In fact, his darker desires made perfect sense. He bent over backward to put my needs before his own, but when it came to sex, he took his own pleasure too.
And there was absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Sleeping with Ren that day in the forest was my third sexual experience, but it might as well have been my first. Where Ren treated me like a queen in every waking moment of my life, when he got me beneath him—I was his to use as he saw fit.
He snapped and growled and dominated. He swore, which he painstakingly never did. He bruised me after making a vow to protect me from everything. He took control over what he wanted rather than sacrificing everything. When he thrust, he forgot about me and became obsessed with me at the same time. And when he made me come, that was the true gift because I’d never come before.
I craved—even before I knew what I needed—to be punished.
I needed to be punished because I’d fallen in love with a man I shouldn’t, and a part of me always needed that discipline.
Only Ren understood because he had that same sin. Ren was the only one with the power to make me feel wholeheartedly female, and I worshipped that man with every inch.
I look back, and I’m actually jealous of myself. Jealous of that perfect time. Jealous of everything we were about to enjoy, endure, and explore.
There is so much I need to tell you. So many, many things.
And I will.
I’ll get around to it because I’m not leaving anything out.
I can’t, you see.
I have to write it down because I never want to forget. I never want to forget every minute of every day—not just passing flashes that make an impression.
Flashes like sleeping with Ren that first time.
Flashes like every day thereafter and every day in between.
Life is so fast and stuffed full of surprises that I’m afraid if I don’t write them down, they’ll disappear just as child amnesia deletes your earliest memories.
And it’s more than just a drive to immortalize Ren with ink on paper. It’s a necessity because these pages are our photo album.
Back when we were younger, we didn’t have the luxury of cameras and video recorders. There are no pictures of us as we grew side by side. But there are words. And they are just as special because they’re painted with all the love and connection I was feeling at the time. They not only show an image but let me borrow those emotions and relive it.
As for the other assignment—the one I was going to burn just before Ren walked back into my life? Well, that’s here beside me. Almost two decades later, and I still have it. Ink smudged and paper torn but still intact and treasured.
Ren never let me burn it.
He tucked it safe and kept all three-hundred-and-ninety-seven pages wedged in his backpack the entire time we travelled.
This story is no longer about a baby and a boy who were never meant to be family, but a woman and a man who were always destined to be soulmates.
But before I get started, I want to say a few things.
First, I’m well aware I’m breaking another writing rule. Not only am I shattering the fourth wall, but I’m also talking to you from the future. I have the benefit of knowing how this tale turns out.
I know the ending.
I know the journey we take.
And you’ll have to excuse me if I slip now and again. You’ll have to forgive me for any spoilers because it isn’t intentional. It’s hard keeping things tucked up inside, desperate for their time to shine, my fingers cramping with desire to fly over the keyboard and release sentences and descriptions of the best man I’ve ever known.
But as much as I want to just blurt out everything, to let you know what happened when we travelled back to Cherry River, to whisper the name of someone so unbelievably special, to reveal if Ren and I got married…I can’t.
It wouldn’t be fair, because like any story, there is a beginning, a middle, and an end.
You know our beginning.
You’re about to know our middle.
And our end…well, that’s not finished yet, so you’ll have to be patient.
What I can give you are incidents.
Five incidents that are crucial to this tale.
Just like I teased you with the four times Ren and I were apart, this time…there are moments.
Wonderful moments.
Horrible moments.
Moments that make up a life.
Five of them.
One, two, three, four, five.
Some I loved.
Some I hated.
One that hasn’t happened yet.
My advice?
Watch out for them.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
DELLA
2018
“STOP,” I COMMANDED, slipping from the tent and stretching out the kinks in my spine. My entire body felt used and abused and oh-so-delicious.
Sex was my new favourite activity.
And I wanted a second round immediately.
But first…there was something that’d been bugging me since I saw Ren bathe in the river that first night.
“Why?” Ren turned to face me, his t-shirt dangling in his hands, low-slung cargo shorts already hiding the parts of him I wanted to explore. “What’s happened?”
Padding barefoot toward him, I ran my fingers along the visible ribs interrupting the perfect shadows of strong stomach muscles. “I’ve wanted to ask you for the past week. When did you lose all this weight?” My heart clenched, suddenly terrified. “You’re not sick, are you?”
He cupped my chin softly, his gaze molten caramel mixed with coffee. “No, I’m not sick.” His hair was longer, teasing his forehead with sable bronze thanks to summer turning the strands light.
I could stare at his perfect face with its strong nose, powerful jaw, and thick eyelashes for an eternity and still find things to love about it. “Then why can I see your ribs?”
“Because I didn’t exactly have an appetite when I left you.”
I accepted his fleeting kiss before he let me go to sling his black t-shirt over his head, hiding the skinniness that wasn’t there before. To be fair, he hadn’t eaten as much as he normally did these days. I’d put it down to the sexual tension between us and the fact that my own belly was tied up with string.
But I didn’t like seeing Ren skinny. I didn’t like feeling as if I hadn’t taken adequate care of him.
Following him as he wandered around camp, I asked, “You’re saying you didn’t eat the entire time we were apart?”
“I’m saying love was cruel, and my mind fixated on other things.” He stopped and faced me. “I didn’t want food, Della. I wanted you.”
My skin burned with pleasure.
I knew it shouldn’t, but in a way, that made me feel better. I hadn’t forgiven him yet for leaving me, or for stalking me for months and not letting me know he was back in our apartment.
Three months we wasted.
Three long, horrible months where I lived unhappily with David, unable to stop the sensation that Ren was close by, all while he crashed in our apartment alone.
“Is it bad if I say you deserved it?”
He chuckled, running his hands through his hair. “Is it wrong that I love hearing you say that?”
“Say that I’m glad you suffered?”
“I deserved to suffer.” He gave me a rueful smile. “I made you suffer by breaking my promise and leaving.”
“We both know why you did.”
“Yes, and I was selfish. I was only thinking of myself. I didn’t know how to deal with what I felt for you, and I was weak enough to run.” He coughed a little then gathered me in a hug filled with electricity and desire.
His soft lips pressed a kiss to my hairline. “Never again, Little Ribbon. You’re stuck with me.”
“And you’re stuck with me.” My smile faltered a little—just a flicker—but enough for Ren to frown.
“You okay?”
“Yes, just…you’re okay, right? You’re happy and healthy and you’ll put on weight again and stop that little cough you do sometimes?”
He grinned. “I love it when you care.”
I swatted him. “I care all the time.”
He nodded, falling serious. “Look, I had the flu while we were apart and I haven’t fully shaken the cough, that’s all. And as for putting on weight, I’ve already filled out. You make my appetite come back because I need all the energy I can to keep you satisfied.”