Chapter Forty-five
Severine was in a pattern—running around in one big circle with no way to get out. Her feet didn’t step out of the boundaries once. As much as she liked to complain to herself, she didn’t plan on leaving, no matter how chaotic her cosmos were becoming.
Her feelings for Thayer were her guilt—a want that never seemed to be filled. Even when she went after what she wanted, she still ended up making mistakes.
She slammed the door harder than necessary and crossed the parking lot, toward the sidewalk. Her fingers rapped once against the door. Thayer opened it quickly. The door wasn’t even shut before Severine wrapped herself around him and kissed her pain away.
Thayer didn’t question. He took all her pain in and gathered it as his own. Reaching across the space, she laced their fingers together. They were getting to a point where kissing, and being together in the closest way possible, wasn’t enough.
Tightly, she kept her eyes shut and let his tongue in her mouth. Her confusion. Her guilt. Her pain. It stretched upward. Soon it’d consume her entire body.
Thayer pushed himself away and stared at her face. “Are you okay?”
“No,” Severine’s lips shook as she spoke. Her heart raced as she stared up at Thayer and told him the truth. “I just saw Macsen.”
His eyes narrowed slightly, but that was the only reaction he gave.
She didn’t want any miscommunication with him. Severine didn’t want a situation to cause them to drift apart. Thayer deserved the truth.
Thayer’s lips thinned slightly. “You need to tell me what’s really bothering you.” He waited for her to speak.
“I feel stupid for being here...after everything that happened. It’s like I’m repeating my past.”
His smile was sardonic. “You gathered that all from your conversation with Macsen?”
Severine stepped closer. “What am I doing here?” Her question was strained with so much confusion.
“Maybe you need a hideaway?”
Severine frowned. “You’re more than a hideaway.”
He said nothing in response and simply held out his hand. Something was hidden in his eyes. But Severine still took his hand and walked down the crammed hallway. Thayer walked in front of her and already things were starting to feel off balance.
When they entered his room he shut his bedroom door and turned to look at her. “What did Macsen say to really scare you?”
His hands reached down to take off his shoes. Severine watched him and leaned against the door. “He told me he saw how you looked at me.”
Thayer smiled down at the carpet. He dug through his back pocket and dumped his wallet onto his dresser. “That’s it?”
Severine shook her head and slowly took off her jacket. Her feet easily slid out of her ballet flats. “He said it drove you crazy that I didn’t notice.”
Thayer didn’t confirm or deny. He flicked open the snap of his watch and placed it alongside his wallet. His arms reached to his back and he dragged his shirt away from his body. He unbuttoned his jeans but paused when he realized Severine wasn’t moving. His brow lifted, and Severine kept looking at the strong V that disappeared under his jeans.
“That’s it?”
Severine jerked her gaze back to his eyes. There was no sound between them. Severine leaned down slightly. Her eyes stayed connected with Thayer’s as she slid off her black tights. Her body didn’t seem to be her own. Thayer watched her skin come into sight. It was his entity. “He said that I talked to him first...that I loved him first.”
Something seemed final about this moment. Her fingers hesitated on the zipper of her dress. It was the way Thayer stared at her with determination that made Severine for the first time, nervous.
He came upon her slowly. He only stopped when Severine’s shoulder blades touched the wall behind her. When his hands grasped her shoulders, he clutched the fabric of her dress and guided it away from her skin. His face showed everything. After this, absolution wouldn’t be given. “Is it true?”
His arms were a cage. She was the gilded bird that was trying to think fast—fast enough to get away from his enclosure. Her hands reached out to touch the firm muscles above his hip. He gripped her hands before they could make contact with his skin. “I had a glimpse of you before him,” Severine slowly confirmed.
In between them, her hands were still held by his. She felt bound together by a piece of rope with no way to become free. “I recognized things about you that I didn’t want to. I saw too much, and that’s why I went for Macsen.”
“But you’re here with me.” His hands reached up and looped underneath her bra straps. He pulled them down and Severine let him. “You’re in front of me to touch.” One hand tightly clasped her wrists together, the other trailed from her stomach to her breast. When Thayer claimed, it became his property. No matter what it was. It hurt to admit that her body was starting to recognize him as its dominion. “Are you mine, Severine?”
It was first instinct to pull away. That option was impossible. “I’m not going to answer that.”
He kissed her neck and gave it a quick nip. Severine jumped at the contact. “Too much to ask?”
She knew the answer, Severine just wasn’t going to give it to him. “No.”
“I could take you right here.”
Her anger rose at his cocky demeanor. He was trying to show her he had the power. Severine jerked back, but that only seemed to make Thayer hang on tighter. “Don’t push me, Thayer,” she warned.
“I’ll take you right here,” Thayer repeated again. This time, his fingers dipped into her panties.
Severine’s eyes briefly closed. When he took her over, her eyes opened back up wildly. He stared down at her with a confident smile. “What are you trying to prove, Thayer?”
He lifted her higher against the wall. It only took one quick movement of his hips and he was in her.
The hand holding her wrists roughly guided them above her head and to the wall. Severine’s breath was coming out faster. “When you leave here, I want everything to be obvious. If these walls around us are going to speak, they’re going to shout out that you’re mine.”
“Is...this about possession?” Her head slammed against the wall as he moved inside her.
His free hand gripped her hip tightly, and guided her away from his body, and back again. “We can’t go back from this, Severine.”
She itched to wrap her arms around him. Her hands jerked, and he put more pressure on her wrists. “You don’t own me.”
“I think it’s too late to say that,” Thayer smirked and moved a finger up and down the curve of her waist. “Look at your skin. It’s already branded with my name.”
Her body was a traitor. It moved against him, agreeing with every surge and movement from him. “Are you mine?”
Severine heard him. She was choosing to ignore him. Thayer pushed her hips up and pulled her back down slowly. “Answer me.”
“Yes!” The pressure was becoming too much.
“Yes, what?”
“I’m yours!”
“See, I don’t think you want to be in control,” Thayer groaned out. “I think you were wanting someone to test you in every way.”
Severine tried to tilt her hips, anything to prove that he was wrong. All he did was smirk at her attempt. “Who’s in control here, Severine?”
“You...” It pained her to say it. “And me.”
“No.” Thayer’s clash of opinion was instantly spoken. “Who’s the only one that possesses you?”
Severine’s head fell back. Her fingers were clenched tightly against his grasp, as he squeezed back. At this point, she’d say anything. It was hard to feel atonement when she felt this good. She moved her head to look down at Thayer. When she shifted her hips, his knees almost buckled.
“If I’m going down, I want you to say the truth.” The grip on her hands was starting to become painful. Severine realized he was desperate for the truth.
“The truth?” Severine gasped out. Her heart dropped down to her stomach as her mouth opened up. It warned her to keep the gut wrenching truth to herself. She shifted her hips again, and she watched his face go slack. Some women forgot the power they could hold over a man. Every woman possessed it. Some were just too afraid to use it. Severine wasn’t.
“F*ck.” He stumbled back. Severine smirked at his loss of control.
His back landed on the bed. Severine stayed on top. His jeans abraded against her legs but she kept moving. Her fingers landed on his stomach and she knew if she pulled away, there’d be marks on his skin.
Something similar to a groan slipped out of his mouth. And in the position she was in, Severine watched him.
His eyes widened and he said the one thing she never expected, “I love you!”
Her heart kept beating wildly as she tried to slow her movements. His hands slammed tightly against her hips. Their breathing came out in gasps together. His stomach muscles clenched as his movements became quicker and quicker. When she came, he trailed after her.
Her body collapsed against his, and her breathing came out in uneven pants.
His words were still being whispered in her ear.
* * * * *
Severine guided her feet into her black tights and stared down at her body. Her muscles quivered and her heart hammered in her chest. It gasped with each breath that it wanted more of Thayer. She rubbed a hand where her heart laid. No longer could she say it was her own.
“My parents will be here tonight.”
Severine froze while putting on her jacket and glanced at Thayer. “Are they here for your game?”
His shirt covered his head. It straightened down his torso, and his face was back in view. “Yeah.”
“When are they getting in?”
“Soon.”
Severine wanted to see them, but she had already been here too long. Already she could picture Macsen walking through the door and ruining the moment. She walked out into the hall as she spoke. “I better get out of here.”
“You’re still hiding from him.”
Severine turned, and he was behind her. “Because the three of us together in the same room would be weird!”
“If you let him get in the way.”
“We try to make it work...” Severine stared at her hands before she spoke. “He’ll always hover above us. That can’t go away.”
He processed her words, and it slowly sunk in. If she expected him to lie down and retreat, she had the wrong Sloan brother.
He was Thayer. She expected a battle. “If you want him there. If you allow him to.”
“He always will be!”
“Because you want him to be. You’re f*cking scared,” Thayer accused.
“Of what?”
“I don’t know. Tell me. Tell me and I’ll help.” He cornered her, crept into her personal space like no other. “What terrifies you so much?”
For once, she was honest. “This.” Severine pointed between the two of them. “Us—terrifies me.”
She knew with certainty how she wanted her heart handled from now on.
“Why? Because it’s a challenge? Because it’s not easy?”
She pounced on his words. “You’re right! Everything was easy with him!”
“He didn’t challenge you! Macsen was there, but he never consumed you!” Severine opened her mouth, and Thayer quickly cut her off. “Don’t tell me it was different than what I just said.”
“It’s not supposed to be this way!” Severine screamed. None of it was. The sneaking around, the fear of getting hurt...
“What do I know? I’ve only loved you!” Thayer shouted back. Everything in his expression showed his panic. He didn’t want to admit it, just as Severine didn’t. He paced around the living room before finally choosing to stand in front of her. “Severine, don’t you get it? Everything should be mad between us.” She wanted to seize back his words, but he kept talking. His words advanced on her and wouldn’t let her breathe. “Everything we do together is f*cking phenomenal!”
Severine didn’t have to wonder. Every single moment with him was stuck in her brain. All the barbs thrown back and forth, his smile, how he kissed her. He was right. Together they were phenomenal.
The balance of their relationship was shifting into something Severine couldn’t control. She didn’t want to run. She wanted to fight. Thayer was worth it. That thought scared her the most.
A minute passed with no words between them. Tears gathered in her eyes as Thayer shook his head over her silence.
“You’re going to say nothing,” he accused.
What they had together was beyond Severine. She couldn’t say if it was love. Maybe compassion, anger, lust, captivated trust.
She trusted him.
Severine’s heart was willing to trust again.
Inside her world, that wasn’t enough. Her heart was a sacred place.
“Just give me time,” Severine pleaded.
“Give me eternity.”
Severine backed away. “I don’t kn-”
“Say you love me. Give me eternity, and I’ll give you all the time you need.”
“We’re gonna break,” Severine’s voice cracked.
“Then make all of this go away!” Thayer shouted. It was loud, an outcry of pain. Severine flinched. He rubbed a hand over his face, a face that looked tortured. “Get the f*ck out if you’re done!”
Severine stood firm. They both knew the truth.
He finally looked at her and gripped his hair tightly in his hands. “Just go,” he bellowed.
Her head moved back and forth. Where was all her quick wit now? She had no coherent thought. Nothing she was thinking could slip out of her mouth and be said right. It was all a mess.
Thayer rushed toward her and gripped her arms painfully. She stood her ground, and kept her eyes rooted in spot, staring at him boldly.
“You know you can’t walk away. I got closer than you ever wanted!”
Severine pushed back, but he stayed in place. “You’re not letting me think!”
“Come on!” Thayer taunted. She snapped her head up to look at him. He pushed away the hair that was tangled in her eyes. “Lay me down if you’re finished! If you can walk away, then go!”
He provoked. He pushed. He stalked until it became too much. “I can’t. I love you!” Severine screamed before she could think the words through.
Her breathing came out in gasps. She wanted to wrap her arms around her body, huddle close within herself—away from the pain she was feeling. Thayer’s grip became gentle, and she looked up at him with confusion. “This is painful! You and me together scares me! Everything between us is passionate. How do we know if this is really true?”
“You’re looking for something you already have.”
Severine nodded and held onto his arms. The cards that had been dealt to her weren’t expected. The harsh realities of the world would never be a welcoming experience.
“I don’t want us closed.”
“I don’t want that either. I-” Her head jerked to the door when she heard voices. Sooner than later, she’d have to face Macsen with Thayer next to her. Sooner than later, he’d have to see what was reality and what could’ve been.
In the doorway stood Jayni and Owen. It should’ve been a time for Thayer and Severine to greet them. But to the side stood Macsen. The expression on his face was impossible to translate.
Jayni stepped forward with a nervous glance between Thayer and Macsen. “Severine. It’s great to see you again.”
Severine nodded and accepted the hug. Behind Jayni’s back, her eyes pleaded to Thayer, for him to get her out of here. She returned the hug with complete distraction. When Jayni pulled away, Severine smiled apologetically. “I should get going. Let you guys have some family time.”
Her breath felt shallow, as she looked everywhere else but at Thayer and Macsen. She had to leave. Now. Slowly, she retreated toward the door that was becoming higher ground compared to the reality in front of her. It was all starting to sink.
Macsen stepped away from the wall. With his arms crossed, he stood next to Thayer. It was the closest Severine had ever seen them together. “Dad, Jayni. I never had the chance to introduce you to my ex.” He swept a hand in Severine’s direction. It was a spotlight no one would crave. “This is Severine…the bitch that has tortured my every thought since I met her!”
Severine’s back stiffened. It wasn’t his words. She could take the word bitch. Most times she could hold that title above her head like a trophy. Her strength was something to covet. When it came from Macsen’s mouth, it was pronounced in the lowest form. It felt vile. It transformed him into a person Severine didn’t know.
Thayer shifted to look at Severine. It only took one glance for him to see her anger and pain. He turned away and rushed at Macsen. Disorder erupted as Thayer tackled Macsen to the ground.
Severine stood back with Jayni. A paroxysm of feelings swirled in her veins. Her pain wasn’t small; it spread from her heart and numbed her body. Words only went so far. A simple reaction said enough to leave most people satisfied.
With a punch to Thayer’s stomach and a quick punch to Macsen’s face...Severine cringed with every movement they made.
“Owen!” Jayni yelled. “Get them off each other!”
Owen moved toward the two of them. Macsen slammed Thayer against the wall, and Owen stepped away.
She had to get away from this. Without her coat or keys, Severine walked to the door and promptly ran into Mathias. He stared at her with puzzlement and looked at the commotion behind her.
“Shit,” he mumbled. The luggage in his hands dropped. He gripped Severine’s shoulders and stared at her point blank. “Stay here. Family time is just starting.”
She followed Mathias with her gaze as he shouted out to his brothers. “Curtain’s closed! No one gives a f*ck about your problems.” He clutched Thayer by the shirt and dragged him away. Not once did Mathias glance over at Macsen.
Owen walked into the kitchen and came back out with a roll of paper towels. He threw a few at Macsen and chucked the rest at Mathias.
Macsen heaved out a heavy breath and leaned against the wall. “Finders, keepers, brother!” he taunted out darkly.
Thayer moved forward, and Mathias slammed him back against the wall. Mathias turned to finally look at Macsen. Strangers held more in their gaze than Mathias’s. And for a brief second, Macsen’s battered feelings came to the surface. Severine saw the guy she first smiled at months ago, the one she believed in. She hadn’t seen him in a while. After this, it was doubtful he would be found again.
He momentarily looked at Severine, but the contact did nothing for her. Not anymore.
“What the hell is going on?” Owen bellowed.
Macsen tried to smile. His cracked lip made it impossible. “Thayer wants my seconds.”
“Son of a bitch!” Mathias slapped a hand against his thigh and fixed him with glare. “Can you keep your mouth shut?”
Owen finally leveled his gaze on Macsen. His deep voice was clear. “Tell me again what’s going on. This time, explain without being a complete a*shole. If you say anything about,” his finger blindly reached behind him and pointed in Severine’s direction, “her, I’ll be the one to punch you. You’re my son, but you’re starting to piss me off now.”
In front of Severine was a battlefield. Her heart was drumming to a beat she had never heard. Jayni ran a hand down Severine’s arm and patted her shoulder. The arguing erupted in front of her.
Severine didn’t want this. It may get better for their family, but that window for Severine seemed to have slammed shut.
Her legs backed up, and Macsen’s head shot up quickly. “Stay, Sev!” He sat on the floor, still bleeding, and even battered, he had the ability to wound her. None of this was supposed to happen. “Everyone in my life that’s f*cked me over is here. Let’s all sit and talk!”
“Macsen-” Owen gruffly spoke out.
“Wow! Dad speaks. He has a voice!” Macsen laughed, and it was dark. A chill swept through Severine as she stared down at him. Everything before this moment had been an illusion. An illusion of what she thought she knew to be the truth. The reality was in front of her. It yelled out that this family feud went much deeper than sibling wars. Macsen kept his gaze on her face, and pointed directly at her chest, right where her heart laid. “You want the beginning? Let’s go back to the day I met you, Severine!”
“I’m not doing this here.”
“I count the times you walk away. You want to know the truth about everything? Then sit.”
Severine’s animosity rose for him with each word he spoke. A part of her wanted to pummel him with punches for the pain he’d given her. “You want to hash things out in front of your family? Do you really want to do that?” Severine stepped closer. “Tell them you cheated on me with someone else. Tell them all of it, Macsen!”
He leaned his head against the wall, with his eyes in slits, and he looked her over. “Is it any better than you f*cking my brother weeks after you left me? And what’s worse is you did it behind everyone’s back. Who’s next, Severine? Hmm? Maybe Mathias?”
His words put the pressure on the trigger. Her anger exploded out of her. She looped around Jayni and went for any part of his body. All she could connect with was his arm—Thayer snatched her back from doing anything else.
Pain was always brought out during the worst of times. Anger sometimes followed. It was the truth that came and snatched it all away. When the truth arrived, the damage would always be far worse. “You never gave me anything!” Severine yelled.
Macsen stood up slowly. His hand reached out, and Severine swore he was in pain. “I gave you everything I possibly could!”
“You’re too chicken shit to say the truth about anything! You hide behind it and use it as a f*cking excuse!”
“You were with me, but were you ever? I was dragged along while you and my brother snuck looks at each other. So who’s the chicken shit? Me or you?”
“That is enough!” Jayni yelled. Her cheeks were flushed, and her pulse pounded against her neck. Severine blinked a few times before she realized that Jayni was there. Macsen and Severine still had a crowd around them.
Everyone paused long enough to look in her direction. Everyone but Macsen. He snorted and kept speaking. “It’ll never be enough until Severine has her truth!”
Mathias rubbed his face and groaned. “Shit. Just stop talking.”
Macsen gave Mathias the finger and walked toward the broken kitchen table. His hands wobbled as they grasped a chair that was still intact. “My life became a disaster the minute my mom asked me to testify against Dad during a custody battle.”
Everyone stopped speaking.
Severine’s eyes widened as he continued. “I lied for her. I was eight years old and believed everything that came out of her mouth. I lied and said my dad had abused me.”
Severine’s heart dropped to her stomach at his revelation. There was no manipulation in his eyes, just pain. She stepped forward and stood on the opposite side of the table.
“I thought I could keep you without me ruining us. But I f*cked even that up. Maybe there is nothing inside of me but a big hole. Maybe I have no soul. Maybe I’m a different breed. My life has been filled with mistakes, and I thought if I kept you away from it, you’d never see that part of me.” A single tear fell down his cheek, and Severine’s own sadness chased after it. “Everything’s better without the truth. Are you happy now?”
“No,” Thayer said as he stepped forward, “don’t put that on her.”
Macsen breathed harshly through his nose. “Don’t give her the truth?”
“We hated each other way before she came along.”
“Do you ever wonder what we saw in you, Sev?”
She did. Every single day. “No,” Severine lied.
“You’re a f*cking liar,” Macsen accused. He knew her well enough to see through her poker face and call her bluff. Both brothers did.
“You were so f*cking carefree,” Macsen explained. Severine swallowed loudly as he continued. “But you had so much fire in you. After a while, I saw what Thayer saw: a girl that could cut a person down with a look and build them right back up with a smile. I swear on everything that I believed that you wouldn’t get to me. I could’ve guaranteed that your smiles wouldn’t make me feel like I could alter all my past f*ck-ups and make it better...I tried so f*cking hard with you, Severine.”