“I’m pregnant Dragon, not struck with some dreaded disease. I’ll be fine. Stop worrying, you’re starting to sound like a mother hen.”
We just found out she is pregnant. It still seems unreal to me. My heart is so full of Nicole; I never realized there would be room for more. Nicole managed to make that possible though. She gives me more even when I don’t realize I want or need it.
“Whatever Mama, I’ll see you when you get back.”
“Love you, Dragon. Forever.”
“Forever, Mama.”
I hang up and find Dancer just staring at an empty glass in his hand. I take a deep breath and decide to just dive in.
“It can’t keep going on like this, Dance.”
“Don’t know what you mean,” he lies and I know he is lying.
“Tell me another one,” I respond, filling our glasses again. I just stare at mine, the amber liquid blurring.
“I’ve got a handle on shit,” he lies yet again.
I guess hardball it is.
“You look like death warmed over, your woman is currently in a bathroom crying over your sorry ass and all this is after you drove your vehicle into a fucking lake trying to end it all. Doesn’t sound at-fucking-all like you’ve got a handle on shit.”
“I believe I said I don’t want to talk about this,” he growls, moving to stand. “I’m not two, I’m a grown ass man and I do not want to do this.”
I grab his wrist to hold him in place.
“You move out of this chair and you will regret it. We’re going to have this shit out. We’re going to have it out now and we’re going to work through it. I will not lose another brother. I will not lose you. Do you hear me, Dance?”
“You’ve become a meddlesome motherfucker since I’ve been gone, Dragon,” he sighs, but relaxes back into his seat. Only then do I let go and take another drink. Fuck, I’m going to need it.
“You want to tell me why driving your car off a ledge is better than reaching out to your family?”
“I’m not getting why you think this is your business. You weren’t there. You haven’t lived any of this shit. I have. If I don’t want to discuss it, then by god I should have that right.”
He’s right, I think for a second, but disregard it. If he hadn’t tried to end it, he’d be right. If he was coping worth a damn, he’d be right. He’s dong none of those things.
“It is my business. You’re my business. You’re family.”
“This family is so fucked up Drag. I’m not sure that’s a good thing anymore.”
It’s a low blow, but I allow it. I still can’t figure out how I missed the signs about Irish.
“You can talk or I will, Dance. It makes not one damned bit of difference to me at this point.”
“I got nothing to say.”
I sigh. I was hoping this would go a different way.
“When you were unconscious at the hospital you had dreams,” I watch as my brother’s face turns pale white.
“You don’t get to go there, Dragon,” he says, the words lie heavy in the quiet room. His voice is laced with a cold anger that could chill a man to the bone. “This is my fucking life, and you do not get to go there! You do not get to fucking discuss it and we’re not talking about this fucking shit!”
He gets up throwing his glass across the room. I don’t know where it lands. I’m too busy watching my brother. Too busy seeing the misery inside of him literally bleed to the surface.
“This does not concern you, Dragon. This has nothing to do with you. This is my fucking life and I will deal with this shit the way I want to!” He growls starting towards the door.
“You’re not dealing with it, Dance. Man, you aren’t even going to the damn therapy appointments the hospital set up.”
“You’ve been fucking checking up on me? What the hell gives you the right?” He yells, turning around to look at me.
“Dance man, I care about you. Hell, we all do. I want to help you.”
“You can’t help me! You don’t know a fucking thing about it! While you were here finding the woman you wanted, I was the one rotting away! I was the one locked behind steel doors, spending my nights staring through bars! I was the one being beat down by the guards! I was the one whose soul was shriveling inside—dying little by little, piece by piece, every fucking, damned day! I was the one who was held down and beaten nearly unconscious while the guards laughed! I was the one they forced! I was the one…SON OF A BITCH! JUST STAY OUT OF IT! It was me, not you, not Crusher, not motherfucking Bull, none of you! It was me! So, don’t you fucking try to tell me what the fuck I need to do! You have no clue! NONE!”
He slams out of the room and I let him go. I let him go, because I have no idea what to do. Fuck, maybe I’ve made it worse.