My baby.
I’m so screwed up in the head. I don’t know how I feel. I want Carrie. I think I could be almost whole with Carrie. I could be normal…mostly. A baby? A baby changes everything. I never had a father, not really. Even after I left the streets there wasn’t much time to enjoy having a father before I was the one working and providing and taking care of the family. But hell, I couldn’t even get through a regular work day without having a panic attack and that’s when things were good. Now without Carrie the only way I can face the sun is to be buried in a bottle. That’s weak. Being…raped is weak. As always, the word echoes through me and I down the rest of my drink trying to bury it. I pour another shot as I watch Dragon kiss his woman and then follow Crusher and Freak outside. They don’t ask me to join them. It doesn’t surprise me. I haven’t felt like part of their group since I got sent up. Maybe I should leave? Head out somewhere warm, Florida maybe or Arizona. Start fresh far away from the dark memories that haunt me, I could do it. It might be better. A new life, a new world and eventually this pain of missing Carrie and not being part of her life would lessen.
“Hey, baby. You look lonesome.”
I look up to see Tash. I look at her—really look at her. There’s nothing wrong with being a Twinkie. Lips is a great example of a good woman. Tash though…she’s ugly, and I’m not talking about the outside. Inside she’s ugly—like me. She’s got the same rotting insides as I do. This is what I deserve. Carrie, the baby…that’s not the life for me. I should have never touched her—never let myself dream.
“Sure baby climb on board,” I tell her, patting my lap. She slides on and my dick…lays there. Her perfume feels as if it’s going to choke me. Carrie doesn’t wear perfume. Her scent is a mixture of the lotion and shampoo she uses. It’s clean, sweet and…too good for me.
She starts licking on my neck like some damn dog in heat. Is this what I have to look forward to in life? I down another shot to dull the feel of her.
“Keep your fucking hands away from my head, Tash,” I bark when she starts to pull my face to her. I can’t handle that shit. I couldn’t handle certain things with Carrie, but the feel of this bitch’s hands pulling my head down… fuck I want to vomit. Instead, I down another drink. My hands are shaking. Images flash in my mind. I was unconscious during most of my attack but every now and then I remember the smell, the voices, and the laughter as another… SHIT! Why the fuck are the memories getting more intense and coming so often?
I look back at Nicole, her face is blurry as hell. I see her laughing, her hand on her stomach. My mind pictures Carrie in that same pose, laughing and being happy—with me. The thought of her makes my dick jerk, which considering the bottle I’ve ingested is a miracle. Tash is undoing my pants. What does it matter? Not a damn thing, unless you count the fact that my dick just shriveled up at the thought.
I’m about to push the bitch off of me when I feel her hand graze the head of my cock. I can feel bile rise in my throat. I haven’t been able to let anyone touch my dick, but me. I grieved it. I wanted Carrie to suck me off. I longed for it. Yet, just the thought of giving someone control…
I take another drink. The bottle is empty now. I’m going to grab another and get the fuck away from Tash and pray the liquor does its job.
“You disgust me,” Nicole says from beside me.
I jerk around to face her, swaying but I manage to stay on the stool. She’s looking at me with so much revulsion it pisses me the hell off. She wasn’t lying. Fuck I was pretty sick of myself. Still I don’t appreciate this bitch calling me out in front of everyone.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” I ask, knowing if Dragon walks in, he will hand me my ass on a platter.
“I am apparently the only one here with enough nerve to tell you what a fuck up, you’re being. I know you got shit going on in your head Dancer, but don’t you think it’s time to grow the hell up? You’re home now quit hurting people who give a damn about you and be a fucking man!”
“Woman, I’m not going to tell your ass again. Get the hell out of my business.”
“Carrie is my business.”
“I don’t owe that cunt a damn thing. She wanted my cock and she got it. End-of-story!”
Even saying this shit hurts me, but I can’t give in. Carrie left me. She gave up on me. She finally discovered what I already know. She’s too good for me.
“You’re such a pig. She loves you. Dragon does too.”
Her words cut open the part inside of me that isn’t dead. Dragon and Carrie are probably the only two people in my life who have ever cared about me besides Jazz. That thought hurts so deep, I lash out.