She hung docile and crying in my hold. “Because you were always so damn selfless. You always put me first. You sacrificed everything you could for me. You would’ve done anything I asked, and it wasn’t enough.”
Swiping at her tears, she growled as if furious with herself. “It wasn’t enough that I was your everything. I wanted more. I wanted no other woman to have you. No one ever to own your heart. I was so selfish compared to you, and I made you unhappy in your own home. I pushed and pushed you. I dropped hints I knew you would refuse to acknowledge. I never thought about how I made you feel. All the while, you were replacing my ribbon every year because you loved me so—” She couldn’t finish, her tears coming fresh and fast.
Crushing her to me, I kissed her brow, her hairline, her ear. “Caring for you was the easiest thing I’ve ever done, Della. Raising you was the best thing I’ve ever achieved. I’m so fucking honoured to have had that privilege.”
Pushing her away a little, I bowed my head to stare hard into her eyes. She needed to hear this, and she needed to hear it now.
Before I did what I could never undo.
Before I broke the final filament of my self-control.
“I might have been selfless when it came to you, but I promise you I am no saint. I’m hungry, Della. So fucking hungry, and I need you. But you need to know that the Ren you know—the boy who would kill himself if it meant keeping you safe—that Ren has a flaw. His selflessness comes at a price.”
Her gaze danced in mine, desperately fishing for what I struggled to tell her. “What price?”
“I don’t think I can be that selfless anymore.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“You’re not getting it.” I dug my fingers harder into her arms. “When it comes to sex, I’m not…gentle. I only think of myself.”
Heat drenched her eyes, making the blue turn to sapphires. “I’m glad. You deserve to put yourself first for a change.”
I shook my head, sharp and quick. “You still don’t understand.”
“I don’t need to understand.” She ripped herself out of my hold, swooping up to kiss me again. “I need you to show me.” Her lips bruised mine, her tongue tasted me, and her breathless beg undid me. “I wasn’t going to do this. I promised myself I wouldn’t push you again. But please, Ren. Show me. Don’t be so nice to me. I need you to do that.” She kissed me harder, wetter, faster. “Please.”
Fuck.
I very nearly snapped.
I attacked her back, kissing her brutally, swept up in her pleas, drowning beneath vicious desire, but…just like a couple of nights ago when she’d slept stiff in my arms as if unused to being touched by me, we weren’t ready.
I was hungry; that wasn’t a lie. But beneath my hunger lurked childhood memories just waiting to pounce and condemn me. Under no circumstances did I want to feel sick while making love to Della the first time.
I hadn’t told her my flaws to give myself permission to treat her without care or attention. I was selfish, yes, but then again, I’d never had sex with Della, and I wanted it to be different.
I wanted it to be special.
I needed it to be the best goddamn thing we’d ever experienced, and until I was mentally more stable and Della more trusting that I wasn’t going to run again, it would be a mistake.
Her tongue stole into my mouth, licking away the remaining shreds of my willpower.
She made sleeping together seem like the easiest thing in the world, while it felt like the hardest thing I’d ever have to do.
I kissed her back—I couldn’t help myself—but my thoughts tangled once again, taking the sting out of the whip of urgency.
We’d spent our entire lives together.
And, if I had my way, we’d spend the rest of eternity.
There was no rush if I never planned on letting her go.
I couldn’t rush.
Because I hadn’t fully come to terms with this.
I hadn’t found a truce between the old me and the future me. The brother and the husband. And I needed to because it wouldn’t be fair to either of us if I didn’t.
“Della…” I groaned as she hooked her leg over my hip, doing her best to climb me.
“Kiss me back, Ren.” She licked my bottom lip before sealing her mouth on mine again. “I want you. Now. Please.”
“Christ…” I melted and hardened and wanted so damn much to give in to her. I might have spent a lifetime looking out for her, but she’d mastered the art of commanding me. Whatever she asked for, I found it extremely hard to deny.
But this…it had to be right.
“Stop, Della.” Grabbing her shoulders with harsh fingers, I put distance between us, making her stagger back before finding her balance. Her face was wild and wistful and tugged on every heartstring I possessed. “Not tonight.”
“Why not?”
“Because I need more time.”
“To do what?” She blew a curl from her eyelash in a frustrated puff. “To torture yourself a little more?”
I scowled. “No, to find peace. To accept the fact that I have so many memories of you at every stage of your life, and to find a way so they don’t drive me insane when I finally do let go.”
“I know those are legitimate concerns, and I understand because I understand you…but you need to get over that, Ren.” Swatting away my hands, she crossed her arms. “The past isn’t going anywhere. It’s always going to be a part of us.”
“I know. But do you honestly want me to take you when I’m not emotionally ready?”
“I don’t think we will be ready until we’ve had sex.”
I coughed, hating the need in her voice. She’d always been braver than me—always willing to leap before looking. But I wasn’t wired that way. I hadn’t had that privilege when raising a kid at barely ten years old. “Well, I think it would be rushing if we did it now.”
“And I think we’re just tormenting ourselves by waiting.”
“Unfortunately for you, it’s not your choice.” I stood to my full height, glaring her down. “Don’t push me until I’m ready, Della.”
“Push you? I’m trying to help you!” Her arms uncrossed only for hands to plant on her deliciously curvy hips. “You’re turning sex into this huge thing, when really, it’s just an act.”
“Just an act? Is that what this is? A quick fuck to you? How stupid of me to treat it as the biggest thing in my life. I didn’t know I was just some guy you wanted to screw to get out of your system.”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Do I? You’re the one getting mad at me for being honest.” Once again, our romantic moment spiralled into a fight.
Were we always destined to clash?
I didn’t remember fighting this much before. I didn’t like it then, and I despised it now. But I wouldn’t bow to her temper. No matter how much my body agreed with her to get it over with.
Sex between us shouldn’t be a ‘get it over with’ kind of thing. It should be the best fucking thing in the world.
My anger swirled hotter, annoyed she couldn’t see that sleeping with her was something I never believed I could have. It was the one thing I didn’t feel worthy of. The one gift I didn’t know how to take. And to have her give me permission so flippantly, well, it hurt.
It killed, actually.
She cheapened it when I wanted it to mean so much.
“You said you’d be patient,” I said coldly.
“I did. But I also said I’d be frustrated.” She sighed again, looking up at the purple slashed sky as if beseeching perseverance. “God, I’m sorry, Ren. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, yet here I am making a mess of everything again.” Her voice softened, regret tightening her eyes. “You call yourself selfish…but look at me.” She chuckled a little. “Okay, you need more time. How much time?”
“I don’t know.”
“But it won’t happen tonight?”
“No.” I shook my head firmly. “It won’t.”