‘OK – firstly, your wife is up on playground duty right now; I just walked past her, and secondly, if you even knew half of what most of the women here will gossip about, you wouldn’t—’
‘Jessica, please.’ He stepped forward and put a hand on my arm. In spite of myself, my stupid heart gave another excited thump. ‘I haven’t engineered this to get you alone. Not like that anyway. We need to talk.’
‘Well, I wasn’t lying, I really do have to get to work and I’m already having a crap morning – some random on a bike came up to me and said she wanted Beth to know how much God loved her, which really freaked me out. Have there been any reports of strange people hanging around the school?’
He frowned. ‘No? She was probably just a God-botherer on her way to the cathedral. I’ll check into it for you though, if you like.’ He gave my arm a comforting squeeze.
‘Please don’t do that.’ I shook off his hand.
‘OK. I’m sorry. I do need to speak with you though.’
‘No, this isn’t fair, Simon! It’s putting me in a situation where you’re forcing me to go behind Ben’s back, and I—’
‘I think Louise knows.’
A cold shiver ran through me. I stepped back. ‘Why? What’s happened?’ My voice dropped to a whisper. ‘I haven’t told anyone and surely neither have you, so how does your wife know?’
‘I’ve not told a soul, I give you my word. It was when we were going to bed.’ He shifted uncomfortably. ‘Louise started talking about Beth, saying what a lovely little girl she is, how much Cara adores her, and she’s glad Cara’s made such a sweet friend. I said nothing to that, obviously, then she started to tell me the plot of some TV drama she’d been watching about this seriously ill child who needed a bone marrow transplant and the husband suddenly confessed he had a secret love child who might be able to donate to their daughter—’
He paused for a moment and waited for me to react. I stayed completely still.
‘Only it turns out they’re not a match, and the arrival of this child in their lives tears the family apart. Then Louise asked me what would we do in that situation if Cara was ever seriously ill, given she’s almost certainly an only child…’ He stopped and looked at me expectantly.
‘And?’ I managed.
‘Oh, come on!’ Simon exclaimed. ‘“Almost certainly an only child”?’
‘Sounds like she just wants another baby to me.’
‘You don’t feel the least bit concerned about the direction of that conversation?’ Simon continued, incredulously. ‘Louise was in a foul mood this morning too, banging around everywhere and shouting at Cara.’ He paused, then said in a rush: ‘The thing is, Beth is the spitting image of me, Jessica. Any fool can see it. And my wife is no fool.’
I swallowed. ‘I can see why you might be hyper vigilant when it comes to Louise, but I genuinely think you’re reading into things that just aren’t there. For a start, Beth is 100 per cent Davies. If you were to look back at pictures of Ben’s family, Beth is very similar to his mother at her age.’
‘She’s fair-haired, like me.’
‘Ben and I were both blonde as children before we wound up with dark hair as adults.’
‘You’ve also both got brown eyes. Beth’s are blue, like mine.’
‘This is crazy, Simon! They told me when she was born blue eyes can stay hidden in a family tree for years; both brown-eyed parents hand over the right combination of genes and – bam! You’ve got a blue-eyed baby.’
‘But the timing was right… it all fits.’ He fell silent and just looked at me.
I returned his gaze, full on. ‘I would say if I believed Beth was your daughter, but she isn’t.’
‘I’m not raising this because I want to do something about it.’ Simon took another step towards me. ‘I would never do that to Cara or Beth, but what Louise said last night really frightened me. I’ve had nearly eleven weeks of seeing Beth close at hand now and I know she’s mine. It’s not just looks, it’s mannerisms too, and as I said, given Louise is much, much sharper than me, it’s only a matter of time, Jess.’ He exhaled, sat down on the edge of his desk and pinched the bridge of his nose, scrunching his eyes shut. ‘This is all my fault.’
‘It was both of our faults,’ I said immediately. ‘We knew what we were doing.’
This time there was a much longer pause. I looked at the responsible teacher in his mid-thirties sat in front of me, and remembered exactly how it had felt five years ago when – a be-suited stranger with an easy smile and confident chat – he’d kissed me for the first time… hidden away in a corner of the bar I was working at, having dropped out of my third year at university only two months after Mum had died. He’d made me feel like I might somehow survive after all. Maybe even be happy again – if I could experience a kiss like that.
‘I should have told you I was married to Louise when we met.’
‘Yes, you should. But I ought to have told you about Ben too,’ I added quietly. ‘And I shouldn’t have told you I was 22 when I wasn’t.’
He snorted gently. ‘That’s the kind of thing 19-year-olds do, Jess – lie about their age, mess around. Teenage relationships aren’t meant to last. You didn’t do anything wrong. But I did. The way I treated you and Louise was unforgivable.’
I opened my mouth to correct him. Ben had been – and was – so much more to me than a teenage relationship. He and his family had kept me going, supported me through everything; but somehow the thought of discussing them with Simon, of all people, while tucked away in his office, only made me feel more disloyal. ‘I don’t think either of us come out of what happened particularly well.’
‘I don’t want you to blame yourself, Jess. You were going through a very difficult time.’
I caught my breath. I could only cope by not opening this box completely. I didn’t want to unpack it all again. We were starting to tread on very dangerous ground. ‘We both should have known better – but what’s done is done,’ I tried resolutely to get us back on track, ‘and Beth is not your daughter. Given Louise doesn’t know anything about us, I don’t understand why she would have any reason to suddenly and randomly think Beth looks like you? It’s just… pretty paranoid, to be honest. I think what you really need to try and do is find a way to live alongside the knowledge that you cheated on Louise, because that’s obviously what’s still troubling you, but maybe bear in mind it was a long time ago now; you’re both happy, and you have Cara. We’re both happily married.’
Simon looked at me in disbelief for a moment, and laughed. ‘So says the worldly-wise 24-year-old.’
‘Don’t be unkind,’ I said, colouring. ‘It doesn’t suit you.’
His face fell instantly. ‘I’m not trying to be unkind – I promise. I’m sorry.’ He paused, before continuing in a rush: ‘I mean it – I really am sorry, Jessica; for all of it. It actually makes me so sad to hear you talking like this. Don’t get me wrong, it’s one of the many things that make you very unusual, but when most girls your age are completely responsibility-free… I hate it. I wish I could wave a wand and change everything for you.’
‘Well, given a choice, of course I’d have rather not had Mum die,’ my voice wobbled, and I cleared my throat hurriedly, ‘but that’s just the way it goes, and in any case, everything has led me to Beth.’ I smiled, although I could feel my eyes were now shining with unshed tears. ‘So don’t pity me.’
‘You know I felt I was making the right decision at the time, don’t you?’ Simon said. ‘It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with you. I will always want to be with you—’
‘Oh, please don’t do this,’ I whispered. ‘It isn’t fair.’
‘It’s true, Jess. You know it is.’
I took a deep breath. ‘The thing is, Simon, when you say that sort of thing five years after the event, actually, it can’t help but sound anything other than flat, and insincere.’
‘I take your point, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s true. Our feelings for each other weren’t ever the bit that was in doubt.’