My breathing was loud and heavy. My eyes flying over her message again and again. We were no longer talking about David. She’d somehow opened the vault of her terrors and shared them with me. I hadn’t stopped to think how hard this would be from her point of view. I’d returned to her, told her I was in love with her, flipped her entire world upside down, and asked to take her away from the people who knew her, all with only a vague promise that we would try for more.
There was no guarantee this could work.
I couldn’t promise I could get past my ethics.
Of course, she panicked and didn’t believe me.
Of course, she doubted me when I’d kept so many boundaries between us for so long.
I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to make her see that my mind was made up—even if there would be struggles along the way. I was willing to work through them because I’d do anything required to keep her.
Once again, before I could put my thoughts in order, she sent another message.
Della: Sorry, Ren. I…I don’t know where that came from. Just please, tomorrow when we leave, come collect me from David’s. Say goodbye to him and Natty. Hug me in front of him. Tell him what I’ve been telling him for months. Let him be the first to see you do mean this. That I’m not imagining it. That this is real. Please…
The glowing phone lit up the empty bedroom where Della had slept innocently for so many years, all while I’d banished myself to the pull-out couch, desperate for distance. Certain that if I could keep physical distance between us, it would manifest into emotional distance, too.
It never did.
It’d only made my need for her increase because all my life, I’d been used to sleeping with her beside me, of her breathing in the night, of her warmth in the dark.
And I’d forbidden myself to have that comfort the moment her kiss changed everything.
Was it weak to admit that I’d been living a half-life since the day we left Cherry River? Was it twisted to acknowledge that I’d gone from having affection and kisses from the one person I loved more than anyone, to months on end of no touch, all because I couldn’t understand how a hug could hold so many different languages and complications?
I wasn’t fluent enough to hug her while pretending it was platonic.
I wasn’t brave enough to touch her while masking every unsaid craving between us.
And now, Della wanted me to hug her in front of David.
But that wasn’t what she was asking.
She was asking me to stop pretending. Begging me to stop fighting, to finally permit myself to sink into those cravings, knowing full well I would never be able to swim back out.
She was afraid I could walk away from her after this.
Afraid I was about to steal her entire life and leave her broken when I realised I couldn’t do it, after all.
But it was the wrong thing to be afraid of.
What she should fear was the part of me I’d kept hidden from her.
For seventeen years, she’d brought out the best in me. She’d nurtured my sense of honour, duty, and devotion to the point where she didn’t know any different.
She never glimpsed the other part of me.
The part that had steadily grown worse the longer I denied myself what I wanted.
The savage part.
The violent part.
The first person to see it was Cassie.
After our first time having sex, she’d chuckled and told me I was far more dominating than her other lovers. That the boy who used to flinch when she kissed him was no more.
She said I had a tornado wrapped around my heart—tightly coiled and mostly contained until it came to sex.
At the time, I’d denied it.
It made me sound like a monster, even if she tried to assure me it was just a primitive part of me taking over. That it was normal. That some men were more aggressive than others. But as we sneaked into the stables again and again, I’d learned something new about myself.
She was right.
I couldn’t stop it.
The Ren who would give his own life to save Della’s vanished during sex when he no longer thought about others but himself. Only himself.
I hated it.
And as I shared hollow fucking with faceless women to rid that steadily building desire for Della, I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
I wasn’t as noble as I liked to believe.
In all aspects of my life, Della came before me. I sacrificed everything I could for her. I gave her the clothes off my back, the sweat off my brow, and the promises from my heart.
Nothing was too much.
No request too crazy.
But when it came to sex…I wasn’t giving.
I wasn’t selfless.
I wasn’t soft.
And that was yet another thing that kept me awake at night, because even if I could come to terms with sleeping with Della, how the hell could I ever tell her that the Ren she knew would not be the Ren she loved when I was inside her?
I trembled in my sleeping bag as I shoved aside such thoughts and focused on putting her mind at rest even while mine rode a stormy sea.
Me: Okay, Della. If you need a public display of affection, I’ll do it. I’ll come to his place tomorrow once everything is done, and I’ll hug you in front of him. I’ll lay claim to you. I’ll kiss you if that’s what you need. But then, we’re leaving, and we’re never coming back.
I didn’t mention my rapidly building concern that, once we were in the forest, surrounded by all-seeing trees and all-knowing birds, things would change once again.
That the fight to see her as my…lover…and not just my friend, was just the first of our many problems.
Hopefully, by the time we were alone and ready to do whatever it was we’d do, I’d have that part of myself under control. And she’d never have to see me as anything other than her sweet, protective Ren.
My phone vibrated just as I rolled onto my side, ready to rest so I wasn’t wired from lack of sleep tomorrow.
It would already be hard enough; I didn’t need to be fighting exhaustion.
Della: I never want to come back. Kiss me. Hug me. Let him see that this is real, and you can take me wherever you want, for however long you want, any way you want. And yes, that’s a thinly veiled sexual innuendo. The kind that I’ve been dying to say to you for years. To be free to finally do it…I have to keep pinching myself to believe it’s real. Until tomorrow, Ren. Xxx
My body hardened at the thought of kissing her again, followed immediately by the nauseous feeling of doing something wrong.
Here she was messaging me things we’d danced around for years, all while sleeping in the same house as the boy she’d lost her virginity to. Strange how actions had driven us to this place, and they were about to drive us to somewhere new entirely.
Sighing heavily, I adjusted myself before typing two words.
Two terrifying, exhilarating, life-changing, heart-winging words.
Me: Until tomorrow.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
REN
2018
MY BACK ACHED from carrying two sets of camping gear.
One clinging to my shoulders, the other dangling from my hands.
Two over stuffed backpacks. Two sleeping bags. Two wardrobes for two people about to say goodbye to buildings and bills and people.
Unlike when I was a kid—fearing I didn’t belong and would be noticed—I boldly wore my earth tone t-shirt and cargos. Wanting them to see that I didn’t bow to fashion or conformity, that I only wore clothes for one purpose: practicality.
My pockets were full of matches, lighters, knives, and first-aid kits.
I had enough snares and traps to ensure we didn’t need a supermarket for weeks and enough packets of rice, pasta, and other easy-to-cook things that meant we could vanish into the woods and never been seen again.
Not by this city or its inhabitants, at least.
Good riddance.