He squeezed my hand but judiciously changed the subject. “I got your shirt from Ally.” He draped an East Lake spirit shirt over a chair—it was too fitted for me to wrangle over my pajamas and IV lines.
“Do you think I should tell them? I was going to, but then there was the thing with Lauren and the thing with Hil.” I was weighted down with guilt and itchy with lies. Panic hovered an inch away, looking for a place to land.
“I’ve always thought you should,” he confessed.
“You never said.”
“I figured it was your decision and if you wanted my opinion, you’d ask.”
Even Ryan thought I was wrong? If the only supporter of secrecy was Mom, what did that say about how rational the idea was? I nodded at the wall, seeing my idiocy written on its blank surface. It was illogical, but I was irritated—why hadn’t he told me? What else did he disapprove of?
“What’s going on in there?” Ryan traced a finger across my forehead.
“Nothing.” Lots, but nothing I felt like sharing.
“You sure? You look pretty intimidating right now.” Ryan’s cell rang.
“Go ahead and answer.” My words were clipped.
“Hello? Yeah, sure.” Ryan gave me a puzzled look and covered the receiver. “It’s Hil. For you.”
I almost dropped the phone, I wasn’t prepared for everything to happen this fast. “Hey. Why are you calling Ryan’s phone?”
“Thought it might be the only way to actually get you. And it worked, didn’t it? How are you?”
Despite my recent vow to tell, I offered a partial truth. “It’s no big deal; I have the flu.”
“Cut the crap, Mia. What’s really going on?” Her concern morphed into frustration.
“Hillary …”
“No more lies—Monica said she saw Ryan carry you out of the bathroom and you were covered in blood. What the hell happened?”
I let go of the cover stories, excuses, lies, and pretending. I was done. “You’re right. I’m not fine.”
“I knew it! Why all the super secrecy?” Her voice was bright with triumph, then fizzled into concern. “What’s going on? Why won’t you tell me?”
I took a deep breath and looked at Ryan. I remembered the day I’d told him: the hours, tears, and questions. This wasn’t something I could dump on her over the phone. “Can you get the girls together tomorrow? I’d rather tell you all at once.”
“Just tell me now. I’m really worried. Do you want me to come over?”
“No. It can wait.”
“Don’t play martyr, Mia. If you’re not okay, I’m coming. It’s just a game. I can miss it.”
I forced a smile into my voice. “Just a game? It’s East-Green!” I needed time to plan this. After all the damage I’d done, I needed to get this perfect. Hil had apologized to me about Ryan, but wasn’t what I’d done even worse?
“Promise you’ll call tomorrow? No excuses?”
“Promise. Have fun tonight.” I shut off the phone and sighed.
“Once you make up your mind, you don’t mess around,” Ryan said. “Want me to stay?”
“No, just go. You can tell me about it tomorrow.” Irrational or not, I was annoyed with him. With life. My insides churned like a lava lamp, each new emotion burbling up and changing my outlook: rage, betrayal, remorse, irritation.
“I don’t mind staying.” Ryan reached over and took one of my hands, tracing the lines on my palm before threading his fingers through. “Maybe then you’ll realize I’m serious and finally admit we’re dating.”
The lava lamp exploded and I was drowning in a kaleidoscope of feeling. “Please don’t do this tonight. I really don’t want to get into it right now.” I tried to pull my fingers back, but Ryan tightened his grip.
“Then when? Tell me when’s a good time because I’ve been patient. Whether or not you allow people to call me your boyfriend doesn’t change the fact that I pretty much am.”
He was studying me so intently I had to look away. I stared at our interlaced fingers, then at the other hand he put on top of our clasped ones.
“Why take that risk? I just don’t want to lose you as a friend if we don’t work.”
“Don’t give me that!” Ryan stood, pulling his hands away and leaving mine cold. He dragged them through his hair and grasped the back of his neck. “Goddamn it, Mia, that’s bullshit! We may not work out, so don’t even try? When did you turn into a coward?”
He sat on the edge of my bed so suddenly it startled me. My pulse jumped in surprise and then kept racing because he was so close. “Don’t tell me you don’t feel anything for me. I know you do.”
His blue eyes were so close and I wanted to get lost in them like I had so many other times. Have him make me forget about medications and fights and everything but feeling beautiful and wanted. If I could have just a few moments of that, maybe the rest would make sense too.