Safe. She was safe again. She let her head rest back on his chest.
The last several days had been a mixture of heaven and hell. Heaven was waking up to find herself in his arms, snuggled close and warm. Hell was realizing that her brain hadn’t even tried to fool her. She’d known it was Jesse who held her so close. Years of dreaming of Jamie, of holding on to that moment right as she woke up when she could fool herself that he was still with her, that her nightly visits with him were real, and a couple of days close to Jesse had erased them.
Guilt seemed to be her best friend. Grief had taken that role for so long that the guilt was almost a welcome change. Grief gave her no reprieve. Guilt would flee for a while. It gave her moments where she forgot to feel bad. She’d spent whole days with Jesse, cooking and talking and playing games, and it would only hit her at certain moments. She would be laughing and getting close to him because her body seemed magnetized when he was around. She would find herself reaching for him or turning her face up to his, their mouths so close together. That was when guilt came back with a vengeance.
“Do you see how careful he is with her?” Jesse whispered, his breath warm against her ear. “It sounds like he’s really giving it to her hard, but he’s actually going easy on her. He spreads out the smacks, giving her time to rest before he goes at it again. It’s all about sensitizing her skin, flooding her system with arousal.”
His voice was getting her aroused. He’d been explaining scenes to her, but not in an academic way. Jesse talked about feelings and what the Dom was trying to achieve. They’d watched several scenes and Jesse had explained how the implements of “torture” were really there for the submissive’s pleasure.
The one time he’d spanked her, she’d had the orgasm of a lifetime shortly afterward. Could she shove her guilt aside long enough to try again? This time it wouldn’t end in the building being invaded. This time she would make sure Jesse got something out of it, too.
She just wasn’t sure what. She’d never taken the lead when it came to sex. She’d just been happy to please Jamie and get a little something in return. Jamie’s arms around her had seemed like the best thing in the world, the only feeling she needed out of sex.
Damn but she wanted that fire Jesse had introduced her to. She craved it, and being close to the man who had given it to her had just made things worse. She might have been able to forget it if he wasn’t always there, always tempting her by taking his shirt off and smiling that insanely gorgeous smile of his.
“Ah, I think they’re done,” Jesse whispered. “They’ll be in a privacy room before you can blink.”
Sure enough, Adam was right there, wrapping the robe around his wife’s body and lifting her into his arms. Jake grabbed his kit, shoving the paddle inside, and then he was racing after them, the eager look on his face making Phoebe tear up.
They were alive. They were in love. God, she missed that.
“You had enough? We could go back to the bar,” Jesse offered, moving to her side again now that the scene was over.
She wasn’t ready to go back. If they went back to the bar, the evening would be over and they would eventually go upstairs and turn off the lights and she would lie there wishing for something she shouldn’t, feeling alone and guilty.
“Can we watch Ian?” The big guy seemed to be getting something ready. He’d walked up on stage and started moving equipment around. Charlotte stepped up on stage with him. She looked surprisingly innocent in her modified fet wear. She wore a long skirt, but her breasts were covered with a leather bra. Her belly was on full display and her hand seemed drawn to it. She was always resting her hand there as though she found it soothing to make the connection. She smiled brightly at her husband, who frowned her way.
“Sure. He’s doing a demo tonight,” Jesse explained. “Though it looks like he won’t be using his wife. This is what we like to call an extra scene. It’s one the Dom didn’t really see coming.”
She loved how open and happy he looked. He was smiling and relaxed, like he’d been before her secret had come out, except there was really nothing between them, no wall of untruth to hold her back. Just that guilt creeping back in the happier she felt.
“What do you mean you’re not using me?” Charlotte Taggart’s words rang through the dungeon.
“I already told you I’m using another sub, one who isn’t pregnant with my child.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m fine, Ian. The baby is fine.”
He turned back to his wife. “I told you I won’t risk you going back into the hospital.”