She killed the men she loved.
Her chest was far too tight as she opened and closed the door to the bedroom. She needed time. The lock clicked into place and she looked down at the way her hands were shaking. She was caught. Trapped, just like when she’d been a kid and she knew something was wrong but she couldn’t do anything. No one wanted to hear her cry. It made things worse. She needed to cry, but it was stuck inside. Everything was ending. She was losing Jesse and maybe her job, and she might cost Ten his. She wanted to wail and punch and fight and all she could do was try to drag a breath in.
“Phoebe?”
She couldn’t right now. She stayed silent. He would get the hint. Maybe in an hour or so she would be able to face him with some hint of dignity.
How could she walk away from him? How could she fucking not?
“Baby, I need you to step back,” Jesse said. “Do it. Now.”
The door came crashing open and there he was, rebalancing himself after kicking the damn door in. His shoulders were squared and his jaw formed a hard line as he stepped inside.
“What did you do?”
A stern look lit his face as he walked in and shut the door as best he could. “I told you. No more doors between us.”
“There’s going to be a couple thousand miles between us by tomorrow. You planning on kicking their asses, too?” He wanted to be the tough guy? She could do that, too. She’d practically written the book on how to bury what she was feeling deep.
So why was her every emotion simmering right under the surface?
“Stay with me.”
She couldn’t do that. She couldn’t watch him put himself in the Caliph’s orbit again. “Come with me.”
His eyes held a steely will as he towered over her. “Marry me and I will.”
“What?”
He stepped forward, getting into her space. “I meant what I said. Marry me and I’ll follow you. Marry me and I’ll quit if that’s what you want. I’ll find another job. Hell, I’ll try college or something.”
She stared up at him, not quite sure she’d heard him correctly. “You love your job.”
His hand came out, his fingers brushing across her cheek. “I love you more, Phoebe. So give me a reason to walk out of here with you. I’ll pack us up and we can sleep at the airport. I’ll be the first one on the plane.”
He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t leave McKay-Taggart. She couldn’t ask him to do that. “You love your team.”
“I do. I love you more.” He said it so simply, as though the words didn’t threaten to change the course of her life.
She started to turn away. “I can’t.”
He gripped her elbow, hauling her back. He pulled her close, not giving her an inch of space. “Then I’ll take what time I have. Until you step on to that plane and out of my life, you belong to me. You’re fucking mine. Nothing comes between us. Not your brother. Not the Agency. Not that ghost you keep holding on to. Tonight, you’re mine and you’re going to obey every command I give you, and the first one is take those damn clothes off and get on your knees.”
Her breath hitched. “I can’t.”
His head dipped, his lips hovering above hers. “You can. You think I don’t know what you need? You think this is all for me? It’s not. You’re on the edge. You need an excuse to cry, to let go, and I’m going to give you one. I would do this for the rest of our lives. I would take care of you, but you won’t let me so I have one last night to love you. My way.”
“I can’t love you, Jesse. Not like you deserve, but you should know that I will miss you every second of every day.”
“Every second of every day I want you to remember this.” He pressed his erection against her, moving until his hard cock rode right against her clit. “Remember every second that you could have had a man who worshipped you with his body and soul. You could have had a man who thought of you all the time, who put you first.”
“I don’t deserve that.”
He breathed a sigh and his eyes softened a bit. “And there is the real problem. I’ll show you that you’re wrong about that, too. On your knees.”
Hands shaking, she dropped to her knees, ready to give him everything she had.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Jesse watched her drop to her knees, knowing the fight wasn’t over. Not even close. She thought she could have one more night with him, thought she could take what she needed and still walk away.
He planned to make it impossible for her.
He needed to figure out what all this guilt was about and banish it from their lives forever because he had no intention of living without her. He placed a hand on her head, for the first time in his life feeling like a real Dom. It had all been play before, light and teasing. There was nothing playful about this. Phoebe needed him. She needed a Dom, but mostly what she needed was a husband. It was all just different words for the same thing. Love. Dedication. Commitment. He was committed to her and she was about to discover what that truly meant.