“Where the fuck you going?” he shouts after me. I keep walking, but I have nowhere to go and no way of getting there so I turn back around and march up to where he still stands in the kitchen.
“Away from you. Have a little think about what you just said to me. I’ve lost two babies, Cam, two. One before it was the size of a pea and one that was perfect. I bathed him. I dressed him and I held him in my arms, wrapped in a blanket and then I watched as he was put into a coffin lying on his daddy’s chest. Exactly how I’d imagined they would fall asleep together, so don’t you dare, ever, tell me, that I wouldn’t welcome your child into our home. I’ve supported every choice you’ve made where Harry is concerned. Tamara might be the worst kind of human being, but until she proves she’s an unfit mother, I cannot support you in taking her baby away from her.”
His arms are spread wide as he leans on the bench, his head bowed down. The only sound is the hum of the air con and my heavy breathing. He slowly looks up at me.
“I’ve lost a child, too. He was perfect and I buried him with his mum, and I’m so scared, Kitten. I’m so scared that she’ll do something to get back at me, for being with you. I just want my child to be safe.” We stand and stare at each other in silence for a few long minutes before he says, “Come here. I need to breathe you in. Today’s been totally fucked, all I’ve wanted is to be with you, and now that I am, all we’ve done is fight. I hate fighting with you. Come here, please.” He holds out his hand and I step towards him, but just out of his reach. He gestures with his fingers for me to come closer. I don’t move. “Don’t defy me, Kitten. Just come here and let me love you.”
I swallow, but that big, ugly ball of emotion wedges somewhere between my throat and my chest. He opens his arms and I lose the will not to be close to him. I’m still angry but I just need him to hold me. I keep my arms at my sides and he wraps his arms across my back and kisses my hair, my temple and my ear.
“Tell me what happened. Why’d you pass out and how many babies are we having?”
His big hands cup my face and he tilts it so I’m looking up at him.
“Who says we’re pregnant?”
“Kitten, your sexy eggs have been mixed with my super sperm. Of course we’re pregnant.” I manage a smile. “So, who’s pregnant?” he asks.
“Both of them,” I reply.
He tilts his head as he pulls it back to get a better look at me. “Seriously?”
I nod. “I wouldn’t lie to you about something like that, Cam.”
His eyes are shining with unshed tears. “No, you wouldn’t, would you, Kitten.” He brings his mouth gently down to mine and kisses me very softly. “I love you and I’m so sorry for all the shit I’ve brought your way the last few days. I swear, I will find a way to make it better. I swear, I will make you happy. Three babies, Kitten, we had none and just like that, we’re gonna end up with three.”
I want to be confident that everything will be just fine, that we will end up with another two babies, but this is my life. Nothing about my life has gone the way I planned. Until I had two healthy babies in my arms, I would face each day with caution and trepidation. Jim and Ash were right when they decided to keep the information they gave me about the IVF process to a minimum. I do have a tendency to stress and have a meltdown over the slightest thing. And as much as I want to enjoy these next nine months as I watch my babies grow and develop inside my two best friends’ bellies, I know full well that I’m going to be terrified too.
*
Cam and I drive back to Essex and our new home, and this time, there’s not a journalist in sight. We shower and curl up in bed together. I feel exhausted, mentally and physically drained. I’m looking forward to the memorial events for Sean this weekend, but at the same time, I can’t wait for them to be over.
As if reading my mind, Cam says into the back of my head as we spoon, “Do you want to go to the cemetery at the weekend?” It’s Sean’s birthday Saturday. That’s why I picked this weekend for the concerts.
I shake my head. “No, I don’t go to the cemetery.” He’s quiet for a few seconds.
“Why’s that, Kitten?”
I shrug and turn around to face him. “It doesn’t bring me any comfort. Sean’s not there. It’s the last place he would be. If I need to feel close to him, I play one of his songs or I just talk to him.”
“And do you need to?” I shrug.
“Sometimes. With the acts and the events for the weekend, I’ve needed his advice.” He lets out a sigh and I know he’s disappointed that I’ve said that. “Don’t sigh like that. You’re being stupid. You have nothing to be jealous about. I’m not having this conversation with you again. You spend time with Tamara. I’m the only one who gets to be jealous.” His hips are pressed into mine and I feel him start to get hard. It doesn’t take much to get Cam going.