When the Heart Falls

My first tear falls down my face, but I don’t wipe it away. There will be more before this story is over. Cade squeezes my hand, and I continue. “I was stupid. Young. I just wanted to fit in. In retrospect I can see the warning signs. He was an asshole, actually, but I didn’t see it then. I just saw this cute boy who actually liked me enough to take me out with his friends. We didn’t even stay at the dance long. There was an after party at his friend's house. No parents home, underage drinking, that sort of thing. I felt so cool, so grown up. It was the first time I ever drank, ever did anything at all against the rules. It didn’t take him long to get me drunk. Maybe he slipped something in my drink to help the process along, I don’t know. At some point, I felt sick and went to lay down in one of the bedrooms. When I woke up, Rodney was standing over me. He’d already taken off my panties and was hiking up my dress and spreading my legs. The top part of my dress had been pulled down. I couldn’t move, didn’t understand what was happening at first. My head spun. I was still drunk and sick.”


A low growl rumbles from Cade’s chest, but he doesn’t speak. I reach for his water bottle on the dresser and take a drink. “When he… when he shoved himself into me it hurt so bad I thought I was being ripped in half. I could smell the alcohol on his breath as he forced his kisses on me and raped me, his hands groping my body as he violated me. I begged him to stop, but he didn’t listen and I didn’t have the strength to make him. When he was done he laughed and said ‘Fucking you is like fucking ice. You’re cold and hard. An Ice Queen.’ Then he left me there, bleeding, shaking, vomiting, while he went back to the party. I cleaned myself up and when I left the house to call my parents he grabbed me and dragged me back into the house. ‘You’re never to tell anyone about this, bitch. I’ll kill you if you do. Besides, they won’t believe you. They’ll think you’re just making it up to cover for the fact that you’re a slut who got drunk and broke the rules.’ I believed him. I was scared. I knew my parents would be mad that I went to a party and drank. I thought I brought this on myself.”

Cade’s reserve cracks, and he pulls me to him as a sob escapes my throat. “Oh Winter, oh my God. I knew he’d been harassing you, but I didn’t want to think it could be this bad. I’m so sorry. And no, you didn’t bring that on you. He did this to you and he should pay. He will pay, that fucking asshole. I will kill him.”

I want to get lost in Cade’s arms, hide behind his protection, let him avenge me, but I can’t because there’s more, and when he hears the rest, he might not feel this way anymore. He might hate me, and I can’t bear the thought that this will push him away, but I realized tonight with Jenifer that I couldn’t live this lie anymore. So I have to risk it, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, stopping him, pulling away from him. “There’s more.”

He freezes, his muscles so tense I can see the veins popping in them. “More?”

I nod. “I tried to break up with him, and sort of did, I guess. I became more withdrawn after that night, but I could always blame it on my love for reading and writing. I thought I did a pretty good job of hiding the damage that night caused me and moved on. I stayed away from him, avoiding him at school, and I thought it was over." I pause. "It wasn't."

I'm shivering, so cold I can't stop. Cade puts his blanket over me, and I calm myself, trying to stop my chattering teeth so I can finish the story. "The second time was worse somehow. Maybe because I should have learned my lesson, should have been ready, but I wasn't. It was 4th of July; his family was at our house. We'd just returned from the city and the fireworks and my dad was barbecuing in the backyard. Rodney was there, but so was my whole family, so I just stayed out of his way. During dinner, one of the neighbor kids spilled her punch on me. I went upstairs to my room to change, and I forgot to lock my door, forgot he was in the house. He found me. Pushed the door open while I was standing in my bra and panties. Locked himself in the room with me. Covered my mouth until I gagged. Ripped my panties off."

I wish I could end it now, say that I stood up for myself, fought back, that it never happened again. But I can't. "He got another girlfriend after that, but he never left me alone. We were neighbors, friends. He was at my house a lot, and we saw each other at school every day. He knew he had something on me, something he could use against me if I ever told, and he knew I’d keep the secret. He tormented me all through high school, for four years he raped me, used my body however he wanted, whenever he could.” Tears are streaming down my face and Cade’s face is locked in a look of utter horror. He hates me now, I can see that, but it’s too late to stop, to take it back. My demons are already exposed. “I tried to stay away from him, tried to always be with other people if he was around. We have a big family, so I had some success in that, but still, he found ways. It didn’t stop until he left for college and his parents moved. If he had gone to Sarah Lawrence, I’m not sure what I would have done. And then, he showed up here.”

I bow my head, tears dripping onto Cade’s bedspread, hiding my face with my hair. “Now you know. I’m weak. I’m pathetic, and it’s all my fault. I could have told, could have stopped him, but I never did. I… I’ll understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore.” I reach for my necklace with our key. “If you want this back, I wouldn’t blame you. You must hate me now."