I think about him reaching for the knife when the delivery man knocked at the door and hesitate. ‘Ed, I want you to come with us to your mum and dad’s. This whole situation is having a serious effect on you, and I don’t want you staying here tonight on your own.’
‘And I’m telling you I’ll be fine. I can handle this.’ He smiles brightly. ‘Go and pack some stuff, and I’ll ring Mum to let her know about the gas leak, so she can expect you just before teatime.’
He almost makes everything sound normal, and not completely terrifying at all.
Without saying another word, I leave the room, walking past the clock that yesterday was set to 10.05, and the empty space on the wall where the mirror hung happily for four years.
Knives broken and hidden in pockets, climbing frames, people paying nasty little visits and making threats.
Leaving lovers.
Has time actually gone backwards? I’m really not sure what is yesterday and what is today.
I climb the stairs quietly, to go and pack my bags.
Chapter Nineteen
I glance at Sandrine, her teeth chattering slightly, as she huddles on the passenger seat of the car in a huge, oversized oatmeal jumper. She’s pulled the sleeves over her hands, and her matching woolly hat is rammed down over her ears too.
‘You’re still feeling cold?’ I ask in disbelief.
She nods, shivering slightly. ‘Yes, but I am OK.’
I really don’t want to make the car any hotter than it already is. James will start to get too warm in his travel Grobag, and I’m so stressed out that I’m knackered – I don’t want to fall asleep at the wheel. ‘It’s not long now until we arrive.’ I glance in the rear-view mirror and can just make out my sleeping son in the back of the dark car. He’s going to have had about enough to make it impossible to get him down again tonight, but I’ll just have to do my best. I turn back to Sandrine, concerned. ‘I’m so sorry that I had to ask you to get up and out of bed when you feel so ill, but Ed needs to fix the problem in the house and we have to stay somewhere else tonight. So that’s why we are driving to stay with my father in a place called Chichester. It’s really not that much further though, I promise. Only another twenty minutes. And don’t worry, you’ll still be able to go into college in the morning. As it’s your last day, I expect you want to say goodbye to your friends. We can have you there by lunchtime.’
Sandrine looks sideways at me, and then out of the window. ‘I shouldn’t have told you. I am so sorry.’
‘Shouldn’t have told me what?’
‘About being afraid in the night. Knowing that I was being watched. This is why you have taken me and James away from him?’
The car in front of me brakes suddenly, tailgating an Audi – despite the fact we’re doing 80 mph in the fast lane, and I have to do the same to avoid going into the back of them. Sandrine and I lurch slightly, and James shifts in his sleep too, before we hit a more even speed again, and I quickly switch lanes to drop down to a more measured pace. My heart is still thumping as I say as normally as possible: ‘Him? Who do you mean?’
‘Ed,’ she says in surprise and then looks down at her hands inside her jumper, arms wrapped protectively around herself. ‘I saw him holding the knife today,’ she mumbles. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have been looking when you didn’t know I was there.’
My breath has caught in my throat. ‘Ed has been watching you sleeping?’
She looks up sharply. ‘I told you that this morning when I was crying? You said I would not get hurt, and that I can go home?’
Blood starts to crash in my ears. She wasn’t talking about Beth at all. ‘And you can. I promise. Just like I said.’
‘Ed doesn’t know that I told you what he did?’ she asks timidly.
‘No,’ I say. ‘He has no idea. Sandrine, has Ed tried to touch you, or hurt you… or do anything you didn’t want him to do?’
She squirms with embarrassment and tightens her arms around her middle. ‘No! He just – looks at me. I didn’t bring all of my things, Jessica,’ she says anxiously. ‘Was I meant to?’
Does she think I’ve left Ed? ‘No, it’s fine. You’ll have plenty of time to pack properly tomorrow.’
We both fall silent. I can only hear the sound of the road beneath us, and James gently snoring.
‘Thank you for believing me, Jessica. And for helping me this way,’ Sandrine says timidly. ‘I didn’t do anything to make him think I wanted something. I promise. I would never do that. Especially to you, you are very kind to me. I want also to say I won’t tell anyone this. I won’t tell Helene either when I am home.’
‘Thank you,’ I say automatically. ‘You should try and get some rest now. I’ll wake you up when we get there.’ I don’t want to talk any more. Ed has been going into her room while she’s been asleep? What the fuck?
She obediently turns her head to the side and closes her eyes.
* * *
‘To very pleasant surprises.’ Dad raises his whisky glass, and I lift mine in return before taking a sip. The heat at the back of my throat makes me cough as I sit back in my armchair, watching the flames flickering behind the glass of the woodburner in Dad’s small sitting room.
‘Are you alright?’ Dad says, and waits for me to stop.
I nod. ‘Sorry – and I’m sorry about James shouting for so long too. The trouble is, when he gets a bit of sleep it peps him up just enough to not want to go down again, especially when it’s somewhere different and I have to mess around with putting the travel cot up.’
‘It’s fine. I’m just glad for you that he’s finally asleep now. I offered Sandrine something to eat, by the way, but she went straight up.’
‘She’s not well. I’ll check on her in a minute. Thanks though.’
‘You’re welcome. So, what’s really going on then, Jess,’ Dad says, sitting up a little in his armchair. ‘Pretend gas leaks withstanding.’
I look at him quickly, and he raises a quizzical eyebrow.
‘We’re having a few issues at home,’ I say eventually. ‘I couldn’t stay there tonight and I didn’t want to go to Ed’s parents. I need some space to think a little more clearly.’
Dad frowns worriedly, gripping his drink. ‘Space away from Ed? That’s not like you two.’
‘I know,’ I agree, taking a much larger mouthful of whisky that makes me cough again. ‘It’s not.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Dad offers.
I consider that, swirling the amber liquid around my glass. ‘Yes,’ I confess, ‘but I don’t think I can.’
‘Because?…’ Dad waits.
‘I don’t want to put you in a difficult position. Ed did something recently that he now very much regrets and—’
‘What?’ Dad interrupts, shocked. ‘But that man adores you. He wouldn’t so much as look at another woman.’
‘It’s not that, Dad.’ Except now I can’t help but picture Ed standing over Sandrine, watching her sleeping, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Forcing the image from my mind, I continue: ‘He’s done something that could have devastating consequences, if he’s caught. I’m also having a few problems with someone else at the moment, but because of Ed, I can’t sort everything out in the way that I would like to.’
‘You’re involved with someone new, then?’
‘No. I’d say they’re more of a blast from the past.’
‘Ben?’ Dad says incredulously. ‘Is that why you’ve come here? You’re going to go and see him?’
‘Jesus, no.’ I’m appalled. ‘Look Dad, I can’t really tell you more than that, but it’s all been really disturbing, and has had a very significant effect on Ed. He’s…’ I shift uncomfortably. ‘He’s behaving in a way that I don’t really recognise right now. Sandrine is actually frightened of him.’
‘Is that why she’s going home the day after tomorrow?’
‘Partly. That reminds me, I need to book her flight – shit, except I need her passport number to do that and I bet it’s back at ours.’ I rest my head tiredly back on the chair.
‘Jess, does this blast from the past want to pick up where they left off?’ Dad asks carefully.
‘No. They’re very angry with me. Very angry indeed. To the point that I’ve felt afraid in my own home.’