She raised her eyebrows at me as if she wasn’t convinced we were just friends. “And what would Lucas think of you kissing him on the cheek?”
“It’s nothing he hasn’t seen before. Lucas isn’t that insecure, he knows I would never cheat on him so can you drop this grudge now, please?”
“Fine, it’s your life,” she said, sighing. Her face softened and she got that look that she’s about to bring up something I don’t want to hear. “We’re going to Dad’s grave tomorrow morning. Do you want to come, too?”
My chest grew tight to the point where I could barely take a breath. I wanted to be able to go there and be close to him but I wasn’t sure if I’d physically be able to. Shutting my feelings off when I was there was ten times harder and exhausted me. “Um…”
“Me and Mum’ll be there, too.”
I couldn’t believe it when I heard myself say, “Yeah, I’ll come.”
Ava was shocked and did little to hide it but she didn’t say anything. “Okay. Good.”
We got home and I went straight to bed and decided to call Lucas before I fell asleep. He answered straight away. “Hey, shorty,” he said.
“Hey. What’re you doing?”
“Lying on my bed talking to my beautiful girlfriend.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, what’s she like?”
“She’s alright.”
“Only alright?” He laughed. “Hate you.”
“Hey,” he said, faking hurt. “Anyway, how was your evening?”
“Good, I almost beat Kai at Fifa.”
“Almost? What was the score?”
“Thirteen, two,” I said, smiling proudly.
He laughed but quickly covered it up. “So, it was a close one then?” he joked, chuckling. He didn’t know the scores that weren’t that close.
“You can go off people, you know.”
“Sorry,” he said.
“I can’t wait till Friday.”
“Neither can I. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too,” I said, yawning. “I’m going to go to sleep before I collapse on the phone.”
“Okay, speak to you tomorrow.”
“Yeah. Night.” I hung up the phone and that was when I heard Mum crying. It felt horrible. I crept out of my room and along the hall. Ava’s hushed voice travelled through the door.
Mum sobbed and I felt every single one. I didn’t want to cry, I blinked rapidly and gulped. Everything inside me screamed to go to her. I wanted my mum, needed her, but I didn’t feel like I could. We weren’t close right now and we’d never been as close as her and Ava. She wouldn’t need me. I could see in her eyes every time she looked at me how much of a disappointment I was.
I gripped my hair and took a shaky breath. Turning around, I sprinted back into my room and ducked under my cover. I couldn’t go in there.
Just hours later I woke up, gripping the sheets and gasping for breath. I’d dreamt about Dad. Oh God, I was going to throw up. My body shook and I curled up in a ball, buried my head in my pillow and cried until my throat hurt. I could see it still, his car rolling, his face as he realised he was about to die. In the dream the car set on fire and I saw his face burn, turning black and peeling. That hadn’t happened but my fucked-up mind made it worse, dreaming up things that haunted me even more.
When my tears had dried and I’d managed to calm down somewhat, I sat up and took a sip of water. When I was little and had a bad dream I would always go to Dad and he would sing until I fell asleep again. I didn’t feel like I could go to Mum or Ava so I curled back up with the quilt wrapped tightly all the way around me and tried not to focus on the big gaping hole he’d left in my heart. I missed him more than ever.
***
“Tegan.” Mum shook my arm lightly. I groaned and looked up at her. “Morning, honey. We’re visiting Dad in an hour. Do you still want to come?”
No. After my dream last night I didn’t want to do anything at all. I didn’t even want to exist for a while. My eyes stung from crying and not getting a lot of sleep and I felt like shit.
“Yeah,” I replied, forcing myself to sit up. As much as I didn’t want to go I didn’t want to sit at home alone where his memory was everywhere. She smiled and kissed my forehead before leaving me to get ready.
I got up, had a quick, boiling hot shower and dressed in jeans and a tank top. To say that I was nervous was an understatement. I was terrified. I wasn’t sure why Ava was able to deal with things in a healthy way and I wasn’t. We had the same parents, shared genes, had the same upbringing but we were so different. She had super-together built into her and I had extreme-fuckup built into me. I wanted to trade.
Mum and Ava walked slightly ahead, stopping every few steps so I could catch up. They looked forward to visiting him so they could tell him what was going on while I was doing everything I could just to move closer.