With every step I took my heart grew heavier until I was sure it’d fall into my stomach any second. Loneliness gripped hold, weaving itself through my body and into my soul. I just wanted him back. I would give up anything just to have him back.
They sat down in front of his grave and started talking to him, smiling with tears in their eyes. I stood beside them, staring at his name on the stone as my dead heart broke even more.
“Do you want to say something, honey?” Mum asked in her soft voice as she reached up and took my hand.
Why did you leave me, Dad?
I shook my head, not looking at her. “Okay, you don’t have to.” She let go to focus on Dad again. I wrapped my arms around my waist, holding myself together. Nothing hurt so much as missing him and trying to find my way without him. I didn’t know how to do it. We talked about everything and talked everything through. I was so completely lost without him here to guide me. I needed a drink to block it all out before I sank any deeper than I already was.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Kai
I hung up the phone to Alison, feeling sick. It was three in the afternoon on a Sunday and Tegan was wasted. She was wasted and asking for me. Part of me loved that, I wanted her to need me, but I didn’t want her to keep doing this shit.
The moment where she realised what she was doing and started to turn it around couldn’t come soon enough. But there were no guarantees that’d happen anytime soon, could be years, she could be one of those people that end up forty and bitter.
I was waiting for something there was no guarantee over and as much as I knew I should probably walk away – I’d worked too hard to let someone else pull me under – I couldn’t help this feeling that I was supposed to be in her life. I was probably just being a big twat and us meeting meant nothing more than a handful of one-night stands.
I could imagine what state she was in and I hated that she did it to herself. It was frustrating watching someone with so much potential not give a shit and continuously flush their life down the toilet. Now I knew how my family felt watching me go off the rails and I felt even guiltier for putting them through it.
I arrived at Tegan’s house ten minutes later and Alison let me in.
“She’s in her room,” she said, closing the front door behind me. “I’m not too proud to admit that I don’t know what to do with my daughter anymore. I’m scared for her, Kai.” I could see the worry and stress in her pale eyes.
“There isn’t much any of us can do besides being there when she finally asks for help. Don’t be too hard on yourself, this is up to her.” Giving her a small smile of what I hope looked like encouragement, strength and support, I made my way upstairs and into Tegan’s room.
My heart ached as I saw her curled up on her bed. She looked younger than she usually did. She also looked lost and in so much pain.
“Princess,” I whispered in her ear as I picked her up. She mumbled something that I couldn’t make out but she was pale and I knew what she needed. I grabbed a hair band from the top of her bedside table and went into the bathroom, sitting her in front of the toilet and quickly tying her hair up.
Alison and Ava stood at the entrance of the bathroom and watched. Their concern-filled eyes never left her. “I feel sick, Kai,” she said, slurring her words.
“I know you do, it’s okay,” I said, rubbing her back. She leant down, groaning but she wasn’t sick yet.
“You know what to do,” Alison said.
“I’ve looked after her a few times before,” I replied. Fuck, I wish I hadn’t needed to, though. “Can you get her two glasses of water please?” Tegan coughed and finally emptied her stomach of vodka.
“You okay? You done?” I whispered when she raised her head again. She nodded and slumped against my chest.
After a few minutes, I picked her up, stood her at the sink and gave her her toothbrush to freshen up. Her eyes were now bloodshot and her skin blotchy. I wished feeling like shit would discourage her but I knew she’d be this drunk again.
When she finished brushing her teeth, I helped her get back into bed. Alison had put the two glasses of water on the bedside table. “Here,” I said, handing her the first glass of water. Not losing her sense of humour, she laughed quietly and took it off me. Usually I’d get a snide comment but not today, she must be really feeling it.
She finished the water and smiled up at me. “There. Happy?”
“Ecstatic.” I chuckled and she rolled her eyes, lying back against the wall.
“I’m sorry, Kai,” she said, tugging her bottom lip between her teeth.
“Hey, you don’t ever have to be sorry with me. It’s okay.”
“How often does she get like this?” Alison asked, wiping tears from her face.
“She doesn’t get this drunk all that much anymore.” Tegan looked up at us with a frown. Well, if she wasn’t going to talk to her mum, Alison was obviously going to ask someone else. “You need to stop this,” I said, tucking her hair behind her ear.