He releases me with such force I wobble back a step before righting myself again. Beneath the bubbling anger is that ever present pit of sorrow that threatens to engulf me.
Duke stalks into the clubhouse and slams the door behind him. The sound of metal on metal thrashing together violently makes me jump. I close my eyes and gift myself a moment of silence. All this shit that’s going on with the club and Alex is already weighing on him enough. He doesn’t need my shit, too. The way he held me in place and refused to let me go until he was good and ready shook me up. It was like he was taking possession of me, as though I was nothing more than a silly plaything that refused to work properly.
I work extra hard to keep my composure as I slink into the brightly-lit clubhouse after Duke. His heavy boots carry him through the main room then down the side hallway and into the chapel. He doesn’t look back or miss a beat as he walks through the open chapel doors and slams them behind him. The Lost Girls, Old Ladies, and family members of the club, who fill the crowded room, collectively stop what they’re doing to look at the doors of the chapel. Slowly, their eyes drift to me. The Old Ladies look at me curiously. They’re all here with the exception of Ruby—and maybe Alex now, too. Even Chief’s wife, Barbara, is here.
Not many of the Fort Bragg Forsaken have Old Ladies. They’re mostly young guys with strong appetites who aren’t ready to settle down. It’s been a running joke for years with the younger guys that once a brother is ready to settle down that means he has to find a new charter because he’s too damn old to take care of business properly. It’s what they said to Bear when he knocked up his girl and then married her two kids later. It’s also what they said to Diesel back when that shit went south with Julie, but that didn’t work out so well for them. Even Jim talks about how the club never thought he’d turn into such a pussy, but then he met Ruby. If there’s one thing these guys can agree upon, it’s this: family is the core of everything worth having.
I check out the tables around me and find that they’re all full with various boxes and decorations. Black toile spills out of one box, and dark red satin is falling out of another. Other tables are littered with magazines and empty beer bottles and even a bong. At one table in the corner are Chel and Dawn—neither of whom I’m up for talking to right now. Chel catches my eye and gives me a sad smile. She’s not been doing so well since Chief died. I never really got it, but she and Chief had a thing that wasn’t as much sexual as it was spiritual. Still, he loved his wife and she’s always been loving to me. I give Chel a small smile and cross the room to express my condolences to Barbara, who is seated between Layla and Mary. Layla looks as fucked up as ever. Her hands scratch at her jeans, and she’s twitching slightly, which must be making Grady mad as hell. No matter how good Grady is to that woman, she just can’t get her shit together.
Mary, Fish’s long-time girlfriend, stands up first. She sets down the catalog she’s been looking through and bridges the distance between us. She reaches out and gives me a quick hug that’s tolerable enough and says, “Hey girl.”
Pulling back, Mary makes room for Barbara to stand and take a step toward me. Barbara and Chief have been together for years, and even though she knew he wasn’t faithful, she’s loved him with everything she has since the day she climbed onto the back of his bike. In his own way, he loved her just as much. Her face twists as she sets her eyes on me. Her chin trembles, and she shakes her head. For the first time in years, I find myself rushing at someone to wrap my arms around them. As I grab a hold of Barbara and pull her into me, I suddenly feel the weight of her grief and the club’s loss. It’s not until this moment that it really hits me. My throat is so dry and my eyes water, but I fight it off, gulp down the whimper that nearly escapes me, and suck it up so I can focus on Barbara. She lets her body sink into mine as her hands clutch into my back and dig in painfully. I bite my lower lip to keep from vocalizing my struggle to keep from crying out in discomfort.
“Shit,” she says and slowly pulls back. She’s at least a good six inches taller than me and has a broader frame, but she wears it well. Her black hair is a mess atop her head, and for the first time in years, I’m seeing her without makeup. Wiping her eyes and sniffling, she gives out a frustrated laugh.
“I’m sorry I didn’t reach out to you sooner,” I say. When Dad went to jail, Barbara was all over me and Jeremy. If Ruby and Jim hadn’t taken us in, she and Chief would have. She never hesitated to step into the role of mother when I needed one after my own bailed. Not that I ever really thanked her for it. Guilt swims in my belly, making me uncomfortable in her presence. She shakes her head.