chapter 29
I’d only gotten a few hours of sleep by the time the sun broke through the blinds the next morning. Listening to everyone tell me they were ready to face whatever was thrown our way… even hours later, I still couldn’t find the right words for how much it meant. But an unseen weight also had settled on my shoulders and it’d grown overnight, pressing me straight down through the mattress. I couldn’t stop any of them—and I wouldn’t just like they wouldn’t stop me—but a thousand things raced through my head.
And the main thoughts centered on any of them losing their lives in this. So many had already perished, and no matter how Positive Polly I tried to be, I knew deep in my core that something terrible, something violent, waited in the future. Death had come long before they’d pledged to see this through, and it was on the other side of the door, or in another state, waiting patiently, because nothing was as unwavering as Death. It probably had the most time in the world.
Even though I knew what awaited them—awaited us all—in the Underworld, I couldn’t bear the idea of seeing any of them fall. If I could, I’d seal them all up in the cage downstairs, even Aiden. No doubt that wouldn’t go over well, but I knew that, between what Apollo needed of me, what Solaris had warned, and how far gone Seth seemed to be, this would end in disaster.
When Aiden shifted beside me and dropped an arm over my waist, I grimaced. “Sorry.”
He snuggled closer. “About what?”
“I kept waking you up.” I pressed back against him, looking over my shoulder. Two silvery eyes peered from behind a mess of dark hair. “I know I did.”
“Not that much.” Aiden rose up on one arm. His body was relaxed, but concern radiated in his gaze. “How much did you sleep?”
I thought about lying, but I shook my head, and then wiggled onto my back. “We’re leaving in a few hours.”
Aiden nodded as his eyes searched mine.
Twisting my fingers together, I tried to smile. “How long will we be on the road?”
“We’re looking at about ten hours.”
Yikes. “Deacon’s riding with us?”
“Yes. So are Luke and Marcus. Solos is taking the girls.”
Something stirred restlessly in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t want to name it. “You think that’s okay?”
Aiden placed his hand over mine, stilling them. “Olivia and Lea are very good. You know that.”
They were. Especially Lea—she was like She-Ra. And Solos and Marcus had gone out earlier, picking up two throwaway cell phones to help us keep in communication.
“And you know Solos will never let anything happen to them. Neither will Laadan.” As he spoke, he eased my hands apart and threaded his fingers through mine. “We have six hundred miles of no man’s land to get through. We’re going to be okay.”
That thing in my stomach tipped over. “I’m not afraid.”
“I didn’t say that you were.”
My eyes narrowed.
Aiden cracked a grin. “But you are.”
“I’m—”
“Do I need to find a sensory deprivation chamber again?” When my cheeks flushed at the memory, his grin spread into a full smile. Deep dimples appeared and, instead of my stomach tumbling, my heart did. “It’s okay, Alex.”
“What is?” My voice sounded terribly fragile, and normally I would’ve hated that, especially considering I was this big bad Apollyon, but with Aiden, I didn’t need to pretend. Sometimes I forgot that, though.
“To be afraid, Alex, it’s okay. What we’re facing is some scary… shit.”
I smiled then. “You cussed.”
“I did.”
My smile quickly faded though, because we were facing some scary shit. Crap that Aiden didn’t even know the half of. “Are you scared?”
For a moment, he didn’t answer. All that could be heard were the slow, steady ticking of the ancient wall clock and the distant chirping of the birds outside the rustic log walls. “Yes.”
Hearing him admit that was both relieving and frightening. “You’re never afraid.”
Aiden shook his head, his smile slipping into a wry one. “You know that’s not true. There’re a lot of things that terrify me, Alex.”
I met his eyes. “Tell me.”
Stretching out beside me, he tugged me over so my cheek was pressed against his chest. “I’m afraid that Deacon is going to get hurt… or worse. I’m afraid that we will lose more people.” There was a pause and his heart picked up under my cheek. “I’m terrified of what you’re going to face—what you have to do and how it’s going to affect you.”
My breath caught around a denial as I curled my fingers into the sheet tangled around his hips. “I’ll be okay.” Those words were bitter on my tongue.
His chest rose sharply. “I don’t want you to be okay.”
I lifted my head so I could see his eyes. They were a dark gray and shadowed. He tried for a smile, but like mine earlier, it looked pained.
“I want you to be more than okay.” Aiden cupped my cheek gently. “I don’t want you to have nightmares for the rest of your life, and see Seth’s face instead of your mother’s. I don’t want this to haunt you.”
Suddenly, everything felt too real and I was too close. Sitting up, I put some space between us, but I still felt hot and suffocated. “I know what has to be done.”
And I also knew what that likely meant for me.
He followed, capturing the newly gained distance. His face, those beautiful lips were only inches from mine. “I know, Alex. I also know that you’re going to do it, because I cannot even think for one second that you will fail. You can’t. You won’t.”
At the pain and determination in his voice, I pressed my lips together. Failing and succeeding kind of ended the same.
“Look at me,” he ordered.
I hadn’t realized I’d looked away, but I felt his hand on my cheek. He guided my chin up until our eyes locked and I couldn’t move.
“But I also know that killing Seth isn’t going to be easy, and I don’t mean on a physical level. I know deep down you care for him. Maybe a part of you even loves him.”
Horrified of what he must think, because he’d nailed it right on the head, I shook my head. “Aiden—”
“I understand.” The small grin that played on his lips was real. “I know it’s not the same as what you feel for me, but it doesn’t make it any less strong or important.”
“He…” I didn’t know what to say. Aiden was right. Part of me still loved Seth, and it wasn’t in the way I felt for Aiden, but it wasn’t any less real or powerful. Even after all that Seth had done, I couldn’t forget all that he had done before that. It had been the same with my mom, but in the end, I had taken her life like it had been fated all along.
You’ll kill the ones you love…
Aiden’s forehead pressed against mine. “Seth was there for you when you needed someone. You guys share this bond that… that is more than him connecting with you. We broke the connection, but there’s something else underneath that. He’s a part of you.”
I drew in a surprised breath. “He’s… he’s done such terrible things.”
“He has.” Aiden pressed a kiss to my temple. “But he has done some good things, and I know you can’t forget how he used to be. I know none of this will be easy for you.”
Killing Seth would break a piece of me, and no matter how long I walked this earth afterward, it couldn’t be repaired. He was a part of me—a part that was a bit insane—but still. It would change me in a way I couldn’t fathom. Just as facing down my mom had. But this time was different.
Apollo didn’t want me to kill Seth; he wanted me to strip him of his power. Knowing Seth, he’d probably prefer death. And if Seth figured out what I was up to, he’d come after me. So I would have to stop him—kill him. Killing Seth would be the only way I walked out of this alive.
“Alex?” Aiden whispered. “Talk to me, agapi mou”
“Don’t be afraid.” My voice was hoarse. “I’ll be… okay.”
His hand slipped to the nape of my neck, and he held on as if he could keep me there forever. “You’ll tell me that you’ll be okay. And you’ll act like you’re okay, but…”
I squeezed my eyes shut. Aiden would know better. Seconds passed in silence. The truth was on the tip of my tongue, burning me from the inside out. I wanted to tell him what could happen—I really needed to—but putting that on him wasn’t fair. Time stretched out, but it wasn’t enough.
“‘You will kill the ones you love.’” My laugh was dry and brittle. “I hate that damn oracle.”
Aiden’s fingers splayed across my cheek. “If I could change this, I would. I’d do anything to save you from this.”
“I know.” I tipped my head a little to the side and kissed him softly. “But Fate is a bitch.”
“Or a bastard,” he said lightly.
I laughed, because whenever Aiden cussed, I couldn’t help it. It sounded wrong rolling off his tongue, but still elegant, somehow. Like a British person cussing. Anyway, I just couldn’t talk about this anymore. I didn’t even want to think about it, but I’d need a brain scrub to fix that.
Leaning forward, I looped my arms around his neck and all but climbed into his lap. “Can we talk about something else?”
Aiden looked like he was going to argue, but he nodded.
Staring into his eyes, I thought back to the days when he used to pop in and watch me train. That made me smile. “I used to think you were the source of my failure.”
“What?” He arched a brow as he wrapped his arms around my waist.
“I could never get things right when you were around, especially when you used to watch me in class.” I shrugged. “I wanted to be perfect in your eyes. I wanted you to be proud of me.”
“I am.”
I beamed at him, smiling for real for the first time since this conversation began. “But you’re kind of like my source of strength, even when I couldn’t concentrate because of you.”
Aiden tilted his head to the side, causing his lips to graze my cheek. “We had the same problem then.”
“Doubtful.”
“You have no idea how hard it was.” Aiden sighed against my lips. “To train you—to be so close when all I wanted…”
There was a flutter in my chest. “What did you want?”
He leaned in, his warm breath becoming my world. “How about I show you?”
Oh, I so liked where this was heading. So much better than the doom and gloom crap that wanted to pull me under, bringing Aiden along with me. “I’m down with that.”
Laughing softly, he erased that miniscule distance and I let out a little sigh. If he kissed me like that every couple of hours, it would keep the darkness at bay. It would obliterate everything I feared and would probably come to regret. My world would be close to perfect.
There was a knock, and we drew apart an instant before the door swung open and Deacon’s mop of a head popped in. Aiden groaned, but his eyes lightened by several shades.
“Good morning!” Too much cheer rang in his voice for this time of the morning.
My cheeks burned as I mumbled, “Morning.”
Before either of us could say another word, Deacon darted from the door and launched himself onto the bed, soaring through the air like a human projectile. I jerked to the side with a split-second to spare. He landed with his legs on his brother and the upper part of his body between us.
Deacon threw his arms behind his head, folding them as he tipped his head back and grinned at us. “It’s like a puppy pile.”
“A puppy pile?” Aiden arched a brow. “You are so weird.”
“Whatever.” Deacon’s gray eyes flicked to me. “Was I interrupting anything?”
Aiden rolled his eyes and I fought a grin. “Not at all, brother.”
“Good, because you guys better get your butts in gear. We’re leaving in an hour.” Deacon crossed his ankles, letting out a content sigh. “Time to hit the road.”
I tucked my hair back, wondering how much coffee he’d had to be up this early and this hyper. “You’re so unnaturally wound up.”
“I’m excited,” he replied. “I’m looking at this road trip like a real life game of Oregon Trail.”
My brows rose. “Are you going to catch typhoid fever?”
“Actually, I was thinking about breaking a leg or drowning.”
“There’s always starving to death.” My lips split into a grin. “Or you could get kidnapped by Indians.”
Deacon’s eyes widened dramatically. “They’d want me for my glorious blond locks.”
“It’s about time someone cut your hair.” Aiden mussed the already unruly curls and then threw the covers back. “I’m taking a shower.”
The look Aiden sent me said he hadn’t planned on doing it alone, and my stomach did all kinds of crazy twists and turns. It didn’t help that he strode across the room in all his bare-chested glory. The heat that zinged through my veins was hard to deny, but Deacon apparently wasn’t going anywhere.
I waited until Aiden closed the door and I heard the hiss of the shower before I glanced down at his younger brother. “What?”
His lips tipped up on one side. “We need to chat.”
Having no clue what was going to come out of his mouth, but positive it would be entertaining, I wiggled down and stretched out beside him. “Okay. About what?”
“You need to stay alive.”
Okay, so not what I was expecting. “I’m not planning to off myself, Deacon.”
“No, but you have that look of someone who is facing down death, practically even expects it.” Deacon paused and his gaze went to the bare rafters in the ceiling. “I know what that looks like. I saw it in the mirror for a long time.”
My mouth opened, but I couldn’t find any words.
He laughed dryly. “I hated living after seeing what’d happened to my parents and those other people. If it hadn’t been for Aiden, I wouldn’t have survived. I shouldn’t have survived. Neither should he.” He gave a lopsided shrug. “I guess I had a mad case of survivor’s guilt or something lame like that. Every time I drank or got high, I secretly hoped that I would overdo it, you know?”
As his words sank in, my chest ached. I reached over, placing my hand on his arm. “Deacon…”
“Ah, I’m okay now. I think I am, at least. But you know why I never really went there?” Deacon turned his head toward me and I knew what he meant. “I wasn’t scared of death, but I was scared of what me dying would do to him.”
Deacon nodded at the bathroom door and my gaze followed his. I couldn’t see Aiden and I knew he couldn’t hear us, but my heart was pounding like I’d just run up a thousand steps.
“He wouldn’t get past losing you,” I said, swallowing hard. “He’s so strong, but…”
“It would kill him. I know. Losing you would kill him.”
A cold chill washed over me, like I’d stepped into a freezer. Sitting up swiftly, I tugged my hair over one shoulder. “Why are you telling me this?”
“You’ve had that same look ever since you came back from the Underworld.” There was a pause, and he looked at me with all the seriousness no one ever gave him credit for, and in that moment he reminded me so much of Aiden. “Whatever you do, don’t break my brother’s heart. You are his world. And if you leave it, it will destroy him.”