Her tension releases in a laugh. She smiles and squeezes my shoulder. “Let’s not go totally off the deep end, kiddo.”
I shrug off her hand. “Okay, so what if I don’t hurt him but he wishes for something that makes me lose him? Like being with Chelsea or some other rah-rah cheerleader?” Or me. What if he wishes for me? And what if granting that wish makes me lose Henry?
“He likes you,” my mother says. “Let’s also try not to invent problems, okay?”
I’m all out of reasons, but still I don’t want to grant Nate a wish because … because I just don’t. My pulse quickens, and I struggle to take my next breath. That’s not true. That’s not why. All of a sudden, my brain seizes on what my heart knew instantly.
My mother may be worried about my safety, but for me, the overarching reason why this sucks as much as it does is because it means my two worlds are colliding. The two worlds I was starting to think I could keep separate will become one. The part of me that could be normal Azra with Nate will vanish the moment I begin the wish-granting ritual. He won’t know it. But I will.
I’ll always know his deepest desire. And I’ll have to make it come true. Once I link with his anima, a part of him will always be with me. I’ll know him in a way he’ll never know me. But I’ll have to pretend I don’t.
I was wrong. Getting to lie to Nate isn’t better. I was delusional. Human attachments are indeed too hard. I will be exactly like my mother and Samara and every other Jinn.
So much for the liberation I thought the bronze bangle gave me. I’ve become a Jinn. A Jinn I will always be.
31
But do I have to be the Jinn that grants Nate a wish? Why not let me swap out Nate for another candidate?
When I ask my mother if she thinks this is possible, her olive-toned face goes pale.
“We don’t question the Afrit,” she says, setting down two cups of hot chocolate.
“Baa. Right. Because we are sheep. Drones. Worker bees. Mindless—”
“Please, Azra, don’t,” my mother says softly. “There are things you don’t know. The Afrit … they can do things.”
I tap my bronze bangle.
“Yes,” she says, “they can restrict your magic. And if you defy them, they can extract you from this life and force you to live months, years, a lifetime, alone. And not just alone, but terrifyingly alone.”
This I know. Which makes me scared of what I don’t know. “There’s a but, isn’t there?” My mother nods. “And I don’t want to hear it, do I?”
Another nod as my mother lifts her mug to her lips. “But you have to. Because what you don’t know is there are a few steps in between. Having to remove young Jinn from the human world is not in the Afrit’s best interest. They need you. They need you here to grant wishes. Extracting you is a last resort.”
“Oh, really?” My grin is automatic. “So I can push the envelope before they’ll slap real handcuffs on me?”
Her pained smile and the sadness in her gold eyes cause a tightness in my chest.
“You can.” She shifts her gaze away from me. “But there are consequences.”
“Like what? More years of granting wishes? More time on probation?” I flex my arm muscles. “I can take it.” I’m desperate to make light because of the darkness I feel coming.
“Sometimes, but they’ve found that’s not as effective as other methods of keeping Jinn in line.”
I blow on my hot chocolate. “What kinds of methods?”
“They … they use us against one another.” My mother pushes back her own mug. “If you were to continue to defy them, they won’t take you away from this world.” She now looks me in the eye. “They’ll take me. They’ll take me from you. From everyone.”
Stunned into silence, I struggle to absorb her words.
She squeezes my hand reassuringly, but her voice shakes as she says, “I’m the one they’d send to their little torture chamber. I’d never see you again, Azra. I’d never see Samara or Nadia or any of my other Zar sisters again.” Her eyes full of longing, she continues, “One day I’m supposed to be rewarded for following their rules—reunited with my loved ones who have been kept away from me, from us. But the truth is, before they’d do anything else to you, they’d make me pay for your crimes.”
I’m light-headed, and my throat is so tight, I’m having trouble swallowing. If I screw up, my mother will be punished, and I will never see her again. Never see her again. As many times as I’ve angrily hoped for such a thing since hitting puberty, I cannot wrap my head around the idea.
“But why?” I finally ask.
She wrings her hands, and her tone shifts to one of anger. “They’ll say it’s because I didn’t teach you properly. But it’s simply a way of controlling us. Forbidding contact between loved ones serves as a pretty damn good deterrent for acting out against the Afrit. They use fear to get what they want. Fear and the hope that our love for each other is stronger than our hatred of them.”
I lean forward in my chair. “But if they did that, if they … took you, it wouldn’t be. I’d despise them.”
“Well, I’m relieved to hear it, kiddo.” She smiles weakly. “Unfortunately, they’ve thought of that. So it doesn’t end with me. Once I’m gone, they’ll place you with one of my Zar sisters for retraining.”
My stomach drops. Yasmin’s staying with Samara. Does that mean…? No, Yasmin would have gotten a bronze bangle first, wouldn’t she?
My mother continues, “If you act out, that sister will be taken away, and you and her daughter—your own Zar sister—will move on to the next, and the next, and the next, until you’ve exhausted everyone. And as each sister is ripped away and thrown in tortura cavea, we all feel it. Our Zar connection means one sister’s living hell is felt by all.”
My body grows so cold, it’s like my blood has been replaced with ice. “Then I’d be taken?”
My mother shakes her head. “Not quite. There’s one more thing they can use against us.”