“There’s stuff I gotta say,” I whisper. My eyes are wide, my heart’s about to beat out of my chest, and it’s only when I open my mouth that I realize what we’ve been building up to. I’d say I love him, but those words are such bullshit. I open my mouth only to close it twice before I realize the only thing I need to say right now is what’s already been said.
“Nothing spins,” I whisper. He’s given me solid ground for the first time in years. When I’m with him. I know I’m wanted and I’m cared for, but even more than that—I’m respected. The way his hands travel my body and he listens to the things I say should have told me this before now.
Nothing spins.
The weight of my fears presses down on my chest, not crushing, just hard enough to remind me that we need to talk. And for the first time I think that just maybe it’s all gonna be okay if those fears are realized. Because if his world’s stopped spinning and so has mine, then maybe I want it to be true and I want things more permanent with him.
Slowly, I crawl off his lap despite his protests, which I shush into silence, and, taking his hand, I lead him into the bathroom with me. I turn on the shower and then turn back to Duke.
He hasn’t moved from the spot I left him in. Reaching up, I take off his cut and place it on the sink. Then I remove his tee shirt. When I unclasp his belt, I can feel him growing beneath the jeans, and when I drag the zipper down, I notice he’s throbbing.
“Get it off your chest, baby. You need to talk it out, so you talk it out,” I say. He says nothing as he watches me slide his jeans down and then take off his boots and socks. When his jeans are pooled at his feet, I slowly drag his boxers down. Still, he says nothing. I stand up and place my hands on his chest and look him firm in the eyes and say, “Let me take care of you.”
And it’s all he needs to start talking as I undress myself. Everything from how they took Michael, Alex’s brother and the guy he calls Junior, to a safe house out of town—which is where he’s spent most of his waking hours. He’s all fucked up over Michael and the things he’s been saying. Duke doesn’t feel right about ignoring him like Ryan’s ordered him to. Not that Ryan can order Duke around, so he’s thinking of taking Michael seriously and talking to Jim about it. As he talks, I walk him into the steamy shower. When he’s inside he tells me how Michael flipped out and attacked one of the prospects and Duke had to intervene.
“I feel like a tool for thinking he might be onto something,” he says as I drag the bar of soap over his taut skin.
“Take that to the club and let them vote on it,” I say without even thinking about it. If he brings it up during church, the club will have to give it consideration, and then at least it can be off his shoulders and no longer solely his burden to bear. I can tell he’s holding something back with the way he’s so tense and frustrated, but I don’t bring it up. He’ll bring it to me when he’s good and ready and not a second beforehand.
Once he’s all clean and he’s helped me wash his hair, I use his body as leverage to steady myself as I sink to my knees. For years, he’d buddy up to me at the clubhouse and playfully tell me I should suck his dick. And for years I’d seriously tell him to go suck his own dick. And after a few minutes of chitchat, he’d wander off. Sometimes I’d see him with another woman and sometimes he’d be with two or more. And they’d suck his dick, they’d ride him, he’d ride them, and they’d fuck each other. And because sucking dick is a lot of work for little reward, I don’t like doing it. But right now I want to give him something I never have. And since I’ve given him my heart and maybe even a piece of my flesh, I want to give him this.
He looks down at me with hooded eyes, watching as I circle the head of his shaft and draw him in. I drag it out, pumping and licking and sucking as long as I can, but eventually my jaw tires. Placing soft kisses along his shaft I say, “I’m going to make you forget anyone else has ever been here.” I wrap my mouth around him, swirling my tongue over his head, and within a minute, he explodes in my mouth and I drink him in.
It isn’t until we’re both clean and tucked into bed that he tells me about Chief and he holds me while I cry for the first time in years.
Chapter 19
“No, for real—what the fuck, Nicole?” Duke snaps angrily from the other side of the door. “You haven’t been peeing for at least five minutes. You can’t tell me you still have to pee. We got shit to do.”
I cast a sideways glance at the locked bathroom door and for the hundredth time, look at the pregnancy test in my hands. The blue positive sign that showed up less than a minute after I finished peeing on the damn thing is practically mocking me.