chapter 37
There was nothing, and then the pain came back, starting with the cracked bones in my toes and then crawling up my shattered calves and knees, licking over my pulverized pelvis in waves of white-hot, fiery pain. When the fire reached my head, I tried to scream, but my jaw wouldn’t unhinge. The scream tore through me still, silent but full of rage that tasted of the blood that pooled in my mouth.
Death… oh gods, I begged for death over and over in my mind. A relentless, steady stream to whatever god was listening to take this away, because the pain was splitting the seams of my sanity.
But the pain didn’t lessen. It burned. It remained. It continued to rot me from the inside until I willed my eyes open.
My vision didn’t focus as first. What I saw was a hazy blur of blue, but when my sight cleared, I didn’t understand what I was seeing.
Maybe I’d already gone insane.
I was staring at a sky—the brightest blue I’d ever seen. Like the deepest ocean water, untouched and pure. No sky was that color. And I’d been in the Dean’s office, where Ares… where he…
I couldn’t think of that. I couldn’t think of anything.
The air smelled of jasmine, like… like the pool in the Underworld, when I’d been with Aiden.
Aiden…
Oh gods, I didn’t know what’d happened to him, if Ares had hurt him or Marcus. I didn’t know where I was, or how I had gotten here. All I knew was pain. It was in every fiber of muscle, every splintered bone and burst vessel, but that… that wasn’t true. There was one thing that I did know.
The cord—the connection between Seth and me—it was gone.
There was no humming. No rage. No outside presence mingling with mine. Oh gods, I was nothing now but pain.
“Alexandria.”
I didn’t realize my eyes were closed again until I forced them to reopen at the sound of the vaguely familiar voice. At first, I didn’t see him, or anything other than that beautiful, unreal sky.
A shadow fell over me and then a form appeared, blocking out the sky. Seconds later, the man pieced together. Tall and broad and a head full of honey-colored hair, the man had the face of an angel.
Oh for the love of gods, I couldn’t catch a freaking break.
Thanatos.
The god’s lips tipped up a little on one side, as if he knew what I was thinking, and I wondered then if I was actually dead, if someone had lied about the whole Apollyon-death thing, because I was staring at the god of peaceful death.
Then again, my death, if that was what this really was, had been anything but peaceful. Had he come to answer my prayers? To take this pain away?
Easing down, Thanatos tipped his head to the side as he leaned over me. “Can you hear me?”
I tried to open my mouth but couldn’t.
“Blink if you can,” he said with surprising gentleness.
I blinked.
“We may have been foes in the past, but I am not here to harm you now. I’m watching over you until Apollo can return with his son, Asclepius.”
Apollo? His son? Confusion swamped me and I dragged in a deeper breath I immediately regretted. Pain arced across my chest.
Thanatos moved to place his hand on my forehead, but stopped short. “It’s okay. You’re in Olympus.”
Olympus? How in the world was that okay?
“Well, just outside of Olympus, if you want to get technical.” He glanced over his shoulder, sighing softly. “What you did by standing up to Ares? Not many would—no mortal, demigod and surely not even the Apollyon. You could’ve submitted to him. You would’ve saved yourself so much pain.”
Thanatos leaned in close, focusing on me with white eyes that held no pupils or irises. “You held your ground, and I can respect that. I can also admire that.”
Maybe, if it didn’t feel like my body had been shattered into a million pieces, I could really appreciate that statement. The jasmine-scented air stirred, and two more shadows fell over the spot where I lay… in the grass, I realized dumbly. My entire back felt wet and I wasn’t hopeful enough to think that it was dew instead of my own blood… or someone else’s. No. It couldn’t be someone else’s, because that would mean that Aiden or Marcus…
Apollo came into focus, and instead of showing off those creepy god peepers, he stared down at me with eyes that matched the sky over his shoulder. A small, almost-sad smile tugged at his lips, which I found so strange since it was rare that Apollo showed any real emotion.
“There was no way I could heal you in the mortal realm. The damage is too extensive,” he said, and for the first time, he cut right to the chase. “I had to bring you here, as close to Olympus as possible. All the aether surrounding my home will help Asclepius.”
I wanted to ask about Aiden and Marcus, but when I finally managed to open my mouth, only the smallest whimper leaked out.
“Don’t try to talk,” Apollo said. He leaned back, making room for another god. “My son is going to heal you.” A wry grin twisted his lips. “And I know if you could, you’d say something like ‘how many kids do you have?’ and my answer would be ‘many’.”
Yeah, I was kind of curious, and I also wondered if it meant that Asclepius was related to me, but what I really wanted to know was what had happened to Aiden and Marcus.
Asclepius took the place of Thanatos. This god barely resembled Apollo. A full beard covered his face, making it difficult to gauge his age, but the fine lines spreading out from the corners of his white eyes made him look much older than his father. My eyes moved to Apollo, and I was comforted to find that he was still there. He hadn’t left me with Thanatos and a stranger.
Finally, Apollo took pity on me. “The last I saw of Aiden and Marcus, they were fine. But I haven’t been back since I brought you here.”
I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. It wasn’t a hundred percent confirmation that they were okay, but it was something that I could hold onto.
“Do you know the story of my son?” Apollo asked.
When I did nothing, Asclepius laughed. “He loves to tell this story.”
“His mortal mother died during childbirth, and while she was on the funeral pyre, I cut him from the womb.” As Apollo spoke, his son eyed the numerous injuries with a mixed look of disgust and challenge. “I gave him to the centaur Chiron, who raised him in the art of medicine. Of course, having my genes, he already had a knack for healing.”
Of course.
“But my sister had asked Asclepius to bring Hippolytus back to life, and between Hades being pissed off about that, and Aphrodite’s whining, Zeus killed my son with a thunderbolt.” A muscle popped out in Apollo’s jaw. “So I killed Cyclopes, ensuring that Zeus would have no more thunderbolts.”
Oookay…
“I ended up banned from Olympus for a year,” Apollo continued blithely, “but in the end, Zeus resurrected my son to ensure there would be no future feuds with me.” He paused. “You’re wondering what the moral of this story is? I always find a way to take care of my own.”
Before I could process what that meant, his son placed his hands on my chest. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have been thrilled with the idea of being felt up, but incredible warmth swept through me. From the tips of my aching toes to the top of my fractured skull, dizzying, wonderful warmth invaded every pore.
The god closed his eyes. “This may sting.”
What? No, I wanted to scream, because I couldn’t take anymore, but then the warmth blistered my skin and I did scream.
Fire raged through me, spreading out of control and searing every cell. My broken body reared off the ground.
Asclepius’ face blurred into a severe frown. “There’s something else here….”
For the second time in however many minutes, I was pulled into the void, lost in a black sea of nothingness.
When I opened my eyes, my vision was clear and I’d been moved into a circular chamber with marble walls. Birds shrilled in a soft, lyrical verse from somewhere outside the room. Atable sat in the middle of a raised dais. Resting atop the table was a pitcher full of honey-colored liquid. Heavy, scented air flowed through a small opening in the wall, stirring the white canopy hanging from the posts at the foot of the bed I rested in.
Abed? Obviously it was a step up from lying in grass, but confusion pinged at me. I pushed up onto my elbows and winced as an ache rolled through my entire body.
I’d been healed, but…
Memories pieced back together, of Thanatos, Apollo and his son.
Holy crap, I was in—or near—Olympus.
Never in my life did I think I’d breathe the aether-enriched air of the gods, but here I was. A low hum of excitement trilled in my veins. I wanted to race off the bed and investigate. Olympus was rumored to be the most beautiful place in existence, even more so than the Elysian Fields. Creatures of myths roamed freely here, and plants that no longer flourished in the mortal realm grew to staggering heights in Olympus. This was a once-in-a-life…
The excitement gave way to unrest. I wasn’t here for sightseeing. It wasn’t like I was on vacation and Apollo would pop in and give me a tour along with keepsake mouse ears. This wasn’t Disney World, and I was here because Ares…
In the back of my mind, and in the center of my very being, there was a dark and ugly thing that had been born and taken root, a distinct coldness that no amount of warm air could quell. My thoughts swung to Ares and my heart turned heavy. Raw terror formed in the back of my throat, tasting like bile.
But, oh gods, it wasn’t just Ares, or the thought of facing him again. It was the pain that had festered and rotted me, the pain that had shattered me into pieces and caused me to beg for release—for death. Even though I had never spoken the words aloud, I knew that Ares had felt it. It had been in my eyes; my very soul had been laid bare.
Ares knew.
Seth knew.
Shame and something dark rose inside me, twisting and choking like a vile weed.
I’d begged for death.
Me. Alex. The all-powerful Apollyon. The girl who got knocked down only to jump back up and ask for more. I’d been training to be a Sentinel, a warrior bred to disregard fear. I’d known pain before this, both physically and mentally. I’d even come to expect it.
But Ares had broken me wide open.
A raw vulnerability inched through me. Feeling sick, I tugged the soft blanket up to my chest. Gods, I felt… I felt like a poser in my own skin. What would Aiden think if he found out? He would never have begged or given up like I had—oh gods, what if Aiden really wasn’t okay? What if Apollo had lied?
I started to throw the blanket off, but stopped. Indecision smacked into me. What was I doing? Where was I going to go to demand answers? My hand tightened around the blanket until I thought I was going to undo Asclepius’ hard work.
I couldn’t move.
I was frozen by… by what? Fear. Distress. Shame. Confusion. Anxiety. A hundred or so emotions whirled through me like an F-5 tornado. My breath sawed in and out painfully. Pressure blossomed out of nowhere, clamping down on my still-tender chest. This was worse than how I’d felt after Gatlinburg, magnified by a million.
I couldn’t breathe.
Images of the fight in the dean’s office flipped through my head like a twisted photo album. The maneuvers that always had been too late. The kicks and punches that’d never landed. Being picked up and thrown like I was nothing more than a sack of rice. The breaking of my spine and every bone thereafter and then the knife…
The sound of Aiden and Marcus banging on the doors, desperately trying to get in, haunted me. So many memories of Ares owning my ass kept on coming in a continuous onslaught of how-not-impressive-I-really-was. How could I’ve thought I could stand against Ares—the god of war? How could any of us?
And I’d begged for death.
I couldn’t breathe.
The pressure constricted my chest again and I let go of the blanket, pressing my hand to my clammy skin. I stumbled out of the bed, falling on the chilled granite knees-first, and then I pressed my forehead to it. The cool floor seemed to help, like the night I’d been slipped the Brew.
I don’t know how long I stayed like that—minutes or hours—but the floor had this wonderful grounding ability. A bone-deep exhaustion set in, the kind a warrior felt at the end of the final battle, when he was ready to turn in his sword and fade into eternity.
Somewhere in the room, a door opened, scraping against marble. I didn’t lift my head or try to sit up, and I knew how I looked to whomever was in the room—like a dog cowering in the corner. That was me.
“Lexie?”
My heart stopped.
“Lexie? Oh my gods, baby.”
I was frozen again, too afraid to look and discover that the voice didn’t really belong to my mom, that it was some kind of messed-up illusion. A different kind of pressure fisted in my chest. Fragile hope swelled.
Warm arms surrounded me in a gentle, painfully familiar embrace. Inhaling a ragged breath, I caught her scent—her scent. Vanilla.
Lifting my head, I peered through the strands of hair and lost my breath, along with any ability to form a coherent thought.
“Mom?”
She smiled, sliding her hands up to my cheeks. It was her—the oval face and complexion slightly darker than mine, lips spread in a wide smile and eyes the color of the brightest green. She looked like she had the last time I’d seen her in Miami, the night before the daimon attack that had changed her into an aether-addicted monster, before I had killed her.
That fist squeezed down until I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, and couldn’t see anything other than her.
“Baby, it’s me, it’s really me.” Her voice was as I remembered—soft and melodious. “I’m here.”
I stared at her until her beautiful face began to swim. Part of me couldn’t allow myself to accept this—this gift—because, if it wasn’t real, it would be too cruel. The spirits guarding the gates to the Underworld had almost fooled me.
But her hands were warm and her eyes were full of tears. It smelled like her and sounded like her. Even the dark hair fell in waves past her shoulders the way they had before.
Then she came to her knees and leaned forward, pressing her forehead against mine. Her voice was tight with tears. “Do you remember what I said to you that night?”
I struggled to get the words out. “That you loved me?”
“Yes.” Her smile was watery. “I told you that, with or without purpose, you were a very special girl.”
Oh gods…
“And you told me that, as your mother I was obligated to tell you that.” She laughed and it seemed to catch in her throat. “Even I didn’t know how special you truly were.”
It was her—really her.
Clamoring forward, I threw my arms around her, nearly knocking her backward. With a soft laugh, she enveloped me in a strong hug—the hug I’d been missing and needing for so long. Mom gave the best hugs ever.
She squeezed me tight, and I clung to her while she smoothed my hair back with one hand. Tears burned the back of my throat and welled in my eyes. Emotion poured into my chest until it felt like my heart would explode. I’d been waiting for this moment for what felt like forever, and I never wanted to let her go.
“How is this possible?” My voice was hoarse and muffled. “I don’t understand.”
“Apollo thought it would be good for you after what happened.” She pulled back a little. Tears glistened in her eyes, and I hated that. “He called in a favor with Hades.”
Apollo must have a lot of favors at his disposal.
“I’ve missed you so much.” She placed her hand to my cheek and smiled. “And I wish I could’ve been there for you when you lost Caleb and faced the Council. I wish for that more than anything else.”
A red-hot lump filled my throat. “I know. Mom, I’m… I’m so sorry. I—”
“No, baby, don’t you dare apologize for anything that happened to me. None of it was your fault.”
But it was my fault. Sure, I didn’t turn her into a daimon, but we’d left the safety of Deity Island because of what I would become. She sacrificed everything—her life—for me, and I’d still connected to Seth when I had Awakened, spurring horrific, catastrophic events across the globe as the gods retaliated. How was that not my fault?
“Listen to me,” she said, clasping both sides of my face now and forcing my gaze up. “What happened to me in Miami wasn’t your fault, Lexie. And you did the right thing in Gatlinburg. You gave me peace.”
By killing her—my mother.
She pressed her lips together, and then took a shaky breath. “You can’t hold on to that kind of guilt. It doesn’t belong to you. And what happened after you Awakened wasn’t something you could control. You broke the connection in the end. That is what matters.”
Her words were so sincere that I was almost convinced, but I didn’t want to spend this time with her talking about all the terrible things that had happened. After everything that had happened, I just wanted her to hold me.
Pushing down the guilt was like taking off a pair of too-tight pants. I could breathe now, but the marks were left behind on my skin. “Are you happy?” I asked, scooting closer.
Mom gathered me close again, resting her chin atop my head, and I closed my eyes, almost able to pretend that we were home and that a heart actually beat under my cheek. “I miss you, and there are other things I miss, but I am happy.” Pausing, she tucked my hair back. “There is peace, Lexie. The kind that erases a lot of the negative stuff and makes it easier to deal.”
I was sort of envious of that kind of peace.
“I watch over you when I can,” she said, pressing a kiss on the crown of my head. “It’s not something they suggest for us to do, but when I can, I check in. You want to tell me about this pure-blood?”
My eyes popped open, and heat flooded my face. “Mom”
She laughed softly. “He cares for you so much, Lexie.”
“I know.” My heart squeezed as I lifted my head. “I love him.”
Her eyes lit up. “You have no idea how happy that makes me to know that you’ve found love among all of this…”
Tragedy, I finished silently. Wrapping my hands around her slim wrists, my gaze fell to the window. Thin branches swayed in the breeze. Bright pink flowers were open, their teardrop-shaped petals moist with dew. I stared at them for an obscenely long time before I spoke.
“Sometimes I wonder if it’s right, you know—if I should feel happiness and love when everyone is suffering.”
“But you have suffered, too.” She guided my gaze back to hers. “Everybody, no matter what is happening around them, deserves the kind of love that man feels for you, especially you.”
Flushing again, I wondered just how much Mom had seen. Awkwardville, dead ahead.
“And that kind of love is more important than anything right now, Lexie. It’s going to keep you sane. It’s always going to remind you of who you really are.”
I took a deep breath, but it got caught. “So many people have died, Mom.”
“And people will, baby, and there’ll be nothing you can do it about it.” She pressed her lips to my forehead. “You can’t save everyone. You’re not meant to.”
I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Was being the Apollyon all about death and destruction instead of saving lives?
“Can you stand?” she asked.
Nodding, I pushed to my feet and winced as pain splintered down my legs. Concern pinched my mom’s features, but I waved it off. “I’m fine.”
She stood, keeping a hand on my arm. “You should sit. Apollo said that it would take a little while for… you to feel normal.”
Feeling normal wasn’t possible, probably never again, but I sat on the edge of the bed and watched my mom glide toward the raised dais and the table. She didn’t walk—never had. My mom had this innate grace I always wished I’d been born with. Instead, I stomped around like a cow most of the time.
She picked up the pitcher and a glass that had been behind it. “He wants you to drink this.”
My brows rose in suspicion. If I’d learned anything over the last eighteen years, drinking or eating something from the gods warranted a hefty amount of misgiving. “What is it?”
Mom poured the contents into an ancient-looking glass cup and headed back to the bed. Sitting down, she handed it over. “It’s a healing nectar that Apollo’s son concocted to aid what he had done. You can’t stay here the amount of time that it will take you to heal completely, but this will help. Even for you, there’s too much aether in the air. It will suffocate you.”
Suffocation sounded sucktastic, but I stared at the chalice warily.
“It’s okay, Lexie. I understand your hesitation, but this isn’t to trick you.”
With a great deal of trepidation, I took the glass and sniffed it. The aroma was a mix of honey and something weedy. Because I knew this was my mom, and I could feel that truth deep inside me, I drank from the glass. I was relieved when I discovered it tasted sweet and not like butt.
“Drink it slowly,” Mom cautioned. “It’s going to make you sleepy.”
“It is?” I frowned down at the chalice.
“When you wake up, you’ll be back in the mortal world.”
A cold wind filled my chest. “This isn’t a dream, is it?”
“No.” Mom smiled as she reached out, catching that piece of hair that always fell forward and tucking it back. “This isn’t a dream.”
Letting out a stuttered breath, I took another sip. There was so much I wanted to say. Many times since she’d died, I’d fantasized about seeing her again and had created this massive list of things I wanted to say to her, starting off with a whole slew of apologies for sneaking out, cussing, fighting, and being a general round-the-clock nuisance. And then I’d move on to how great of a mom she’d been. Now, it was funny and strange. When I opened my mouth, emotion choked out that list, erasing it completely. The words I spoke were, “I miss you so much.”
“I miss you too, but I am with you as much as I can be.” She watched me drink the healing nectar. “I want you to promise me something.”
“Anything,” I said, and I meant it.
A small smile appeared. “No matter what happens, and no matter what you have to do, I want you to absolve yourself of guilt.”
I stared at her. “I—”
“No, Lexie. You need to let the guilt go, and you need to let what Ares did go.”
Lowering the glass, I looked away and gave a little shake of my head. Let go of how badly Ares had broken me, how I had begged for death? Impossible. “Did you… did you see it?”
“No.” She placed her hand on mine and squeezed. “But Apollo told me.”
The laugh that came out of me sounded incredibly bitter. “Of course he did. And where was Apollo when I was getting my ass handed to me, by the way?”
A pained look crossed her face, and I immediately regretted saying that. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “He was probably off doing important god stuff.” Or chasing nymphs.
“It’s okay.” Her hand swept across my cheek, and I was surprised to find that my face no longer ached. “Apollo is very concerned about you. So am I.”
“I’m okay.” The lie rang false in my own ears.
She tilted her head to the side and sighed. “I didn’t want this life for you. I wanted to spare you this darkness.”
“I know.” Looking at her, I soaked in her features. Gods, my mom was beautiful. It was more than good godly DNA. It was what was inside that bled through—her goodness, love, and everything I aspired to be. In my eyes, she shone. And her life had ended way too early. She deserved so much more, and I wished I could give that to her. But I couldn’t, so I gave her the only thing that I could.
“I promise,” I told her. “I promise to let it go.”
Her lips curved up at the corners. “I want to kill Ares for what he did to you.”
I choked on my drink. I don’t think I’d ever heard my mom say she wanted to kill anyone, except after she’d turned into a daimon. Then, she’d wanted to kill everyone. A different kind of ache filled my chest. Not wanting to think about that, I swatted those thoughts away.
Smothering a yawn that came out of nowhere, I finished what was left of the sweet drink. Mom took the cup from me and stood, replacing it on the table. By the time she’d turned around, I was lying flat on my back.
“Damn,” I murmured. “That stuff… it’s strong.”
Hurrying to the bedside, she sat beside me. “It is. I wish we had more time, baby.”
“Can’t we?” I tried to lift my arm, but it felt cemented down. Panic clawed at my chest. I wasn’t ready to let her go. It wasn’t fair. I needed her now more than I’d ever needed her. There was something inside me and it scared me. “There’s so… many things I still have to tell you, that I want to ask.”
With a smile that wrenched at my chest, she cupped my cheek. “There’ll be time later.”
“But I’m not ready. I don’t want to leave you. Please…” Strange. I forgot what I was saying. Apparently I’d drunk the ADD nectar.
As my lids became too heavy to keep open, I heard her say, “I’m so proud of you, Lexie. Always remember that I’m proud of you and that I love you.” There was a pause and then her sweet voice said, seconds before I slipped away, “Don’t give up hope, baby. Paradise is waiting for you in the end.”