chapter 13
Humanity
“I don’t know what I’m going to do about work or fall classes when I go home,” I said to Joel while I rummaged through ancient editions of books on his shelves. Built into the walls of his small flat, the white shelves housed almost every classic title imaginable, all organized by author name. This man took his literature seriously. My respect for his passion had ignited a slew of conversations about our favorite reads while we lounged on his worn plaid couch, sipping coffee. How I talked him into drinking some, I’ll never know. For some reason, he was open to cooperating with me. Maybe it had something to do with flying me—literally—to London against my will and holding me captive. Yeah, that was probably it.
I watched him sip the coffee slowly, wondered what it tasted like for a vampire. “I just hope my boss doesn’t drill me for every single detail, you know? I don’t have the mental energy for that right now.”
“Then don’t give it to her, she’ll live. I’m sure she can satisfy her need for some salacious gossip with some of those tabloid magazines from your store.” He laughed, tossed a copy of East of Eden onto the coffee table. “It’ll be okay. I think it’ll be good for you to get back and get your mind on other things. I’ll be around, waiting in the wings, just in case.”
“I appreciate it, but I really don’t think Andrew will try that again.”
“Better safe than sorry.”
“What is it with you monsters and your reading materials? I’ve never met anyone who reads as much as you and Gavin do. Where have you been all of my life?” As I changed the subject, batted my eyelashes. Relieved I was able to laugh after the night we’d had, I decided I didn’t want to talk about going back to normalcy just yet.
“When you live forever, life becomes a tad daunting,” he retorted, laughing, set his coffee down. “Reading helps pass the time, not to mention keeps us up with the times. It’s interesting to see how society’s changed over the centuries.”
“I’d love nothing more than to read all day, every day.”
“Maybe you should try walking in our shoes for a bit.”
“Maybe. That way I’d have the time.” I smiled, reflected on my workdays, wishing I had more time to dig my nose in the many books I worked around. “Maybe I was meant to be one of you after all.”
“Don’t joke.”
“Who’s joking?”
“No one chooses this life, Camille. Don’t even talk about it casually, there’s nothing casual about it.”
“Seriously. Have any of you ever … I mean, has Gavin mentioned it to you?”
“Changing you?”
“Yeah.” I nodded, sat up on the couch.
He tensed up a bit, looking uncomfortable. “I don’t think I’m the one to—”
“Yes you are. Tell me.”
“I changed someone. A long time ago. I thought she was the love of my life.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Live and learn, I suppose. Anyway, she’s in Amaranth now. She left many, many years ago. I’ll never change anyone again. Ever.”
I placed my hand over his, felt the guilt that oozed from his voice, even after years. “It was her choice though, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah. I guess every now and then, for whatever irrational reason, someone does choose this life. She begged me for a long time, thought hiding our relationship was getting too tedious. It was, but there was no other way. Either way we’d have to hide, whether she was changed or not. We were living against Samira’s rules back then, too. If we didn’t hide, we both would’ve ended up in Amaranth. Life here becomes too difficult.”
I thought back to our conversation at La Boîte Noire, and how Joel had mentioned Amaranth being a banishing. It still didn’t sound like such a bad place to me. “Is the idea of living there really so awful? I mean, considering the alternative?”
“For me, yes. Gavin, Gabe and I have considered it over the years, believe me. But knowing what we know about it, the alternative is,” he gestured to his tiny living room, “less depressing.”
He stood and grabbed his guitar, then sat back next to me, strummed it lightly as we talked. “Anyway, you and Gavin aren’t like me and Arianna. We weren’t meant to be together. Gavin is different. For you, he’s willing to move heaven and earth to find a way to be with you. He won’t give up, and he wouldn’t change you. Not in a million years.” He looked out the window, watched the rain as it dribbled down the sides of the glass. “I made my decision not to follow Arianna. I have to live with that.”
He stopped strumming and reached over to put his hand on mine. “What can you live with?”
“I’m not sure.” I grasped his hand. “I know what I can’t live with.”
“That’s a start.”
“I can’t go back to Louisiana now, even though it’s my only option. I can’t go back to that town, back to my little hole-in-the-wall job. I’ll just be a zombie. It’s not going to be the same without him, and I can’t live with that.”
He gently sat his guitar down when he saw my tears, scooted across the couch to wrap me up in his bear arms. I placed my head on his chest and let myself feel again.
“Then don’t live with it.” He said this softly, held me tight. “You love him, don’t you?”
“I didn’t plan for it to be this way—”
“Forget plans, Camille. Do you love him?”
“Yes, of course I do.” I looked up at him, frustrated.
“Then stop complicating things.” He squeezed me tighter. “These were the cards you were dealt, right? As crazy as the cards are, work with them. Don’t sit around moping about it or trying to get away from it. Work with what you’ve got.”
I used his shirt to dry my eyes and pulled a bit away from him. “I don’t know how to do that. And you fell in love with a human, look what happened to you two. The same thing will happen to Gavin and me. We’ll end up hiding or going to this exile city, it’s impossible.”
“But regardless of what you two choose, you’ll be together. That’s what I mean when I say you two are different. Arianna and I couldn’t agree, couldn’t find any middle ground. Eventually she wanted out of this world, and I couldn’t bring myself to give it up. We wanted different things.”
He held my chin and looked at me, made me wonder if he was considering having me for dinner. “You’re right,” he said. “It’s extremely difficult, either way you decide to go. So why would you decide to take the difficult road that the one you love won’t be on?”
“You said he wants me to move on.”
“Of course he does. He doesn’t want you to hurt because of him. But just because he wants you to move on doesn’t mean you can’t wait for him.” He got up, pulled a blanket from an old cedar chest near the couch and handed it to me. “You’ve had a rough night. I can take you home in a few hours once you’ve had some rest, okay?”
“No.” I took the blanket from him and laid it across my lap. “I can’t sleep.”
“Please, just try.”
“I want to stay for a few days. I’m not ready to go home yet, I just got here.”
He looked at me, eased back down on the couch. “A few hours ago you nearly clawed yourself out of the car to get away from me, and now you want to hang out for a few days.”
“You’re not so bad after all. And besides,” I nodded toward the window, “it’s raining. I hate flying in the rain.”
He grinned, looked at me in disbelief. “What about your job?”
“I’ll figure it out. I need a little more time.”
“Well, I brought you here with the hopes that you’d stay for a little bit. You’re just making my job easier.”
“Maybe I’ll go sightseeing tomorrow. I’ve always wanted to see London—”
He cleared his throat, stood again. “I can’t have you gallivanting around this city right now, it’s not safe.”
“I won’t go by myself, you can come with me. You have all the time in the world, right?” I pleaded with my hands, gave him the puppy dog eyes.
“All right. I can’t argue with that.” Smiling, he headed for the door. “I’m going to run out and grab some human food, since you’re going to be here for a while. I won’t be far.” He slipped into his jacket and picked up his wallet. “Stay put, kiddo.”
“Okay, thanks.” I listened as he locked the door behind him.
Skimming the bookshelves again to find something to read myself to sleep, a small brown journal with scribbles and drawings on the cover caught my eye. I flipped it open, figuring it couldn’t be too personal if it was left sitting on the shelf. About halfway through, I examined what appeared to be a journal entry of some sort.
February 3rd, 1890
My Love,
It’s been some time since the crescent moon, yet I find myself still waiting for your return. Do I entertain such foolish thoughts? I cannot seem to simply let you fade, even when I am aware your love is my demise. You should know the men are growing impatient and seemingly restless lately. I am beginning to wonder what Samira intends to do about it, and I must admit I fear for our safety. I will continue to wait at the gate every month so that I may see your warm eyes and hear your wise voice again. Do pray that my head will catch up with my heart and soon shake me from my naïve deceptions.
Yours in eternity,
Arianna
I immediately shut the book, felt the worn leather binding with the tips of my fingers. Stepping to the window, I looked past the sheets of rain that watered the sidewalk and down into the street, suddenly felt like I’d stumbled upon something intimate. A wave of empathy moved through me, of feeling for the girl who’d left her love behind. She clearly missed him, and I sensed the regret in her words. Her longing reminded me of a conversation I had with my mother when I was younger, not too long after she and my father split up.
“That’s the problem with life, you know,” she said to me one afternoon, atop the Space Needle. “Once you know something, you can never unknow it. Truth doesn’t let you do that.” She looked out over Puget Sound and placed her hands inside her warm coat pockets, her light breath visible against the gray sky. “That’s the tragedy of knowledge.”
I could still see the heaviness in her eyes and hear the defeat in her voice. She hadn’t said much else to me that afternoon, but when she finally spoke, I knew exactly what she was referring to—the knowledge of my father and his string of affairs, the ones that fueled her addictions. She spent ten years hoping to fight it, stuff it away, or change it. Acceptance wasn’t an option. I imagined that was how Arianna felt, living with her decision.
“Camille?” Joel walked in, his long brown hair damp. “You all right?” He dropped some bags on the kitchen counter and noticed the journal in my hands, then set his keys down.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.” I set the book on the coffee table and folded my arms, kept my distance from him.
“It’s personal, but not off limits. Don’t worry about it.”
“Let me help you with that,” I said, rushed over to help put the food away.
“She gave it to me the last time I saw her. In case you were wondering.”
I placed milk and eggs in the fridge. “It must’ve been really hard for you, to read those things. I can’t imagine.”
“It was. It is.” He tossed oranges into a big wood bowl, offered me one.
“Thanks.” I began peeling it with my fingers, unable to concentrate on anything but the sadness in his eyes. “What happened there? In Amaranth.”
He handed me a knife to cut my orange, plopped onto a barstool at the counter. “It’s a long story.”
“When are you going to tell me why Gavin’s doing this? The reason he wants to defeat her. It’s more than just her laws, I know it is.”
He looked at me for a moment, and I stopped cutting my orange, made sure he had my undivided attention. “There is more to it, isn’t there?”
“He went because of her laws. If he ends her reign, the curse will be lifted and we don’t have to live this way anymore.”
“There’s something else. You clearly hate the place, and you didn’t want Arianna to go there. Tell me why.” I set the knife down and sat on the stool next to his, leaned in to fix his eyes to mine. “It’s more than you not wanting to give up your life here. She said she was afraid in that journal. Please tell me what’s so bad about this place.”
He hung his head for a moment. “I told you he has a plan, and I just told you the reason. The details are too complicated and I can only tell you so much.”
“He left me with you not only to protect me, but for you to explain things to me, remember? How do you expect me to wait around for him to come back if I don’t know what this is all about? All of you have been trying to spare me, trying to keep these secrets from me, only giving me bits and pieces. I’m tired of it.”
“It’s for your own good.”
“I’ll decide what’s good for me. Look, you said work with what I’ve got, right? Well … you were right. I’m in your world now, whether I asked for that or not.” I placed my hand on his arm. “So let me in.”
He sighed heavily and stood up to retrieve the journal from the coffee table, slowly slid it toward me. “There was a war. A bad war. Samira is bound by Gérard, the original conjure father, the one who gave her power, to send immortals to Amaranth to be freed from their curse. But nothing stops her from running the city the way she wants to. Those who go there … pay a price. A lot of persecution goes on. The inhabitants rebelled against her and her servants, and almost everyone died.”
“Arianna?”
“No, thank God. But of course, Samira and her army won, and after they won, the survivors were forced to submit to her rule again, and it got worse. Eventually things settled down. All thanks to a leader who stepped in and helped restore the peace there.”
“A leader?”
He nodded. “Someone from the inside.” He watched while I casually flipped through the withered pages. “Once peace was restored, Samira executed the leader and his wife, then covered it up.”
“Okay, so Gavin’s angry with her for persecuting the immortals? She’s ruled for centuries, it doesn’t seem like that is going to change any time soon. What makes him think he can change that? Or that he has to be the one to do it?”
Joel pulled his eyes from mine and pointed to the necklace that hung from my neck. I followed his signal, grabbed the locket between my fingers. “I don’t understand.”
“Did Gavin give that to you?” he asked, looking at me now.
“Yeah, he told me it was his mom’s.” I looked down again at the locket, popped it open to examine the delicate inscription inside. If my heart had wings it would be with you always. My eyes ran over it, searched for any connection. All I knew from what Gavin told me was that his father was killed and then his mom disappeared. I looked back at Joel, stunned. “No. Please don’t tell me his parents had anything to do with this.”
“What did he tell you about them?”
“His parents were the leaders? They were killed … in Amaranth?” I sat back, heartbroken, my words strained, my throat tight. “I can’t believe this.” I pulled my old trusty menthols from my pocket, lit one up. “Samira killed them? So he went there for revenge? He’s putting his life on the line for something that can’t be undone?”
“No, it’s more than that. He wants justice, to help the people there. He wants to see everyone set free from her rule for good.”
“That’s insane. That’s impossibly ambitious. It’s like, killing God.”
“No,” Joel replied, his tone sharp. “She is not God. She only wants to be.”
I shook my head, astonished. Then I remembered. “Wait, he told me his mom left just a few years ago. You’re saying this war happened back in the 1800s.”
“I wasn’t kidding when I said our kind has been trying to resist Samira’s rule for a very long time. It isn’t only those of us living here on earth, but those living in Amaranth, too. The war happened back in the late 1800s, shortly after Arianna wrote that passage. But Gavin always says it’s been five or six years. To him, it feels like it was just yesterday. He’s carried the burden with him, to avenge them, for over a hundred years now.”
He grabbed a smoke from my pack and lit one up for himself. “Gavin’s lived in his grandfather’s house in Louisiana for years, he just traveled to Europe now and then to get away. His father chose to go to Amaranth. His mother couldn’t take living in the house without him, so she up and left. She went to join him. They helped bring peace to the city before Samira killed them. She got rid of them, and then made the people think it was an accident, that they’d eventually be forgotten. She fooled them all.” He shook his head, angry now. “Their deaths are the reason Gavin became one of us.”
“Why kill them? Those poor people…” my hand automatically made its way back to my locket, clasped it tightly as I stared off into space.
“She uses people to get what she wants, and then destroys them. It’s all rooted in the hoodoo and Voodoo side of things, the fact that Samira and Gérard are hybrids: part witch, part vampire.” He chuckled. “Freaks the supernatural, you might say. The people stored away in Amaranth give them unlimited, permanent energy, keep them in rule. So she’ll do whatever it takes for the people to see her in a trusted light. Showing false compassion for the loss of their leaders resonated with them. They respected her more for it. It made them feel she cared about them.”
“That’s why Gavin changed? To avenge his parents?”
“That’s another story for another day.” He exhaled, his tone definite.
I snapped the locket shut and gazed forward at a picture on the refrigerator of him, Gabe and Gavin, in what appeared to be some sort of pub.
“When we were human.” He nodded to it. “Not too long before he lost his parents, actually.”
“Samira already has so much power,” I continued, disgusted, trying to understand. “What is she after, then?”
“She’s bound under Gérard’s spell, has to keep shuffling people in to the city to feed his power. But she’s had to wipe out the entire city once already. It’ll get harder and harder for her to continue down that road.”
He rested his cigarette in the ashtray and stole a piece of my orange, cut it up in little random pieces, a kid playing with food. “Still, she’ll continue to take advantage and cause the people to suffer as long as she reigns. She hates that they get to have their curses lifted.”
I blinked, my focus still frozen on the old picture in front of me. I took another drag, enamored by the sight of Gavin as a human with his warm brown eyes. “You said he was still human when his parents died in Amaranth. How did he find out about them?”
“He would go visit them.”
“In Amaranth?” I turned to him, curious now.
“Yeah, every month when the portal opened.”
“I thought humans couldn’t enter.”
“They can, but they don’t. Gavin was an exception. It was a part of a deal his parents had with Samira. Their service for visitation rights, and no harm done to Gavin.”
I turned back to glare at the picture once more, homesickness washing over me. I needed to get back to Louisiana, and fast. Stretching, I turned to glance at the clock on the wall and gave an exaggerated yawn. “Sorry to cut you short, but I’m beat. Would you mind if I passed on the sightseeing tomorrow after all? I think I’m ready to go home now, and I really should smooth things over with my boss if I want to keep my job.”
“Okay, sure,” he replied, taken aback by my sudden change of subject. He stopped toying with the orange and looked over at me, confused. “Well, uh, let me just get some things together and we can leave.” He headed into his bedroom, left me with the quiet. I glanced at the picture of Gavin one last time and ran my fingers over a page of Arianna’s journal before I shut it, ready to bid London farewell.