“Listen, Marren, I don’t understand what you expected, but I don’t just sit around and wait. I do anything I can to help, which is what I thought I was doing,” I said, a sharp clip in my words.
“Just go back to your room and wait for me there. Please.” He turned his back to me, approaching the servants that still watched with wide-eyed horror.
I sheathed my sword, rigid then glanced toward Enid.
“Thank you for bringing back my sword and the only one to cover my back.” I glared at Marren who heard my words. His eyes were on fire. I held the satisfaction inside me knowing I burned him just as he had burned me while I stomped up the stairs, making my way back to my room.
***
The view from the balcony brought me calm. Something about the view of the mountains stretching toward the sky high above the trees brought a soothing perspective to me. Even after nothing else helped and I stomped the span of the room a hundred times before going out on the balcony. And yet, thinking about the way Marren reacted to me made no sense and re-angered me.
I wanted to get away and be alone, outside of four walls for a while. I peeked over the ledge and judged the distance between the balcony and the ground. If I made the jump to the corridor floor fine, I could make the jump to the garden as well. At least in theory.
With not much more thought going into the idea, I climbed atop the stone railing, sitting on it instead of standing and took in a deep breath. The sound of my door opening and my need to escape for a little while urged me to push off the balcony. I landed with a sharp, shocking pain shooting up to my knees, but I made it. I laughed to myself, satisfied in my own little feat, then took off running into the forest. After crossing through the trees, I turned and saw Marren glancing over the balcony with a sad expression on his face. I was overwhelmed with horrible emotions and considered walking back but was also too stubborn to do so. Instead, I stood like a mindless dope, watching Marren scan the trees for me. I couldn’t move further away from him. I was glued in place. He walked back into the room, releasing me from my guilt and allowing me to move.
I had a mind to find the field of tulips. Something deep inside told me he wasn’t one for standing around and waiting either, so what better place to find me than in the tulip field? I kicked myself for not using the path when I first ran into the trees because I was having a hard time finding the flowers. In the process of wandering, I became increasingly worried I was going to get myself turned around. I didn’t want to end up changing alone, in the middle of the forest, far away from Marren.
My heart thumped heavy at the thought of his name. The mere idea of his touch forced me to pause. I gripped a tree trunk, hyperaware of the tiny ridges in the bark and the small raises in the width. The blended aromas of the forest became more potent and different from each other in ways that seemed impossible. Each scent stood on its own instead of mingling to form one combined scent. I inhaled the dirt, the grass, the trees, the sticky sap, and the ferns; the musk of squirrels and the dusty scent of birds, even the soft sweet scent of the tulips.
Excitement pulsed through me, urging me forward. My new skill must have been a level of the change I experienced. It was intoxicating, like when escaping the guards, the possibility of being caught, and the incomparable elation of avoiding that fate.
I followed the scent of the tulips, luring me until, between the span of trees, I saw a sheet of red floating on a light green blanket. I raced toward the field, relishing in the joy of finding it and not getting lost. Crossing the first row into the field, my fingers brushed a few of the tops. I walked slowly toward the center, wondering how our dance didn’t break any of the stems. Each one stood strong, without missing so much as a petal. Not one sign of us having ever been there was seen. It put a hollowed feeling within me, the idea I could’ve dreamt the whole thing. The pain of the emptiness gutted me and stung my eyes. I blinked them repeatedly trying to find relief to no avail. The pain only increased until they flooded. Tears poured along my cheeks in large drops.
I found myself wishing for Marren. For his arms to wrap around me and to hear his voice tell me that day wasn’t a dream, we truly had been here, and it’s some enchantment that kept the flowers in perfect shape. The more I wished for that, the emptier I became. Finally, my legs gave out from under me. Falling to the ground, I landed on my knees, unable to hold myself up any longer. I wiped my nose on my sleeve and let the despair wash over me.
“Relena?” Marren’s voice floated to me full of worry, stilling my heart, waiting to beat again, if only it were he that spoke.
I lifted up slowly. Peering through thick bands of brown hair, I found Marren standing at the edge of the field watching me cry. His eyes were wide with alarm, and his mouth parted like he wanted to say something but was too afraid. I remembered what he said about knowing when I’m in immense emotional pain.
I sniffed. “Marren?”