With each step closer, I see the boy in a very different way. I recognize him and relate to him — although I’ve never seen him before — in the most emotional ways.
It’s in his eyes. It’s in his cheeks. In his walk. It’s in my children I see through him.
I gasp, noticing Lily has his eyes. Tiger has his pompous and manly walk. Lily has his cheekbones. Tiger has his pursed-lipped smile. I can go on forever.
Chapter 78
Unconsciously, I let go of Jack’s hands. It’s illogical. Unexplainable. As mad as love is. The Good Alice surfaces.
Whether I’m going to marry this boy or really have his children in the future, only one thing matters now. I’m myself again. The self I choose to be, not what Black Chess wants me to be. Jack has to live. So do the girls on the bus.
“Something wrong, Alice?” Jack asks me.
I fill my eyes with his gorgeous face. I want to tell him that he is going to live. I want to tell him that I’m okay. Everything is going to be all right.
But he wouldn’t understand. His love for me is too strong.
Not only do I know that from my feelings, or the way he came back from dead for me, but from what happens to the Cheshire in the future. Jack’s love for me is so strong it will soften the cat’s heart.
Which means Jack will never let go of me in the future.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jack’s eyes sparkle.
I know why. Because I know Jack will never stop loving me. And even if I stop him from getting on the bus today, even if I don’t kill him, he will never be safe around me. Who guarantees I don’t turn into the Bad Alice five minutes from now? And if not, Jack could be easily hurt in the future, whether by the Cheshire or anyone else.
I know why I’m staring this way at him. Because it’s the last time I will be staring at him so lovingly. The last time he will love me at all.
Slowly I turn away from Jack, unable to imagine how he is going to feel a minute from now. True, I won’t kill him. But I will do worse. I will make him not love me again.
Stepping ahead, I wave at my future husband, the pompous boy, and wrap my arms around him.
The boy welcomes me. Either because he is used to girls doing this to him, or because it’s just fate we can’t change. I pull his head closer to me and kiss him. The boy kisses me back, and I start to make out with him in the craziest ways.
I am so blunt about it, it looks like I do this a lot. Hisses saturate the air around us. Girls gasp, others whisper, and Jack… I have no idea what’s happening to him.
A tear threatens to squeeze out of my eye. But I lock it in. Jack has to believe I mean this. And the boy, well, he is enjoying this a lot.
Images of Tiger and Lily flash before my eyes. Maybe I am not going to marry the one I love, but the one whose children I will love.
After the kiss, and the incredible scene I made, I slowly catch Jack’s reaction from the corner of my eye.
Oh, Jack. I’m so sorry.
Jack is simply dying in front of my eyes. The damage is done. Mission accomplished. Everyone lives happily ever after, except Jack.
Chapter 79
THE PRESENT: THE PILLAR’S LIMOUSINE, OUTSIDE THE INKLINGS, OXFORD
“She sacrificed her love to save the students on the bus,” said the mousy chauffeur, having just arrived from eavesdropping on Mr. Tick and Mrs. Tock in the Inklings.
The Pillar, sitting in the back, smiled. He had both hands rested on his cane. His smile was thin, the chauffeur thought. But he understood. The situation was complicated. Alice, evil or good, was doomed.
“So is that it?” The chauffeur felt uncomfortable about the Pillar’s silence. “She saves the world, fails to find her Wonder, and ends up dead in the past?”
The Pillar tapped his cane. Said nothing.
“That’s not fair,” the chauffeur said. “I mean, she really changed the world. Why does she have to die, let alone live in this kind of misery?”
The Pillar resorted to silence again and again.
“Shouldn’t we see changes in this future because of the things she changed?” the chauffeur tried one last time.
The Pillar leaned back, staring out of the window. It had started to rain, and looking outside was like looking at a mirror buried in the mist. “You ever been in love?” the Pillar said.
The chauffeur shrugged. “Once.”
“Really?”
“Of course. Everyone must have been in love once.”
“Not an ugly mouse like you.”
The chauffeur knew the Pillar was joking. “I fell in love with a girl, mousy like me. We suited each other. In fact, she loved me a lot.”
“If so, why aren’t you with her now?”
“Because I’m with you, professor.”
“Why are you with me?”
“I believe in your cause—morally controversial, yes, but I’d like to help.”
“I didn’t know you were a miserable liar,” the Pillar said.
“Liar?”
“You’re not here because of me. You’re here because of the money I pay.”