When the Heart Falls

I'm shivering, so cold I can't stop. Cade puts his blanket over me, and I calm myself, trying to stop my chattering teeth so I can finish the story. "The second time was worse somehow. Maybe because I should have learned my lesson, should have been ready, but I wasn't. It was 4th of July; his family was at our house. We'd just returned from the city and the fireworks and my dad was barbecuing in the backyard. Rodney was there, but so was my whole family, so I just stayed out of his way. During dinner, one of the neighbor kids spilled her punch on me. I went upstairs to my room to change, and I forgot to lock my door, forgot he was in the house. He found me. Pushed the door open while I was standing in my bra and panties. Locked himself in the room with me. Covered my mouth until I gagged. Ripped my panties off."

I wish I could end it now, say that I stood up for myself, fought back, that it never happened again. But I can't. "He got another girlfriend after that, but he never left me alone. We were neighbors, friends. He was at my house a lot, and we saw each other at school every day. He knew he had something on me, something he could use against me if I ever told, and he knew I’d keep the secret. He tormented me all through high school, for four years he raped me, used my body however he wanted, whenever he could.” Tears are streaming down my face and Cade’s face is locked in a look of utter horror. He hates me now, I can see that, but it’s too late to stop, to take it back. My demons are already exposed. “I tried to stay away from him, tried to always be with other people if he was around. We have a big family, so I had some success in that, but still, he found ways. It didn’t stop until he left for college and his parents moved. If he had gone to Sarah Lawrence, I’m not sure what I would have done. And then, he showed up here.”

I bow my head, tears dripping onto Cade’s bedspread, hiding my face with my hair. “Now you know. I’m weak. I’m pathetic, and it’s all my fault. I could have told, could have stopped him, but I never did. I… I’ll understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore.” I reach for my necklace with our key. “If you want this back, I wouldn’t blame you. You must hate me now."

“Hate you?” He pulls me into his arms. “Winter, I love you. I could never hate you. But I will destroy Rodney. This isn’t your fault. None of it.” He kisses my tears away and locks eyes with me. “Do you hear me? It’s not your fault. It’s his. And I will never let anything like this happen to you ever again.”

“You don’t hate me? Really?” My heart is aching, desperate to believe him, but my self-loathing is so profound, so deep, that I can’t believe this incredible man still wants me after hearing the truth.

“I love you, Winter.” He holds my key up. “Forever. Remember? And I’m so proud of you for telling me this, for finally breaking the silence and ending the abuse once and for all. He can’t hurt you anymore, okay? He can’t.”

My body shakes with sobs, all the years of secrets, of lies and pain and shame, it all spills out of me as Cade holds me.

When my tears have dried up and the shaking stops, something inside my chest unfurls and opens up to the light. Like my heart sighing in relief, I feel peace and… safe… for the first time since high school.



I reach for Cade, then. Need growing in me at the release of past hurt. I find his mouth. Kiss him. Run my hands over his chest and abs.

He pulls back. “You should rest. You’re hurt.”

“Then be gentle," I say. "But I need you. I want you. I want to know what it feels like to be with the man I love without shame, without secrets, without anything between us. I want to be free.”

He nods, kissing me back, a part of him hardening under my hand.

My body is sore, bruised and tired, but Cade is gentle, as if handling fine china. Every touch is light, caressing, careful.

I wish we could unleash all of our passion, give in to it until we’re lost in each other, but I enjoy this, too. It’s different, slower, a heart connection more than blind passion.

He enters me gradually, holding himself off my tender torso with strong arms, his muscles sexy as they flex around me.

Our rhythm is patient, each thrust thoughtful, but no less pleasurable. We maintain eye contact, making love with our hearts, our minds, as much as our bodies, seeing into one another's souls.

I’m safe. Loved. Cherished.

And when we cross that chasm of bliss together, the pleasure isn’t an explosion as much as an opening up, like a flower blooming. I feel alive, in every pore of my skin, every inch of my muscles.

And then, like a deep, soulful sigh, my body rests with his.





CADE SAVAGE





CHAPTER 40





RAGE LAYS QUIET in my soul as I hold Winter and wait for her breathing to fall into its sleeping rhythm. Then I wait some more. After all she’s been through, I don’t want her to wake up alone. Not ever. I can’t make this right, it will never be right, but I can make him pay. It won’t be enough, even death wouldn’t be enough, but I will make him feel some of the pain he inflicted on this beautiful woman in my arms.