“You’re here, ain’t ya? He swore to me he’d never get involved again after what happened all them years ago, and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure that I’m happy that you are here now.” I admire his honesty, but my stomach still lurches and my heart hurts at his words.
“I won’t hurt him, Ben. I promise I won’t hurt him.” I can feel my lips tremble, but I keep going, “If you think I should walk away and leave him and Tamara to sort their shit out, if you think he’ll be happier with her, then I’ll go, Ben. I’ll walk away.” I look down at my empty wine glass. “This time I’ll do the right thing.” I wipe my running nose on the bottom of Cam’s T-shirt and think about how my mother would flip out if she had seen me do that.
Benny lets out a big long huff. “He loves ya, George, like you wouldn’t believe, but what you did before,” he nods as he looks at me, “when you left him before and I came and got ya that time, I thought that was it. I really thought he’d end up topping himself.”
I get up and go to the fridge to top up my wine glass and I mean top it up. I even take a swig as I stand at the fridge and then top it up some more. I have a feeling this story is going to be hard to listen to. Ben waits for me to get comfortable before continuing, “When you left that day, it took us a good hour to try and calm him down. In the end, Robbie asked the doctor to give him something. Then we had him locked in his room for two weeks, just till we were sure he wouldn’t go and get straight on the piss again or the Charlie… Or,” he looks at me for a few seconds, “come looking for you.”
“Me?”
He nods slowly. “He had it in his head that when you were there at the flat that day he was fucked up, that he heard you tell Robbie that you loved him. Cam I mean, he reckons he heard you say that you loved him, but you just hadn’t realised it until then.” Oh, God. I sip my wine and stare down at my glass. “He was convinced if he could just see ya, talk to ya, that you’d come back to him.” He sips his drink. “He was convinced that you’d eventually see sense and come walking through the door.” I remember the conversation clearly. I remember the whole day. I think it was the day that I first realised that I might, quite possibly be in love with two men.
“He didn’t imagine it, Ben. I did say it. I did tell Robbie that I loved Cam.”
He raises his eyebrows again, then frowns. “So why did you leave him? Why’d you go back to Maca?”
I know he’ll never understand this, but we’re being honest here so I give it my best shot at explaining. “Because I couldn’t not be with Sean. I had to be with him, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t love Cam. I know it doesn’t make sense, Ben, but that’s all I’ve got, and the thing is, even after all these years, even while I was happily married and in love with my husband, I still loved Cam.”
Benny shakes his head. “Fucking women, I don’t know. I can’t fathom you out. You baffle me, the lot of ya.”
I smile. “You married, Ben?”
He shakes his head. “Not any more. I was for a coupla years. Didn’t work out.”
“That’s a shame.”
He nods. “Yeah, we probably didn’t try hard enough. We were young and stupid, and doing what I do for a living, it weren’t really fair. I was out all hours and she was stuck at home with the baby.” Benny has a child. I had no idea.
“You have kids? I didn’t know.”
He nods. “Just the one. She’s twenty-four now. Her name’s India.” He nods and smiles as he speaks, obviously proud. “She’s just started an internship for some big advertising company in New York.”
“Oh, wow, a clever girl then?”
“Yep, she went to a good school and then on to Oxford.” He pauses for a second and looks at me. “Cam paid for her education. Like I said, George, that’s just the kind of bloke he is.” Wow. Before I get a chance to speak my phone rings. It’s my mum.
“Mother.”
“How are you, Georgia? Can we expect you home today? You’re only just back in the country and I’ve seen nothing of you. Will you be home tonight?” I can’t tell her what’s unfolded here this morning. She will have a meltdown so I bend the truth a little bit.
“I won’t be home tonight, but I’ll be home tomorrow. Cam’s had to go and sort out some business so we’ve not really had a chance to talk too much yet.”
“Oh, George,” she huffs into the phone, “are you sure about all this? Are you ready to start something new?” I chew on my lip as I listen to her.