I took a deep breath. “But to answer your other question, I didn’t really think he would do anything to you. I was going to explain everything last night. If you would have talked to me then, or answered your damn phone tonight, you would have understood,” I said, shaking my head.
She sat upright, her jaw clenching. “Yeah, we should’ve done that. We could have talked and then you could have taken that girl home and fucked her!”
I couldn’t look at her. “I am sorry about last night.”
“What? Did she not make you breakfast this morning?” she hissed. “Poor you.”
I snapped my eyes up to her. “I did not take her home with me.”
“I could give a fuck.”
“You do give a fuck! That’s why you are pissed off right now. Admit it.”
“It doesn’t matter if I do or not, Cane. You are you.” She smiled sadly before looking at the floor. “That bullshit last night—that was you being you. I don’t know why I was surprised.”
I took a deep breath.
Sink or swim, Alexander…
JADA
I watched a flurry of emotions cross Cane’s eyes as he watched me. I wasn’t sure what to expect as he opened his mouth and I braced myself for the worst.
“Look,” he finally began, his usually confident voice wavering slightly. “I know I’ve been a dick lately. I know that and I’m sorry. I just—”
“Don’t, Cane. I get it. I get you.”
“You know what? You don’t. And I know you don’t because I don’t know that I get me anymore. Since the minute I saw you in the restaurant, I’ve not been able to stop thinking about you. There’s something about you that I can’t shake, that I want to get to know. I don’t just want to fuck you and move on, although that would make my life so much easier right now.”
“But you did do that to me, Cane,” I said angrily.
“No. No, I didn’t,” he said emphatically. “I never moved on. I know I technically did go to Payson, but that wasn’t me running from you. That was me knowing I was in over my head. And if you want the truth, I wanted you to call me. I wanted to know that you wanted me as much as I wanted you.”
He took a deep breath, his chest rising and falling rapidly.
“I’m sorry for leaving like that. Honestly, there was a part of me that did think if we fucked, I could move on. Because needing someone, Jada, is not something I know how to do. But you know what? It made it worse. I wanted you more, not less. I didn’t know how to handle that. I wasn’t sure what I was even feeling. Fuck, feeling anything at all is against every rule I’ve ever made.”
Cane looked briefly at the floor before raising his eyes to mine.
“Me leaving was me trying to give us both time to wrap our heads around everything.”
I wanted to latch on to what he was saying, but there was a fear of being rejected that I just couldn’t shake.
What if I was somehow misreading everything he said? What if he just wanted five nights instead of one?
Choosing to go the safe route and guard my heart, I decided to let him get everything out before responding. I didn’t want to look like a fool by jumping to conclusions. “Did you decide anything?”
He turned around and lay down beside me. I scooted backwards, allowing space between us. I didn’t want him that close because I wasn’t sure how things were going to end.
And it always seemed to end.
“Yeah, I decided that being with you is this conundrum. I want to be with you, but you deserve the best and I don’t know how to be a nice guy, Jada.”
“That’s not true. You are one of the nicest guys ever when you aren’t being an ass. But here’s the thing about that,” I turned, squaring myself up with him, “you choose to be an ass. I really believe that. You did that thing at the bar to intentionally hurt me, Cane. And it worked.”
He flinched. “That thing last night was one major fuckup. I can’t believe I did that and I won’t even ask for you to forgive me because I won’t forgive myself.” He didn’t continue until our eyes met. “I am embarrassed. I regret that. And I am sorry.”
I weighed his words in my mind. He said he was sorry and that means something, but is it enough to offset the pain he put me through on purpose? I felt my shoulders sag as I realized … it wasn’t.
“I don’t know that I can forgive you for that, Cane. Knowing for a fact that you knew you were hurting me, I don’t know if I can get over that.”
He looked down at the blanket and I watched his body droop. He slowly raised his eyes and they landed on my arm, the blue turning into a violent storm. “When Max called about … that, I realized something. I feel like you’re mine, Jada. That’s stupid and out of line, I know, but that is how I feel. I’ve felt that way for a while.”
“That is stupid and out of line, Cane.”
“You were what I worried about when I saw you with Simon. That’s why I had Max keep an eye on you.” He looked to the ground, biting his lip in hesitation before continuing. “That’s why I asked your dad to assign Zack to the Solomon Place account.”