She spoke with such conviction that he stopped to stare at her. “Explain.”
“You think Casmun scouted into Demora, looking for a place to invade,” she said. “That is why we’re really here. You came to investigate and do some scouting of your own. To catch them in the act and find out what they’re up to.”
The lieutenants and Nicholas were all staring at him now.
“Except there was no one to catch,” Sage continued. “You patrolled for weeks and found nothing, so you took matters into your own hands. You were so obsessed with getting answers to the wrong questions that you invaded another country and kidnapped two men.”
Her summation was harsh but completely accurate. “I’m trying to prevent a war, Sage!”
“No,” she said. “You’re provoking a war. I’m preventing one.”
Before he could respond, she rushed on. “It wasn’t the Casmuni who came here last year. They’ve never been seen in these parts after the first day of summer. The invaders also had horses, which the Casmuni have never been seen with.”
Apparently she and the Ranger had discussed more than geography. “Just because something hasn’t happened before, doesn’t mean it can’t start happening now,” he said.
Sage shook her head. “The desert can’t be crossed after summer because the chain of springs they have to follow dries up. Nor can they follow the river—the Yanli Gorge forbids it. If I hadn’t freed those men, they would’ve had no chance of getting home this year. When their countrymen came to retrieve them, it would’ve been with an army.”
“And how do you know releasing them won’t bring about the same?”
She took a deep breath. “I’ve been studying old Casmuni trade agreements and treaties for weeks. I’ve come to understand what is important to them and … how to speak with them.”
“You talked to the prisoners.” He gaped at her. “In their own language.”
“Yes.”
Alex had thought nothing she could learn or do would astonish him anymore, but he was wrong. Part of him swelled with pride. But none of her investigating had started with what she’d observed here—she’d come prepared and with purpose. Alex turned his head to address the silent officers behind him. “Everyone but Lieutenant Casseck is to leave now.”
As one, the group stood and came to attention. “You will discuss nothing of what you heard tonight,” said Alex. He would handle them after he got to the bottom of this. “Dismissed.” They filed out of the tent, Nicholas trailing. Casseck came to stand behind Alex, off to the side.
“Who are you working for, Sage?” Alex demanded.
She hesitated. “Myself. You were hiding something. I wanted to know what.”
“Don’t lie to me!”
Sage shrank a little, showing regret for the first time since yesterday. “Her Majesty,” she whispered finally.
He couldn’t decide if that was the worst or best answer she could have given. “Bleeding hell, Sage. You could be charged with treason.” Alex gripped the hair at the back of his head. “Why would you agree to something like this?”
“The queen knew there was more to this mission, but the king wouldn’t tell her what. He put her only son in danger and wasn’t honest about it.” Deeper color rushed to her sunburned cheeks, and rage flashed in her eyes. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be lied to like that? To not be trusted to know what’s important?”
“I know the importance of following orders, Sage.” He let that hang in the air for a long moment. “And so do you.”
She looked down at her feet. “I’m not sorry for what I did, but I’m sorry it was necessary.”
Alex had a sudden vision of standing before her last year, apologizing in the same way for his own deception. I regret nothing except that you were hurt. It had taken a long time for her to forgive him, but maybe she hadn’t fully forgiven him after all.
“Pack your things,” he said. “You’re leaving as soon as I can figure out how.”
To her credit, Sage raised her head and met his eyes. “Yes, sir.”
“Dismissed.”
47
MINUTES AFTER SHE was gone, Alex still couldn’t breathe.
“Alex,” said Casseck quietly, making him jump. He’d forgotten his friend was there. “Sending her back may not be the best idea right now. We might need her if the Casmuni return.”
“No,” said Alex, pivoting away.
Cass stepped around to face him. “Alex, she can talk to them. They’ll trust her, and she knows much more that could help us.”
“I don’t care!” Alex roared.
“Be honest with yourself! She wouldn’t have done this if you hadn’t been pushing her away for weeks. She knew you wouldn’t have listened.”
“Whose side are you on, Lieutenant?”
“Your side, dammit! But you aren’t even on your side right now.” Casseck grabbed his shoulders. “What is this really about, Alex?”
The memory of rolling the limp body toward him, realizing it was her, thinking for a split second that she was dead. Carrying her back as she sobbed into his chest and swearing to himself he would revisit the Casmuni with a hundredfold of what they’d done to her.
He should have done whatever was necessary to keep her from coming, just as he never should’ve let her attempt to escape Tegann last year. Everything was compromised, like it had been that night.
It wasn’t about her lying. It wasn’t about her betrayal. It was about him, what she did to him.
Alex looked up at his oldest friend. “I can’t have her here, Cass. I can’t,” he whispered.
Realization dawned on Casseck’s face. “This is about Tegann, isn’t it?”
“You were there, Cass. I thought she was dead, and you saw what it did to me.” Tears flooded his eyes.
Casseck shook his head. “Anyone would’ve broken in that situation—”
“But I’m not just anyone, am I?” Alex flung Casseck’s arms away. “What if I’d thought she was alive? What if instead of tossing that damn bloody knife at me and letting me draw my own conclusion, D’Amiran made me think she was being tortured or taken to his bedchamber for his own special revenge? What should I have done? Nothing. Leaving her there would’ve been the right thing to do. And I wouldn’t have been able to do it.”
“Alex—”
“I would’ve gotten everyone—you, Gram, everyone else—killed. I would’ve lost a war. Over her.”
Alex sank to his knees and pressed his palms into his eyes. “How can I be fit for shoveling shit, let alone command,” he whispered, “when I know I’d let every one of you die if she was in trouble?”
He’d finally said it out loud. Because it was the truth.
Cass knelt in front of him. “Alex,” he said quietly. “It’s not weakness to love someone that much.”
“Then what is it?” Alex sobbed.
“I don’t know.” Cass pulled Alex’s head into his shoulder, holding him tightly as he wept. “But it’s not weak.”
48
NICHOLAS WAS WAITING in Sage’s tent, reading through her Casmuni notes by candlelight when she returned. She raised an eyebrow at him. “Just because you’re a prince doesn’t give you the right to go through my things, Highness.”
He looked up. “Nicholas.”
She frowned. “What?”
“After what we’ve been through, I think you’ve earned the right to call me by my given name.” He shifted to face her. “I also owe you an apology. I never acted like it, but Mother told me to follow your instructions as if they were her own. I never understood why until now.”
“None of that matters anymore.” Sage dropped wearily onto her cot. “The captain is sending me back. You, too, probably.”
“How can he do that?” the prince said, sweeping his hand over her ledger. “Doesn’t he know what you have here?”
Sage looked down at her hands. “It’s more complicated than that. I’ve broken a dozen promises, and I undermined him as a leader in front of everyone. No apology will ever be enough. Frankly, I don’t deserve his forgiveness.”
“He still loves you, you know.”
She glanced up in surprise. “You know about us?”
“Everyone knows, Sage.” Nicholas grinned impishly. “Well, maybe not everyone. Just those of us with eyes.”