Nicole makes a sound close to a snort, agreeing with me. It’s probably more of an I told you so, because she did. She absolutely did and it is the reason I’m here now and not half way to Georgia, or hell anywhere else. Here is being in Jacob’s bed, with my heart ripped out while he tosses out facts about my virginity.
I’m mad at myself because I’m still in his bed. I didn’t throw things at him, throw him out or anything! Instead I cried, while he left like hell’s fire was nipping at his heels. Worse, I’m still missing him. When did I become such a doormat?
“You’re not a doormat.”
Shit, I didn’t realize I said that out loud.
“I am, but I deserve to be. I’m the reason Jacob killed that man. I’m the reason he was put in jail. I’m the reason he was there and was…attacked.”
My voice breaks on the last note. I can’t bring myself to say raped. It keeps screaming in my brain, but I can’t give voice to it.
“Carrie…”
“It’s true, Nicole,” I say, swallowing the last of my drink and reaching over to put it on the table. “It’s my fault, all of it.”
“Bullshit! Jacob’s a grown ass man. He did what he did and you can’t take the guilt of that.”
“Guilt. God, there’s so much guilt. Jacob has so much he can’t breathe. I have so much it hurts to breathe. How can that ever work out Nicole? I think you’re wrong. I’m not the person to save Jacob. I’m too clueless to help him.”
Nicole is silent. She stops brushing my hair and instead I can feel her braiding it. It feels nice, relaxing even. I close my eyes, wishing I could still the thoughts in my brain.
“I wasn’t wrong. Dancer’s already let you in more than he has anyone else—so I wasn’t wrong.”
“But?” I ask, because I can hear a but.
“You have to decide if you’re strong enough to see this through, because I’m not going to lie, I think this might be small compared to some of the hits you may take.”
Am I strong enough?
“Was it worth it for you?” I ask. She’s finished with my hair and we’re both quiet, like we’re afraid to move.
“It is different for me. I love the person involved, but I’m not in love with them. The attacks…they aren’t personal so they don’t cut as deep as the ones you’re taking, Carrie.”
“Even when it’s good, there are still…things that keep it from being what it should be, Nicole,” I confess, like it’s a dirty little secret. It hurts that I couldn’t hold Jacob while we made love. It cuts that I couldn’t hold him close and love him the way I have dreamed of for years.
“I know, baby,” She says, only she doesn’t—not really.
“I’m so tired,” I say for no reason in particular, just that I am. I am bone-deep tired. I think if I managed to shut my brain down and go to sleep, I’d sleep for days, weeks even.
“There’s something else I know,” Nicole says getting off the bed and picking up the towel I had used.
“What’s that?” I ask not really caring. I lay back down against the pillow now that Nicole has left the bed.
“If the roles were reversed and it was me and Dragon? I’d fight so fucking hard to pull him out of the hell he was in. I’d fight with everything I had and I wouldn’t give up no matter what. I’d fight with my last dying breath, Carrie.”
“Dragon loves you,” I answer. If Jacob loved me, I’d never waiver. I don’t have the security of that, I don’t think I ever will and that’s where the problem lies.
“True, but I love Dragon. I love him so much that I’d fight just for the chance that someday he’d be happy. You need to decide if you love Jacob that much, or if everyone and their mothers are right and you’re too young to know that kind of love.”
“They think I’m too young?” I ask, hurt but annoyed because it seems I’ve been the topic of conversation among the Savage MC compound.
“Why do you think they moved you away from the parties and things? They see you as a young kid sister they need to protect. Hell Crusher even lets you call him by a name he hates.”
“They don’t,” I argue, though warmth fills me at the thought of these tough men thinking of me as family.
“Yeah, you’re right,” she says and damn there goes that feeling of belonging out the window. “Bull absolutely does not think of you as a sister.”
Yeah, I’m not going there.
“Turn the light out, I need to sleep,” I say rolling over on my side and curling back into Jacob’s pillow.
“Just saying, hooking yourself up to Bull’s wagon would definitely be easier and he’d be good to you.”
“He’s not Jacob,” I whisper the sad truth, “I don’t want anyone but Jacob.”
“That’s how I knew Dragon was the one for me, Carrie.”
I sigh, my brain is on overload.
“Do you know, I’m not that much older than you are?”
I did. I don’t say anything.
“I have a brother. No one knows that. He’s actually a half-brother, who is ten years older than I am. A brother and we never talk, ever.”