When the Heart Falls

HIS WORDS ARE scrawled over the whole page, and my eyes go blurry. He feels so close right now. I can hear his voice saying the words, hear his sobs where the tears spilled onto the page, smudging the ink.



Dearest Dad,



You win. I'm done. I know you never wanted me as a son. I know you've been waiting for this, that it would be better if I were dead than a fag. I hope this makes you happy, because it's not easy. Even though there's nothing left to live for, it's not easy. Some kindness from you, some understanding would have made a difference, but it's too late. All you ever cared about was having a perfect son who did everything you wanted perfectly. A son who wasn't me.

I couldn't do anything with you shaming me every second. You couldn't even act nice around strangers. You hate what I am. You hated seeing me all the time. Well, now you'll never have to see me again.

Give all my personal things to Cade. Don't throw them out, please. They mean much more to Cade than they mean to you.

You always told me that I was sick. That something was wrong inside me. But you know deep down in your heart that you're the sick one. That you're wrong. And now, because of your mistakes, you have my death on your hands.

May you rot in hell.



To Mom,



I'm sorry to leave you with Dad. But the AIDS will kill me soon anyway. There's no reason to wait. Dad got his wish. God punished me, if that’s how you want to see it.

Please tell Cade and Stevie that I love them very much. My heart breaks when they don't stand up for me in front of Dad. But they're young. It's not their fault. They do their best.

Tell Cade and Stevie about my disease. Or don't. Do what you think is best.

Everyone seems so happy, and I feel so alone. I've thought about doing this before, but I'm afraid.

I hope you forgive me. I hope you think kindly of me.

Goodbye



P.S. Disregard all the mean things I've said. Especially to you, Dad. We've both said mean things to each other that we didn't mean. I know you grew up with a father who hated homosexuals. I know you don't know any better. It's not your fault. Or maybe it is, but I forgive you anyways.



Mom, Cade, Stevie, please forgive Dad. He tried. This isn't his fault. It's not your fault.



Love,



Your son and brother, Peter



Cade… if you find this first, don't go in my bedroom.



Call Mom. She'll handle it.



Cade… don't go in the bedroom.





CADE SAVAGE





CHAPTER 34





THE SUN HAS set and the cold settles into my bones before I move my eyes from Pete’s letter. Hours pass as I let his words sink in. Everyone has left the memorial, and it’s time for me to leave, too.

It doesn’t take me long to pack, since I never really unpacked, but this time I know I’m not coming back, so everything looks different.

When I finish, I go in search of my father who’s sitting in his study staring out the window.

“I’m leaving, Dad.”

"Nonsense. We just buried your brother."

"I did what I came here to do. I've said goodbye."

He turns to face me, his whole body rigid. "You said a lot of things."

"Only the truth.” I’m not even mad anymore, just tired. Tired of the fighting and the hate and the tearing each other apart.

A vein twitches over his right eye. "You insulted me in front of our friends."

I cross my arms and take a deep breath. "Your friends. Not mine."

He points at me, and I know that finger would poke my chest if he was closer. "Your future business partners."

I shake my head. "I won't run the ranch."

He stands up, throwing his arms into the air. "Then who, Cade? Who?"

"Sell the business."

"Sell the business?” His jaw drops. “Sell the business? My father put his entire life into this business. You think he let me leave?"

"You could have.” You should have. Maybe if you’d been stronger, Dad, you could have broken this curse on our family.

He squints his eyes, his fists clenching again. "Don't tell me what I could have done. I kept the business alive. I kept my father's legacy alive. That's what I've done."

"Grandpa's gone, Dad.” I take a step closer to him, dropping my arms to my side. "He's gone."