“No, and that’s a pretty accurate description of—” I held my hand up and he stopped talking, breaking into a huge, mischievous smile. “So did the date go well or not?”
Since he was clearly not leaving like any normal person would have done, I shoved him over the other side so I could get to my favourite spot in the bed – the middle.
We’re really doing this right now. “Yes, Logan, the date went well. Rhys is perfectly nice, not an axe murderer, so you can calm down about that one. We had fun.”
He was silent for a minute. His gorgeous blue eyes were guarded. I hated when I couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feeling. After years of pretending he was fine, Logan had gotten really good at fooling people.
“That’s good. I’m glad you had a nice time, Chlo.”
“Thank you. It was strange at first and I kinda felt like I shouldn’t be there but as soon as we got talking more, and walking, I relaxed and didn’t feel… guilty.”
“Good, I’m glad of that. You shouldn’t feel guilty.”
“I know. I’ve spent so long feeling guilty for living, for thinking about a future without Jace, for wanting to date again and just about everything else I could feel bad about. I’m tired of it and I know it gets me nowhere.”
He frowned and flicked the magazine closed. We’d be talking about him reading a How To Boost Your Bust article later. “Do you not feel guilty about moving on anymore or do you just think you shouldn’t. There’s a huge difference, Chloe.”
“I don’t feel guilty. I loved Jace and he died, there’s nothing I can do about it and I don’t want to be the way I was anymore. I deserve a second chance.”
“You do.”
“Do you still feel guilty?” I asked.
His eyes clouded and jaw clenched. Finally, he replied, “Every day.”
“Logan,” I said breathlessly. The pain in his voice was so real and so raw that I felt it, too. He sat tense on my bed, refusing to meet my eyes. I shoved myself up and wrapped my arms around him. I felt the muscles in his back and shoulders bunch. They were rock solid and I couldn’t help admiring his dedication to his fitness.
“Please, talk to me,” I whispered.
He hadn’t hugged me back, just sat deathly still with his arms fisted by his sides.
“Logan, please, I can’t stand it.”
Slowly releasing a deep breath, he raised his arms and clamped me flush with his body. It was a little more intimate than we’d been before with me straddling his hips but there wasn’t anything sexual about it. He was hurting over the death of his brother and I needed to help him.
“I’m alright, sweetheart,” he said into my hair.
“No, you’re not. Talk to me. I can help.”
He released me and I wanted to cling on for dear life. I wanted to hold him until he stopped hurting, until all the broken pieces knitted back together. I wanted him to hold me and let me in all the way. I wanted to be the one who gave him the power to stop the guilt. I wanted to do all of that, just like he’d done for me.
I didn’t leave his lap when he’d stopped our embrace. “You’re talking to me, Logan.” I felt a tear slither down my cheek. “I’m not moving until you talk.”
He shrugged. “Beautiful girl sitting on my lap. I got time for that.”
“Come on,” I said, lightly slapping his chest with the back of my hand. “Why do you feel guilty every day?”
“Me and Jace argued.”
“You and Jace argued regularly, Logan. Neither one of you apologised, you both knew the other one didn’t mean it and you moved on. Jace had forgiven you before he’d even closed the front door. Stop agonising over it.”
“I get that, Chlo, but the last words I ever said to him were…”
“Were what? What was so bad about what you said?”
“Nothing really. He was pissing me off and I snapped.”
I didn’t get it. They’d snapped at each other and told each other to piss off at least once a week. Jace knew Logan loved him and he never held a grudge, especially not against his brother.
“Is there more to it?”
He blinked a few times before replying, “No. I just feel like crap for how it ended. I wish I could go back in time and—”
“Don’t. Please, don’t do that. I’ve thought about going back in time constantly and it won’t get you anywhere. Logan, there is nothing you can do about what happened; you can only change what happens next. He wouldn’t want you to stress over it when he probably forgot all about your fight five seconds after it happened.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” he said. That was far too easy and I knew he only said it to shut me up but to him the conversation was over so I didn’t push it. That didn’t mean it was over. I was determined to get him to forgive himself. This was merely an interval.
“I want you to stay here tonight.” So you don’t drink yourself stupid at home.
His mouth popped open. “How inappropriate. I’m feeling quite vulnerable right now.”
Logan’s back. I rolled my eyes and removed myself from his lap. “Shut up and go get ready for bed.”