COLE SAT IN HIS PARKED TRUCK watching the people hurry along the streets, carrying brightly wrapped packages and waving cheerfully to one another. The stores were heavily decorated, as were the streetlights and even one or two of the trees in front of the shops. The tall fir in front of the veterinarian clinic was a masterpiece, with lights and ornaments and a blazing star on the top, courtesy of Maia.
He could hear music blaring out of the clinic, a wild rendition of “Jingle Bells.” That was so like Maia. The clinic was closed, but people were going in and out carrying boxes of food and presents to cars. As always, she headed up the drive to take dinners and gifts to the less fortunate, and she’d managed to rally quite a crew to help her.
He couldn’t wait to see her, to watch the way her eyes lit up when she first saw him, to see her smile blossom and hear her laughter. He ached to hold her, to feel her skin against his and he could already taste her kiss. Sometimes, when he was away from her, he woke up with the taste of her in his mouth. He’d been gone two months this time. It was the longest they’d ever been apart, and he’d felt every second of the separation. He’d never stay away that long again. He needed his family far more than he needed the outlet of his undercover work. He would still continue it, but he would not take a job where he would be separated from them for so long. He’d learned, in his long absence, that they were his balance and sanity.
A part of him was afraid of his welcome. Afraid that smile, the light in Maia’s eyes wouldn’t be there for him this time. His hands gripped the steering wheel, thinking about losing her, losing what he had because he could never quite rid himself of the demons that plagued him his entire life.
He heard laughter and turned his head to see the two little girls running up the street, clutching at Jase’s hands, dragging him toward the clinic. Their dark hair, so like his, was shiny and bobbed as they ran. His three-year-old twin daughters had Maia’s deep blue-green eyes and her smile. He loved the sound of their laughter. He still couldn’t believe he had daughters. Beautiful twins who climbed all over him and kissed him every chance they got. Maia had given him that gift.
Observing Jase with his daughters brought a lump to his throat. His brother had grown into everything he’d hoped. He was tall and strong, his gangly frame filled out. He carried himself with confidence. The shadows that had always been present in his eyes were replaced with contentment. He had friends and did extraordinarily well in school. Maia had managed that as well. She’d had him working daily in the clinic with her, taking him on ranch calls and teaching him her craft, encouraging him in school and, more importantly, bringing him a sense of family.
Cole slid from the truck, knowing he was going to have to go in and face his fate. Unlike Jase, he knew he would never be rid of the past. He would awaken in a cold sweat, Maia in his arms, her voice soothing, her body soft and inviting, always ready to take away the nightmares. He loved her so much he ached with it, yet he couldn’t always stay. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, Maia always saw the demons growing in him.
It was always Maia who put her arms around him and told him to go. “It’s okay,” she would whisper, kissing her way up his back to the nape of his neck. “Do what you have to do and come back to us.” She never cried, and she never chastised him or made him feel guilty. She was Maia, offering him freedom with love in her eyes. And he always returned because he couldn’t live without her.
But as he opened the door to the clinic, his heart pounded with fear. If she rejected him, his life was over. He knew that, knew he needed her more than most men needed their wife and lover. She gave him acceptance and understanding when he didn’t have it himself. She taught her daughters that same acceptance and understanding of his shortcomings, and she’d taught it to Jase.
The music greeted him as the door swung open. Someone bumped into him, laughed, and called out a merry Christmas. He just kept walking through the outer office, down the decorated hall to the back room, where the operation of filling boxes was taking place. Dread was growing, a dark ugly feeling he couldn’t stop. All around him were the signs of Christmas, of happiness overflowing. He walked with confidence, but deep inside, where no one saw, he was screaming inside.
“Daddy!” Ashley screamed his name and rushed him, a small dynamo, throwing her arms around one leg, effectively stopping him.