Becoming Sarah

chapter FIFTEEN


But I didn’t feel anything, even after we moved on to another bar. I was almost disappointed, until I started twisting a lock of my hair around my finger and noticed how very, very soft it was. Had it always been so soft? And Liza and Aurelie looked gorgeous tonight. They were such good friends. I really, really loved them.

I told them this. Aurelie laughed. “Nice, huh?”

“Oh, is this the pill?” The lights were so pretty. I loved everyone in the bar, especially the surfer guy I’d just met, Andrew. He had brown hair bleached at the tips and the softest, sweetest brown eyes I’d ever seen. Sleepy eyes. Sexy eyes.

“So, like, how about we get out of here?” Andrew said, stroking my arm. His touch felt incredible, like he was stimulating every nerve ending in my body. I was sure no one had ever touched me like this before.

“I don’t know –“

“Go ahead, go.” Liza and Aurelie pushed me toward the door, giggling. “Have fun, Sarah.”

We took a cab to my apartment. On the way, Andrew kissed me. His lips on my neck sent chills down my spine. I was melting into a gooey puddle. God, I wanted him. After Nick, I’d promised myself – but what was the big deal? I was an adult now. Adults did things like this all the time. Besides, Andrew was adorable. He didn’t talk much, and when he did it was to say things like, “Dude, there sure are a lot of stars out tonight,” but hey, nobody was perfect.

We went upstairs. Andrew urged me toward the bedroom. Was this really happening? I didn’t want him to stop, but at the same time I felt vaguely uneasy. I pushed him away. “I need some water.”

I stumbled to the kitchen, pulled a bottle of Evian from the fridge, and drank half of it in one gulp. Andrew followed me into the kitchen. His hands were everywhere. With regret, I gently pried his fingers off my body.

“Look, Andrew, I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

“Whoa, dude, did I do something wrong?”

“No, it’s not you. I just can’t.”

He shrugged. “Hey, no problem. It’s cool.”

Relieved that he wasn’t angry, I called him a cab and escorted him downstairs. On the steps of my building, I let him give me his phone number and kiss me one more time.

When he broke away, I looked up to see Matt heading past us on his way inside. “Hi, Sarah,” he said, but not with his usual warm tone of voice.

“Hi,” I said weakly. I’d run into him a couple of times in the past two weeks, but the last time we’d really talked I’d told him I couldn’t go out with him because I was with Nick. Now here I was kissing some total stranger.

I said goodbye to Andrew and caught up with Matt on the stairs. “Look, that wasn’t what you’re thinking.”

“It’s n-none of my business anyway.”

“But I feel like I should explain –“

“No need.” We were at his door now.

For some reason, I didn’t want to say goodnight. I put my hand on his shoulder and gave him what I hoped was a seductive look. “Matt, come on. It was nothing. Hey, want to come up? I really don’t feel like being alone right now.”

He gave me a long, hard look as he let himself into his apartment. “Thanks, but no thanks. Maybe you should just go sleep it off.”

I tried to play innocent. “Sleep what off?”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m not stupid, Sarah. Good night.”

He shut the door. I went upstairs, alone. I wished Matt hadn’t come home just then. I wished I'd gone to dinner with him that day two weeks ago. I wished he would look at me again like he had before -- admiringly, as if he saw something in me he liked.

The next day I really hit bottom. I’d never felt more alone and miserable in my life. I lay in bed and thought mostly about my mother, but also about Matt and how I'd screwed up the chance that we could even be friends. I'd really made a mess of things. To make matters worse, I'd finished the active pills in Sarah's birth control packet two days ago, which meant I should be starting my period. Or should have it started already, maybe.

I was just deciding I should go to the drugstore for a pregnancy test when there was a knock on my door. I jumped out of bed, pajamas and all. Matt? Who else wouldn't need me to buzz them in?

I opened the door. Nick smiled at me and offered up a small, flat, gift-wrapped box. "Hi, Sarah. This is for you."

"How did you get up here?" I demanded.

"Some girl was on her way out. She let me in."

"Oh." I stood there, torn between the urge to slam the door and the need to have someone, anyone, to talk to.

"Well? Are you going to let me in? Or at least take this." He thrust the box into my hands.

"What is it?"

He grinned. "Open it."

A bad idea, I know, but my curiosity got the better of me. I slid off the ribbon, tore into the wrapping paper, and eased open the box. A slender, jewel-studded bracelet sparkled against black velvet. I gasped. "Are those real diamonds?"

"Only the best for my princess."

He was smooth as silk, a real pro. Part of me recoiled at his oily insincerity. Even I could see it. But another part -- a weaker part -- wanted his pretty gift. I knew I should throw the bracelet in his face, but I hesitated.

He seized on the hesitation. "Let me put it on you."

His fingertips were cool on my wrist. He took his time fastening the clasp. His touch did something to me; without my permission, my body responded. Nick took a step inside, closing the space between us. The bracelet was on, but he wouldn't drop my wrist. He moved to kiss me. I didn't stop him.

Later, when we lay together on my bed, I wished I had. I felt even worse than I had before he'd come to my door. It wasn't just that he was married, though that was a part of it. Worse was that I'd betrayed myself. Nick wasn't a good person; knowing that, I'd still let him back into my life.

At least I had someone to share my worry. I rolled over to face Nick. "There's something I have to tell you."

"Yeah?"

"I -- I think I might be pregnant."

Nick reacted as if I'd tried to stab him. He jumped up and backed away from me, grabbing for his clothes. "You what? Weren't you being careful?"

"I guess I -- I missed a few pills."

"How could you be so stupid? Damn it!"

I clutched the sheet up around my chest. "It's your responsibility, too, not just mine! Besides, I said I might be. We need to get a test, you know, to find out for sure."

"We? I don't think so." He was pulling on his clothes, buttoning his shirt. "This is your problem. You take care of it."

"But -- but --"

"Besides, it's probably not even my kid. Who knows how many guys you've been with lately?"

"Oh!" I felt as if he'd slapped me. "How can you say that?"

"Come on, Sarah. We both know it's like a revolving door around here." He shoved his feet into his shoes. "You know what? You were right before. We’re over."

He stalked out of the bedroom. A minute later, I heard my front door slam. I sat in bed for a long time, listening for him to come back.

When he didn’t, I unhooked the bracelet he'd given me and dropped it back in the box.