“Why did you shower again? You only just showered this morning before she showed up.” He frowns, while rubbing his hair dry on a towel, but says nothing as he sits on the edge of the bed. “Where have you been all this time?” I sit up as I ask. I’m starting to feel hot and angry and I don’t wait for his reply before continuing, “Did you smell of her? Did you need to wash the smell of her from your skin so you could fuck me with a clear conscience?” He stands, throws the towel on the floor and places his big hands on his hips.
“I showered because I smelt of hospital. I smelt of that horrible hospital smell.” He raises his eyebrows and nods towards me as he speaks, “Now I don’t know about you, but that’s not one of my favourite smells and I assumed it most definitely wouldn’t be one of yours, either.” His eyes are locked on mine. I blink in complete synchronisation with the deep breaths that I take as wave after wave of shame, guilt and embarrassment at the whole new level of bitch I’ve just unleashed.
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly, still not taking my eyes from his. He gives a slight raise of his eyebrows.
“Are you?”
I nod slowly. “I don’t know where all that came from. You were gone so long. I…” I crumble, every single insecure microcell of my being rushes to the surface, to my brain, out of my mouth. They join together and form words and tears and I lose complete control. “She’s pregnant. She’s pregnant, Cam. She’s carrying your baby and I can never do that. I can never give you that and I don’t want to be jealous of her, but I am and I’m so scared. I love you and I want us to work, but she’s there. Already she’s in my face with her baby bump and I can’t ever have one of those.” I almost choke as the words just rush and rush and keep on coming. “I want to get fat. I want to feel your baby move inside me. I’d eat the right things and never take drugs or do anything that might hurt the baby.” I’m making no sense, but I still don’t shut up. “She doesn’t care and I do and it’s not fair. It’s not fair, Cam.” I hold my head in my hands and stare down into my naked lap, trying to let some air into my lungs and some clear and sane thoughts into my head.
“Do you want my baby, Georgia, or do you just want a baby, anyone’s baby?” What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
“What?” He hasn’t moved from where he stood earlier, still naked, his hands still on his hips.
“Sounds to me like you just want a baby. She’s got one, so you want one.” He tilts his chin towards me. “Spoilt little Kitten, always wanting everything her way, always wanting everything, full stop, no matter who gets hurt along the way.” My mouth must drop open. “Don’t look at me like that. How the fuck d’ya think that makes me feel? Like I’m not enough; that’s how.” I know my eyes and my mouth are both now open wide.
“That’s not what I meant at all!”
“Then what’s wrong with me, George. Why can’t you be happy with just me?”
I’m at a loss for words, but I struggle on. “I… I didn’t mean that. You are enough. I’m just… I was just…” I shake my head slowly as I speak, “I want to be able to give you everything you deserve. I owe you. I owe you so much and I’m just so sorry that I can’t. I can give you a baby, if that’s what you want. I can try my best to do that, but I can’t grow it inside me and I want to. I want to be able to do that for you, with you.”
My mum’s words come shouting their way into my head ‘nobody’s promised tomorrow, George’ and I don’t know if it’s those words that have stirred all this up and are making me realise with absolute clarity I’ve wasted far too much of my life feeling guilty, feeling judged, and all I know, right now in this very minute, is that I love Cam and I’m not going to hide it. The press, the newspapers and Sean’s fans can all go and fuck themselves. I know it’s only been a year, and I know, I know that of all the people I could be with, there’re so many reasons why I shouldn’t be with Cam, but I love him. I love him and I want to be with him. I don’t want to wait. I want to rush in, dive in, crash land head first.
I’ve lived the rest of my life at a million miles an hour, growing up way too fast, doing things I really shouldn’t have been doing at far too young an age, but I did them regardless. And somehow, by the skin of my teeth, I’ve survived everything life’s thrown at me. Well, I’m a grown woman now and this is what I want and I’m not planning on letting anyone stop me. I never would’ve thought my mum of all people would be the one to make me see the light, but she has, ‘grab it with both hands,’ she said, and right now, that’s exactly what I intend to do. I’m sick of feeling like I’m barely hanging on. I’m sick of guilt clawing at my insides. I love Sean. I’ll always love Sean, but I also love Cam and I’m no longer going to try and justify it to anyone, least of all to myself.
“How?” he asks quietly. I look up from my lap and my eyes meet his. He looks so sad and I’m not sure if it’s me or himself he’s feeling sorry for. “How can you give me a baby? Not that it matters. I don’t care. You’re all I want. You’re enough for me. I just want to know how you think you—”
“I have eggs,” I interrupt him. He frowns, deeply, then rakes his hand through his hair.