After gathering my things from my office, I headed out to my car and left for the day. I drove aimlessly, needing to clear my head. So much had happened in the past few weeks that I didn’t know how to process it all, which was completely unlike me. Usually, I’d go for a run. Working out all my frustrations did the trick, but even that wasn’t showing its usual appeal.
There were two instances where I wanted to cut, but the stitches on my hip were enough of a reminder for me not to. I simply held the razor in my hand and stared at it. I’d debated on throwing it away, finding a new outlet, but I’d thrown it back in the drawer and slammed it closed.
It wouldn’t be that easy to get rid of my demons; I had to take it a step at a time. I’d taken Luke’s words to heart. I knew I needed to stop, I just didn’t know if I’d be able to right away.
Coming to a stop at a red light, I looked around and realized where I was. A smile pulled at my lips.
I turned the car to the right and found a parking spot right outside of The Deli Shop.
I had no destination in mind when I jumped in the car, but I was more than happy to stop and say hello to Tony and Martha.
Walking through the doors, I inhaled the smells that brought back so many memories. I was glad it was one thing John could never take away. He knew nothing about the stops Mom and I used to make, so there was no way he could tarnish these memories for me.
Tony noticed me and gave me a small smile as I stood in line behind two others waiting to order. When it was finally my turn, he walked around the counter and held his arms open to me. I embraced him in a hug and the scent of baked goods overwhelmed my senses. The old man always smelled like bread.
“To what do I owe the pleasure? Two visits within a week? You’ve made an old man happy, my boy,” he said happily as he patted me on the back and led me toward the dining area.
I smiled down at him as we reached a table and sat down. “Is Martha here?”
Tony let out a heavy sigh as he looked down at his folded hands on the table. “Martha hasn’t been coming in lately. She’s been sick,” he said sadly as he lifted his gaze to mine.
I furrowed my brow at the news and reached a hand out to lay on top of his, offering him my support. With the way he was acting, I knew it must be serious. “What do you mean by ‘sick’?” I asked solemnly.
“She’s had cancer for some time now. The doctors,” he started, shaking his head. “They don’t think she’s got much time left.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that.” I squeezed his hand before letting go to sit back in my seat.
Tony and Martha had been such a big part of my childhood that I couldn’t imagine them ever being apart. They’d been together for over forty years and shared a love I’d probably never get to experience.
Tony sat back in his seat and turned his head to look out the window.
“We’ve both come to terms that life isn’t forever. We’ve had a long run together, and just because it’s time for one of us to move on to our next life, it doesn’t mean I’ll ever forget her.” He looked back at me with a small smile. “You should come by. She’d love to see you.”
I smiled at his invitation. “I’ll have to do that.”
“And you should bring your lady friend. Martha would be so happy to finally meet one of your girlfriends.”
I sat up and ran a hand down my face before letting out a short laugh. “Tony,” I said with a pause. “She’s not my girlfriend.”
He shook his head and stood from his seat. “I’ve known you a long time. And throughout these years, I’ve never seen you come in with anyone else besides your friend Luke. I saw the way you looked at her. It’s the same way I still look at my Martha. You may not see it now, but that one?” he said, pointing at me. “That one’s something special.”
He walked closer to me and patted me on the shoulder with a smile. “I’ll get Ellen to bring out your food,” he said before walking off to take over the register once again.
I sat there slightly stunned at his bold words and laughed to myself. He’d asked me a time or two when I’d have a wedding for him to attend, and I always told him not to hold his breath. I knew he wanted to see me happy, but it was never in the cards for me. It was never something I searched for. It wasn’t possible for me to love someone else when I hardly loved myself.
*
I arrived home a few hours later and sat in my office going over everything Tony had said to me.
What would my life have been like if John and my mother had that kind of relationship? What kind of man would I have become?
Getting up from my desk chair, I walked to the bar and grabbed the crystal decanter that held my scotch. I’d spent so many nights thinking about the ‘what if’s’. It wasn’t the fact that my mother had died; my life would have been great if I had a father who was worth a damn. He ruined my life the day he brought Sophia into his house.
I brought the glass to my lips and threw back the liquid in one gulp. The burn almost taking my breath away, I closed my eyes and concentrated on the feeling as it went down.