He didn’t answer right away and she figured she hadn’t given him enough information, but really, what was she supposed to say? That she wanted to be really, really good at pleasing him and he obviously liked her mouth on him?
“I didn’t want you to panic when you couldn’t breathe, baby. You have to learn to breathe through your nose and even then, when I’m deep, if you don’t relax and trust me, you might still think you’re going to choke, or strangle. First, I wouldn’t let that happen, and second, you’re learning. I don’t want anything we do to frighten you.”
His voice was matter-of-fact. They could have been discussing the weather.
“Once I learned to read, I found a few how-to books about sex,” she admitted, because he made it easy to talk to him about anything. “I didn’t dare go online and look at anything because he always had me watched on the computer and he checked my history and everything else. I knew he tracked the keystrokes on my computer so I used his. He never knew.” She said it rather smugly. She felt smug about that.
He flashed a grin at her. “You outsmarted him.”
“Yes.”
“You read about sex in a book?”
“I was afraid Rafe might want that from me at some point. He’d begun coming into my bedroom some nights and just watching me. I actually went so far as to eavesdrop on some of the girlfriends of Rafe’s closest soldiers when they were talking about things they’d done with their men.”
Eli groaned softly. He stroked a caress down her hair. “Kitten. Really.”
She blushed for no reason. “You’ve given me more instruction and experience in twenty-four hours than I read in all three books or heard about in a very graphic and rather drunken conversation.”
“I want sex to be good for you. Every time. Whether it’s rough or gentle or I’m making you beg, I want it always to be off the charts for you. I’ll teach you the things you need to know and if you have questions, just ask. If there’s something you don’t like, tell me. We’ll talk it through. If there’s something you want, you tell me and it’s yours.”
She pressed her lips together. She had made up her mind a long time ago that she would be as honest as possible. She was good at deception – at least she thought she was – but she didn’t like it. She wanted to be the kind of person who dealt with something and then it was over. And she wanted honesty. Still, Eli was very blunt when it came to sex. She didn’t like that she didn’t know very much. She didn’t even know if it was good for him.
“What is it, baby?” he asked gently, his hand curling around the nape of her neck, his fingers moving into the muscles there. “One of the things I admire most about you is the way you just ask me questions or answer when I ask you. Don’t be embarrassed. You don’t ever have to be embarrassed with me.”
She took a deep breath. “You say that it isn’t just my leopard making me so crazy when it comes to sex. I can’t stop. I can’t control myself when it happens. I don’t understand that. I’ve never been like that in my life. I’ve never even wanted another man, but with you, I have to have my hands and my mouth on you. I can’t wait for you to touch me. It doesn’t make sense because I still don’t even know if I like you. I don’t trust you. If it’s me and not just her, why didn’t I know this about myself before?”
“Cat, you can tell that I’m experienced. I know women and I know what they like or need. In case you haven’t been paying attention, I like control. I like my world the way I want it. I need sex often and a certain way. I knew the moment I laid eyes on you that you’d be compatible with me. Even my leopard recognized it and that was before your female made an appearance. If you weren’t capable of matching me in bed, of being what I need you to be, I never would have touched you.”
She frowned, trying to deny to herself that she liked sex with him. That was insanity. She loved sex with him. She liked the way he took command. She liked how rough he could be and how absolutely caring he was afterward. Mostly she loved how he could make her body go up in flames. She hadn’t known it could be like that.
Catarina bit down on her lip. There was something to what he was saying. She couldn’t hide from the fact that even now, and she didn’t feel her leopard close, erotic images played through her mind.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Eli,” she admitted. “You do make it good for me, but I don’t want sex to be all about me. I need to know that it’s good for you too.”
She was so confused. She didn’t even know why she cared whether the sex was good for him too. She was just using him, right? She didn’t have a clue what she was doing or even why, but his answer mattered to her.
There was silence. Her heart pounded.
“Cat. Look at me. Right now. Look at me.”