That’s when I hear “Stop it, Tim!” followed by a fit of giggles and the sound of people crashing into the hallway wall. “Get over here, sexy. Mama wants to taste you some more.”
My hands shield my wide-open mouth. Oh my gosh! That’s Grandma’s voice saying some really disgusting, disturbing things. I pause and then shift my body back and forth, trying my best to think what to do next, attempting to figure out how to not throw up at the thought of my grandmother tasting someone.
Oh my gosh. Gross!
Their stumbles get closer and I slide to the ground, hiding behind the kitchen island.
“That’s right, baby. Slap Mama’s booty. Harder!”
Involuntary gagging starts now. You ever have a fantastic dream and then it slowly creeps into a nightmare? And there’s no way whatsoever to wake the hell up? Story of my night.
Kayden re-enters the kitchen through the same door by which he had just exited, and sees me crouching on the floor. “Jules, what are you—”
“Shhh! Get down here!” I whisper in panic. If I have to listen to Grandma getting some, Kayden should be by my side suffering with me! He slides down to join me just in time to hear a deep male voice call my eighty-year-old grandmother his naughty Tinkerbell, and I swear to God I pee my pants a little. It’s like in those horror movies when the killer is right around the corner from you and you are so afraid that you tinkle just a little out of fear.
The footsteps are closer and I know they are inches away from us. I can feel the island shake when this mysterious Tim character pushes my grandma up against it.
“It looks like someone made us breakfast. Here, try this pancake,” Tim laughs.
“Ohh, get the syrup. Pour it on right here,” Grandma moans. Oh my gosh I swear Grandma just moaned and everything about making out, lust, and sex is officially ruined for me. And I never want to see another freaking pancake in my life.
“Who is that?!” Kayden whispers, and my head falls to the palms of my hands.
“Some random guy, and my grandma.”
When I look up at Kayden, his face is contorted in laughter, which he is trying his best to control. My fingers find his skin and pinch him hard as I send the look of death to him.
“Tim, why don’t you get some ice cubes?” Grandma coos. My eyes shift to the refrigerator sitting directly in front of Kayden and me. Kayden’s face mirrors my ‘oh shit’ face, and we edge closer to one another, curling into a tight ball, trying to make ourselves smaller. Maybe he won’t see us?
Creak. Creakkk.
This Tim guy is getting a lot closer, and I instantly hate him because he ruined the specialness of my early morning pancake date by feeling up my grandmother with pancake syrup. It isn’t until Tim’s back is to us that the knot in my stomach forms and I realize that this Tim guy is much, much younger than Grandma. He’s also shirtless, and I see syrup dripping down his neck.
Ewwww!
When he pulls out the ice tray and his body swivels around, it’s almost impossible for him to miss us. He looks down, our eyes lock, and I gasp along with Kayden. It’s not just some random Tim guy—it’s Tim. As in Tim Faulter from the television show Goners.
He doesn’t say anything, but a smirk is plastered on his face. He tips his invisible hat at us, and all I do is wish that I am invisible, too.
He moves away from us, toward his eighty-year-old girlfriend, and I hear her squeal at what I assume is the ice cubes finding her body.
Cue the return of the involuntary gagging.
“Okay, okay, okay! That’s enough!” Standing, I wave my hands around and around to stop whatever the freaky-freak is happening on the other side of the island. Grandma’s eyes find mine and she smiles so sweetly.
“Oh hey, baby!” she sings, as if she’s not aware that she just scarred me for life. “What are you doing up?”
“What?! Are you kidding me?! What are you doing here with Tim Faulter?!”
Tim has that same goofy grin that Grandma has on her face, as he extends his sticky hand toward me. “Oh, so you know my work? Nice to meet you. Joyce has been telling me some great things about you.”
Did he just call her Joyce?! Grandma doesn’t have a first name! And I’m definitely not touching his sticky fingers. The idea of where those fingers have been is quite disturbing to say the least.
“I thought you were going to be in the Alps for the holiday?”
“Why in the hell would I be in the Alps? I’m always at the cabin for the holiday. Your mommy dearest was throwing a big hissy fit about me bringing Tim along, saying it was supposed to be a family gathering, but I figured, what the hell? It’s my damn cabin, I’m a grown woman, and I can bring whomever I want into this place. Besides, she said you were bringing that Richard guy along, and no offense, but he’s not exactly family.”
Tim leans over the island and looks down to Kayden. “I’m assuming you’re Richard.”
Kayden slowly rises and looks as if he’s been caught by his parents doing very bad things. “Yeah.”