I stopped at the gate to the cemetery. Chloe gave me a fleeting smile before jogging to Jace’s grave. I envied her for the way she approached him and sat down. No hesitation.
My brother was over there and it was the last place on earth I wanted to be. I couldn’t even pretend it was just because I hated the thought of him in the ground. I was in love with his girl, what right did I have to go over there and pour my heart out to him? I could pretend while he was alive but I couldn’t now that he was dead. He would know and I couldn’t face him. There was nothing he could do, he couldn’t call me out or tell me to get out of his life, but I still could not face him.
Fuck guilt and fuck wanting what you shouldn’t.
***
I read the text again. ‘Can’t do today, going to lunch with Rhys. Tomorrow? x’
Then just because I was a masochist, I read it once more. She was out with that prick two days after the first date. They weren’t even supposed to be going out until the weekend. I was meant to have a week to meddle in some way and break it off, show her how wrong he was for her.
As a result of their early second fucking date I was in a foul mood, wanted to get drunk, smash something, and find a way to stop loving her. If I could just switch it off it would make my life a million times easier.
If there was a button you could press to stop yourself loving someone I would have pressed it years ago. Or I wouldn’t because I loved how she made me feel when it wasn’t like I was suffocating. Basically, I was screwed and I was a sick arsehole.
“Earth to Logan!” Cassie shouted. My eyes shot up to meet carbon copies of mine staring back at me. “Where were you?”
“Sorry. What’s up?”
“I asked if you want Indian. Mum doesn’t want to cook, I don’t want to cook, Dad can’t, and it’ll be a cold day in hell before you get off your arse to do it, so…?”
“Yeah, sure, whatever.”
“What’s gotten to you?”
“Nothin’, just tired.” If it wouldn’t be too obvious I would’ve asked her about this Rhys guy and got her opinion on the two of them. I could see he wasn’t right for Chloe, but could Cass?
“K. Fancy getting the guys together for a night out soon? It’s been ages since we’ve done anything.”
“Saturday?”
“We can but Chlo has a date so she wouldn’t be able to come. Unless they meet us after.”
Not happening.
I tried to keep an even, I don’t give a shit expression but I was sure I was looking at my sister like she’d just suggested we sacrifice a whole Maternity Ward of newborns.
“I’ll speak to Chlo and see when she’s free.”
“Sounds good. I need to get some action soon.”
I could feel lunch coming back up. “Ugh, what the fuck is wrong with you, Cass?”
She laughed. “Least I got a proper reaction out of you. And I was kidding; I’m so done with men. They’re all arseholes.”
“I’m offended. We’re not all arseholes.”
“Really? I challenge you to recite the names of just five of the women you’ve slept with.”
I gripped the edge of the worktop. “I can give you three.”
“Thought as much.”
“That doesn’t make me an arsehole. The last three years have been… difficult. I didn’t forget them because I didn’t want to know, I’m not sure I got the names in the first place.”
“Oh, much better.”
“Cheers for making me feel like an dickhead.”
“I’m sorry.” She held her hands up. “I know it’s been hard and the things you’ve done weren’t exactly planned. You’re not an dickhead, Logan. You’ve never lied or cheated.”
I’ve lied. I lied to Jace every time he asked me what was up and I gave him some shitty reply about having a bad day at work or being tired. I lied to Chloe when she asked if I was cool with her dating – like it was even up to me.
“That’s done with now. And anyway, I don’t know if I slept with them all, I might’ve just slept.”
She bit the insides of her lips together, trying to force herself to keep a straight face. She looked ridiculous.
“Alright, fine, those odds aren’t great. Fact is, I did it and I regret it. I’ve got no diseases – thankfully – and I have no desire to play STI roulette again.”
“I know. I’m sorry, I really am. I didn’t want to make you feel bad. We all know you regret what you did.”
I regretted a lot, not just the women but there was nothing I could do about that now.
“Can we change the subject from my fuckups, please?”
“Sure. Why aren’t you dating? You’re not that hideous and to other women you’re not even that annoying.”
“Thanks,” I said sarcastically. “Having a girlfriend is hard work and I don’t need that shit right now.” And the only person I wanted for anything more than a night of fun was currently getting ready to have lunch with some other guy. That kind of put a damper on it.
“How would you know?”
“I’ve had girlfriends before, Cassie, I’m not a monk.”
She laughed so hard tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes. I rolled mine.