That day was going to be awful but for the first time since he died I wasn’t feeling shitty because of that. It was because she was moving on. It was because I was soon going to have to watch her be with someone else and put him first, and I wanted every second I could get until that happened.
But I couldn’t tell her that, so I took the coward’s way out and nodded. “Yeah, it’s just a shitty time.”
It took her less than a second to be in my arms, hugging me tight. “It’ll be okay, Logan. We’re both stronger this year. It’ll always be hard but we can smile this time. It’ll be his twenty-first, a big one, so let’s try to make it a happy day, yeah?”
I held her petite frame tight against my chest and buried my head in her hair. “Sure, sweetheart,” I whispered. “We can try to make it a happy day.”
“Still want to go for that stupid run?” she asked against my collarbone. That was sexy as hell.
“Yep, you’re not getting out of that one. Nice try, though.”
Pulling back, she slapped my chest and huffed. “Fine. Let’s go then.”
***
“What was the car thing about with your mum this morning? You love your shit heap of a car.” Who buys a Citroen C3? Tiny little roller skate of a car that’s marked ‘a great run around’ and that was probably because the fucking things broke so much running was the only way you were getting anywhere. And it was a steal at a grand. Women should never shop for cars alone.
“Oi, don’t speak ill of Ellie, thank you very much!”
“See, you’ve even named the heap.”
She shoved me as we jogged down the path but didn’t manage to move me much. “I knew Mum would go on about Rhys and I didn’t want to deal with it. Plus, I thought it was worth a try, could’ve gotten a new car out of it.”
“What do you mean?”
She picked up the pace, clearly uncomfortable with where this was headed. I wasn’t going to let it go. If there was something about this guy she was unsure of I wanted to know and I wanted to revel in it.
“I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart.”
Groaning, she said, “It’s just a little weird, okay. I’m not sure how I really feel about Rhys right now and I don’t want to have to keep talking about how things might go with him in the future. Right now my future is blank and it scares the hell out of me. I’ve never had that, Logan, there’s always been a plan.”
“You plan too much.”
“I know I do, but I like knowing what I’m doing and working towards. The unknown scares the crap outta me.”
“I like it. Not knowing where I’ll be doesn’t bother me. You have to leave room for change, Chlo, or you’ll forever be disappointed.”
“I can’t help it. You’re so laid back and I wish I could just go with the flow more but I can’t.”
“Can’t or don’t want to?”
“Can’t, I think. I don’t like the feeling of everything being out of my control. I can’t control life and death but I can control what I do in between.”
She couldn’t, though. Chloe could plan right up until the day she died but it wouldn’t all go how she wanted it to. Life was constantly ready to throw more and more shit surprises at you. Control was an illusion, something people claimed to have to make reality seem that much more bearable. No one was in control of anything; in every situation you were either lucky or unlucky.
I didn’t want to bring her down with my cheerful theories so I took the easy road and kept my mouth shut. “Which route?”
“Cemetery,” she replied, making me almost lose my footing.
Back to Jace. I didn’t want to go there. I hated it. You were supposed to die in old age, starting with the eldest. I shouldn’t have buried my brother; it was backwards. He was just a fucking kid, not quite eighteen.
“Really?” I asked. “Any reason?”
“Yes. No. I don’t…” She stopped suddenly and I almost rammed into her. “I went on a date last night.”
Oh, I was painfully aware of that fun fact.
“And?”
She bit her lip, which made her look sexier.
“Not too sure actually.”
“Right.” I scratched my forehead. I rarely understood women when they said what the fuck was going on so guessing was impossible. “You feel guilty? You said you didn’t.”
“Not guilty. Maybe like I should, though.” She shrugged. “I just feel like I should talk to him.”
That was impossible, too.
“Alright, cemetery is it, but if it’s cool with you I’ll run a lap while you’re talking.”
She touched my arm, rubbing her thumb over my skin that was oversensitive to her touch. I fucking felt it right where I wanted to. “Of course. I don’t expect you to stay.”
“Do you want me to stay?”
“I think I need to talk to him alone.”
Thank fuck for that.
It was my turn to speak but there was little left to say other than let’s go and I knew if I said that she’d stop the touching. She didn’t touch me nearly enough and I was getting greedier.
“Well,” she said, blowing out a big breath and lowering her hand. “Let’s go or this run will never end.”