Becoming Sarah

chapter FOURTEEN


I planned everything so carefully. I didn’t want her to slam the door on me, so I would wait until she came outside. I didn’t want her on the defensive immediately, so I needed to disguise myself. I needed to know what to say to her, word for word; I wrote it out and memorized it.

On the day I’d chosen, a Saturday, I picked an outfit Jamie would have worn: jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. I bought a wig for the occasion, a red one. I drove over to my mom’s apartment building and parked two blocks away. I sat in the car, literally shaking. My teeth chattered. My knees knocked against each other. This was it. My chance to get my old life back. I could have everything I had now, plus the people I loved.

I waited and watched until the lights went out in the apartment. A minute later my mother came down the front steps. She wore sweatpants and a sweater stretched down over her thighs. She carried her big black purse and pulled the little metal cart we used for heavy groceries.

She almost walked by without seeing me. I jumped out of the car and blocked her way. "Just listen a minute," I said, "and I'll leave you alone, I promise. But you have to hear me out. I'm Jamie. It's me, Mom, and I know how to convince you."

She tried to push by me, but I ran along next to her on the sidewalk. "I know Maria told you I'm some crazy person who just happened to know private stuff about her, from Jamie. But if you ask me questions only Jamie could answer, and I answer them, that proves who I am. Go ahead. Ask me anything."

My mother paused and turned to me. There were tears on her cheeks. "Why?" she asked quietly. "Why did this have to happen to my baby girl?"

It wasn't a question I expected. "I don't know -- I --"

She put her hand on my arm. "Honey, I wish you were my Jamie. Don't you think I wish it with all my heart? But you're not, you can't be."

"I am, I am." I was crying, and my carefully written speech had gone completely out of my head.

"You know what I think? I think you're a lonely girl, a troubled girl, and you're looking for someone to love you. I feel sorry for you." She took her hand away.

"Mom, please. Just ask me a question."

"And what would that prove? That you knew Jamie. That you're a good guesser." She shook her head. "No, I won't listen to you, honey. Because right now I want to believe anything, anything that might bring my daughter back."

"Give me a chance," I begged.

She started walking again. "Go away now, please."

"Mom, listen." I wracked my brain for the thing that would keep her talking. "Don't you want to know who did it? Who hurt me? I can tell you that."

She wouldn't look at me. "Go home, honey. Just go home."

"No, please, Mimi --" I used the old childhood nickname without thinking, a corruption of "Mama" and her first name, Miriam.

She turned sharply to stare. "What did you call me?"

"Mimi. Mimi. See, you do know me!"

I watched hope bloom and then die on her face, all in the space of a few seconds. She chewed at her bottom lip. "No. No, she could have told you that. Maria said you'd talk like this, that you'd know things."

"She's wrong. It's really me. Listen. You always sang to me: too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, too-ra-loo-ra-li. . . ."

My voice broke. Her expression was set now, her face turned away. "If you don't leave me be, the detective says I can get a restraining order,” she said.

And that, as they say, was that.

What could I do? I couldn’t hold her down and force her to believe me. I went home. I cried. I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk. I lay on the bed and cried some more, until I fell asleep.

I woke with a start, because I’d dreamed I couldn’t breathe. It was dark outside. Sarah’s iPhone was ringing. I shook my head to clear the cobwebs. The phone was in the pocket of my sweatshirt, hanging on a chair.

I rummaged for it. “Hello?”

“Bonsoir, darling. It’s Aurelie. Liza and I are coming by to pick you up.”

“Where are we going?’

“You’ll see. Be ready.” She hung up.

Why not go out? It would take my mind off my misery. I washed the tearstains from my face and put on some lipstick. I rummaged through the closet and chose a pair of red leather pants, tight as a second skin, and a halter top. Over that I threw on a long black coat. The items I'd tried on and discarded I left on the floor; the cleaning service would take care of the mess tomorrow.

My friends arrived and swept me off to a trendy bar in the Mission District: loud, crowded, and just the distraction I needed. Men were all over me in an instant. I flirted like crazy. Why shouldn’t I? I was beautiful. They all wanted me. The attention made me feel great.

“This is more like it,” Liza crowed, when I had a gaggle of guys in the bar practically panting for my attention. “You’ve been off your game lately, but this is the Sarah I know and love!”

Aurelie leaned over to whisper into my ear. “Speaking of love. . .look what I have for you. A little present.” She opened her palm to show me a tiny blue pill. “Go ahead, take it.”

I hesitated. “What is it?”

“Something that will make you feel good. It will help you loosen up.”

I’d never used drugs, though I’d had plenty of chances. In my old neighborhood there was a dealer on every corner. I’d promised my mom I wouldn’t, and besides, I was terrified to do anything that might screw up my chance to go to college. And I needed to go to college so I could make so much money I’d never have to worry again. But now – what did it matter? I’d already been to college, or at least Sarah had. It’s not like I’d be letting my mother down now. In her mind, I was dead.

With that thought came a surge of bitterness. How could a mother not know her own child? If I’d been twelve feet tall and purple, she should have known me. If I’d been badly burned and totally disfigured, she wouldn’t have turned me away. So why had she failed me now?

“If you don’t want it. . .” Aurelie said.

“I do.” I took the pill, slipped it between my lips, and gulped my drink. Anything to soothe away the pain and anger burning in my heart tonight.

“No more of this, then.” Aurelie grabbed my drink and ordered me a glass of ice water. “Just wait. You’ll love it.”