“What kind of answer is that?” I wait for a response that never comes. There’s something he’s not telling me—I can feel it. Even though it eats me alive, I save my breath and choose not to ask what it is. He’s not a child who can be coaxed into giving up information he doesn’t want to. Well, neither am I.
In the following silence, I look around. This is my first trip to the Pacific Ocean, though it is a little lackluster considering the tension between the two of us. Underneath my feet is wet, compacted sand. But up ahead, sharp blue and greens, and even the occasional burst of red, glisten from the rising shore. I’m so mesmerized by the colors in the sand as I approach the water line that I don’t even hear him come up behind me.
His fingers lightly drag along my spine from the bottom up, and then back down again. He moves achingly slow, never breaking contact. My breath hitches, my heart picks up speed, and I curse myself for enjoying his touch. His sudden tenderness settles in my chest, striking a blow. Allowing him to be hot and then cold and back and forth can’t be good for my self-esteem. I don’t move, but I emotionally detach myself from the situation in an effort to think clearly. So I ask the question that’s been on the tip of my tongue since he stormed into the office. Expecting him to deny it, I gear myself up for a fight.
“Did you fuck her?” I ask.
“Who?”
“That woman from the party.”
“Yes,” he says. There’s no awkward pause or uncomfortable groan. It’s like a slap to my face, but that’s not something I can deal with right now.
“Where?”
He moves in, the front of his body flush with the back of mine. Bending his head down, his breath heats the side of my face. “Against the barn. I followed you out there. I saw him. With his hands on you, touching you. You laid down in that field for him. You let him shove his finger in your pussy. You let him taste you.” The way he says the words, detailing my transgressions, it makes me sick to my stomach. I move to step away, but his arm snakes around and holds me in place. Tears spring to my eyes, my gut twists in knots, and everything apart from him melts away. I can’t feel the chilly breeze on my skin, nor can I smell the salt and seaweed of the ocean. All I have left is his indignation.
“I fucked her. I don’t even know her name. I had to fuck her, or I would have killed him. Right there, in front of everybody, I would have slit his fucking throat to teach you both a lesson. So instead, I fucked her. So hard she asked me to be careful. But I couldn’t be careful, because you let that fucker in your pussy.”
I close my eyes, letting the tears fall on my cheeks. The picture he paints is so vivid I can practically see it happening.
“I don’t want to hear anymore.”
“Does it bother you, knowing I fucked her?”
“Yes,” I admit, having no fight left in me.
“Good.”
Chapter 16
Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.
Helen Keller
IT’S BEEN A few days since Ryan pulled that stunt in town and took me to the beach. I’ve been trying not to think about everything he said, because that just brings up the shame of what I did with Duke in that field. It reminds me that I couldn’t even stand to hear Duke’s voice when he was inside me because I’d wanted it to be Ryan. But Ryan is a whole new kind of screwed-up that I’m not used to.
I need to walk away. I just don’t want to. Just a few short months ago, my entire life had been planned out before me, and nobody had asked if it’s what I even wanted. It was what was expected of me. And I hated every single second of it. The moment I got in the van, everything changed. Nobody around here gives a shit about manners or projecting an image. They just are who they are. And as much as I hate the bullshit, I love the insanity. I didn’t realize it then, but during that first ride on the back of Ryan’s bike, I picked him. He was the first thing I chose in what might be forever. And for whatever reason, in his own fucked-up way, he’s kind of picked me, too. Now I just have to figure out a way to keep him.
Instead of spending any more time thinking about Ryan, I’ve been focusing on moving forward. I have an appointment with an admissions counselor at Redwood College in the coming days, and just yesterday, I got my new mobile phone. When Jim and I were at the shop the other day I asked him where I could get a phone, and, much to my surprise, he had several burner phones. It’s nothing fancy, but it does the job, and Jim says the club’s covering the cost.