed his lips to hers, parting them softly. It was a kiss filled with both yearning and denial, a kiss that ended far too quickly.

“Goodnight, sweetheart.”

“Goodnight, Johnny,” Maggie whispered.


Maggie called for Johnny when she entered the school on Tuesday morning. The fact that she had to call at all was fair warning that he wouldn’t be joining her. He was usually there before she was completely through the door, as eager to greet her as she was to be greeted. She lifted her chin stubbornly. Fair enough. She had let her dancing slip since Johnny had begun to occupy her free time. She would shake some of the rust off this morning. Maggie danced relentlessly for an hour, pushing herself beyond fatigue and leaving the dance room exhausted but satiated and strangely content. Dancing had filled all her lonely, aching, spaces once more.

A few of the girls from the dance team were in the girls’ locker room when Maggie headed in to rinse off and get ready for school. She heard Dara Manning say something snide about her old shorts and ratty t-shirt, and Dara’s friends twittered and snickered in all the appropriate places. She ignored them wearily.

“Maggie?” Dara approached her and asked her if she had a spare tampon, all the while pretending she was crying.

One of Dara’s friends, right on cue, asked Dara if she was okay – Dara responded, still play-crying.

“It’s just so sad! Why aren’t there any happy endings? I really needed a tampon!”

Maggie walked away. She recognized her words from that embarrassing day in English class, and she really didn’t want to deal with Dara Manning’s crap; however, she realized suddenly that what Johnny had said was true. Shehad drawn the attention and ridicule of her classmates and her teammates. Had she been that unaware?

The next couple of days were carbon copies of Tuesday. Johnny was nowhere to be found. Maggie stopped calling to him, knowing that if he wanted to be with her, he would. It was all she could do not to throw a huge tantrum and demand he respond, but she was tougher than that, and she held on to her pride like a lifeline.

Just about the time everyone started to forget about her scandalous walk down Main Street, Shad’s mother got arrested for prostitution and drug possession. This wasn’t her first offense, and it looked like she was going to spend some time in jail. It happened late Tuesday night, and unfortunately, a member of the football team had heard the report called in over his dad’s police scanner. The whole school knew about the arrest by Wednesday afternoon, and since then, Shad had been the brunt of never ending jokes and had had to endure some pretty nasty innuendo. His spirits were as low as Maggie’s were.

It had gotten his mother out of the house, at least, and Shad and Gus came for dinner on Thursday night, which hadn’t happened for a while. Irene prepared all of Shad’s favorite dishes in an effort to cheer him up. He picked at his food and was only motivated to eat when Gus reminded him that he would never grow if he didn’t dig in. He laid into the food then, eating like he would never eat again.

Maggie asked Shad if he wanted to watch a movie or play a game after dinner. Aunt Irene didn’t have any game systems, so they were stuck with very old board games, which kind of stunk, but Shad gladly accepted, and he hung around for a while. They ended up out on the front porch swing, huddled in their winter coats, hands stuffed in their pockets and faces burrowed in their collars.

“If you could be a super hero, who would you be?” Shad mumbled from the folds of his jacket.

“Hmmm. That’s a hard one. I’d have to think about it. What about you? Who would you be?”

“Well, I wouldn’t be Spiderman, because no one would know it was me, and I would want the glory. I wouldn’t be Batman, because he doesn’t have any real abilities; he just has cool gadgets. I think I identify most with Superman. Everyone underestimates him, thinks he’s nothing but nerdy Clark Kent, and then Wham! He’s flyin’ around savin’ shit.”

Maggie laughed, and they sat reflecting on the various pros and cons of being this or that super hero.

“Okay. So you don’t know which super hero you’d be. But what if you could pick any power, like mind-reading or seeing the future or…”

“The ability to eat whatever I wanted and never get fat?” Maggie cut it.

“That’s such a girl thing to say. NO! You have to pick a genuine super power. I’ve got the ‘never get fat’ one already, and it ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, trust me.”

“Such a typical boy thing to say.”

“Come on, Mags! What would it be?”

“I would love to be able to fly…but what good what that do me, really? I guess I’d save on gas, or maybe I could fly to New York, but then I’d have to carry my bags….”

“Mags! Focus. This is serious.” Shad looked very perturbed.

“It is?” Maggie was a little surprised at his intensity. “Okay. I guess I would wish….to stop time, or even better, to time travel.” Then she could go back and stop Johnny from ever going into the school that terrible night, and she would just stay in the fifties with him. She and Irene could be young together, and she would never let her marry Roger.

“That’d be cool….” Shad nodded thoughtfully. “‘Course, I’m a black man, you know, and the farther you go back in time, the worse it gets for us. I think I’ll stay right here.”

“So what would your pick be? Super strength, right? No… super speed!”

Shad shook his head soberly at both of her guesses. “Nope. I think I may have those already, too.” Maggie elbowed him in his skinny ribs, and he giggled like the old Shad.

“So what would it be?”

“Sometimes…I just wish I could disappear.” Shad said quietly, all traces of laughter gone from his voice.

Maggie was stunned into silence.

Shad continued, a faraway look stealing across his face. “Then I could come and go as I please. Nobody could ever stop me or tell me I don’t belong. I could walk in to any restaurant,” Shad started ticking things off on his fingers, “any night club, movie set, NFL game, NBA game, airplane, or country in the world, and nobody would be the wiser. Complete freedom, Mags. I wouldn’t have to have money or things. I would just take what I needed. I wouldn’t be greedy or take from people who couldn’t afford it.”

“That’s not freedom. “ Maggie thought of Johnny, with all his mind-blowing abilities and absolutely no freedom. “Being invisible would come with a lot of difficulties and limitations. What about when you fell in love, or got tired of being invisible and wanted good conversation or a friend, but nobody knew you existed?”

“Heck, Maggie. Nobody knows I exist now! The only time anybody notices me is when they want somebody to pick on or embarrass.”

Maggie sighed, understanding completely.

“Maybe invisibility isn’t what I’d choose,’” Shad said, reconsidering. “Maybe I would just wish to be somebody else – like…maybe, I could pick a life and just jump in. Do you think Kobe or LeBron would mind me taking over their life?”

“Probably…and I would miss you.”

“Really…you would?” Shad’s voice was so hopeful, it made Maggie ache.

“Yes Shad, I would. Why don’t you just make your life the best it can be? There are so many possibilities out there. You live in a great country, you are healthy, young, smart – heck, you already have super speed and super strength.” Maggie grinned at Shad. “Nothing is holding you back. Why would you want to disappear or be anyone else?”

“Because…then….maybe you would love me the way I love you.”

Not this again! Striving for patience, Maggie chose her words very carefully.

“I do love you, Shad. But you’re fourteen, and you have a lot of life ahead of you before you need to shackle yourself to one woman. You’re probably going to fall in love a million times. Someday, someone is definitely going to fall head over heels in love with you, Shadrach Jasper, and then you won’t want to trade places with anyone else. You won’t even remember me, then. It will be like I just disappeared.”

Shad stood up abruptly, making the swing shake from side to side. Maggie let out a surprised “eek!” and gripped the chains supporting the swing to prevent herself from being dumped on the porch. Shad looked down at her, his expression fierce and his voice vehement. He shook his scrawny finger in her face as he scolded her.

“Don’t ever say that, Maggie! I worry sometimes that you will disappear….that Johnny Kinross will carry you away to his invisible world…and you’ll never come back.” Shad looked close to tears, and he slumped back down next to her once more, making the swing bobble and shake all over again.

“Shad….really? Be serious.” Maggie’s heart was pounding oddly; stepping into Johnny’s world was something she had daydreamed about many times. Tentatively, she reached over and took Shad’s hand in hers. He gripped it hard and laid his head on her shoulder. His voice was muffled by her sleeve when he finally spoke again.

“Just…stay here, okay Maggie?”

“Don’t worry, Shad. I’m not going anywhere.” And sadly, Maggie feared her words were all too true.