Prom was amazing. Like the best night of my entire life. My dad rented us a sweet stretch white limo and me, Blaine, Rachel, Annalise, and Ethan all went together. I mean, Blaine and I went together, and those three just tagged along, but it was really fun. We didn’t even drink. (I quit drinking after getting busted with vodka in the Burger King parking lot—at least until after graduation.) Afterwards, Blaine and I made love in the football stadium press box (we got keys from Mark Oftedal, the sports editor of our school newspaper, who I’m friends with from computer lab). So right before we did it, I ended up telling Blaine the truth about Carlos. Rachel was right—I feel so much closer to him after telling him the truth. He hugged me and said he didn’t care about the past. Only the present and the future. How amazing is that? And it was so much better than it was with Carlos. Slower and more romantic and he looked in my eyes the whole time, and afterwards he whispered, I love you. Of course I said it back and then we both started to cry. It is the best feeling in the entire world to be in love. I really hope it lasts forever. I can totally picture marrying Blaine. He’s not the smartest, but I think he’s good enough to play professional baseball. How cool would that be?? Especially if my acting career took off. We’d be unstoppable.
September 16
Senior year!!!!!! I had the best summer ever with Blaine, then we won homecoming king and queen, which was seriously like a dream come true. But lately things have been sort of weird. Since football started, he has been so distant. He said football has to be his top priority, just like cheerleading has to be mine. I said, “Cheerleading isn’t my first priority. You are.” And he said nothing back. In other words, football is more important than me! He never writes me notes anymore or acts like he did last spring. Rachel says maybe that’s what happens when the “newness” wears off. She is in that new stage with Brandon, her first real boyfriend, and watching them together makes me sad and jealous. Not that I’d ever in a million years want to date Brandon, but still. He wants to be around her ALL the time and seems to care about her in a deeper way than Blaine cares about me. I really love Blaine, and I know he loves me, but I need to be put first. Is that so much to ask?
October 10
I just got back from breaking up with Blaine. It was way harder than I thought it would be, especially after he started to say things like “I’ll try harder to make you happy” and “All I know is how much I love you” and “This is all my fault.” I told him not to use words like “fault” and “blame”—one of the lines that Rachel had prepared for me. But he kept begging me not to do it. I almost caved but figured I could always change my mind later, and at the very least, this would give me the power back. Sure enough, he got choked up when he walked me to my car and I took off his letterman jacket and gave it back to him. It’s a shame that it takes losing something to make someone realize how good they had it. He said, “Can I kiss you one more time?” I nodded and leaned into him. His lips were soft and he smelled so good, but I made myself pull away. He wiped away a tear and said he will never find a better kisser. I gave him a sad smile and then a final hug goodbye. Then I got in the car, pressed my palm to the window, and slowly drove away. It was like a scene in a movie, it was so sad. But I still think this is for the best. And now I can go out with Matt Fiore. Matt’s not my usual type—he gets high and loves heavy metal—but something tells me he will put me ahead of Judas Priest and Iron Maiden!
October 15
Omigod. I’m so depressed. Totally bombed the SAT. I got a NINE freakin’ hundred. This is a total disaster. What if I don’t get in anywhere? What then? Shit! I really didn’t think I was that dumb. I mean, even Annalise broke a thousand, and no offense to her, but she’s a total idiot. I will just die if Rachel and Ethan find out. Die. I’m seriously taking this one to the grave. And if they ask me—which I know they will—I’m going with 1105, the first two numbers of my locker combination. Because who could ever forget their locker combination??? Senior year was supposed to be the best ever, but so far it has just been a big disappointment. Except for homecoming queen—but that was always a given.
November 25
Thought I should mention that the Berlin Wall came down. Rachel’s making a huge big deal out of it—probably because Mrs. Lee, her honors European history teacher, is making a huge big deal out of it and Rachel worships Mrs. Lee. She’s even talking about being a history–political science double major in college and then going to law school. I don’t see her being a lawyer. She’s way too shy. I think it’d be better if we both just married well and had babies together. Unless I become famous, that is.
January 1, 1990